I got an awesome haircut from my sister. It's the shortest it's ever been in my entire life, and I really love it.
Math final tomorrow. SO. STRESSED.
Among other, more fun, less stressful things.
My mother decided to leave my father when I was 14 years old, an idea that I supported. Unfortunately, the method was all wrong. Instead of going through an attorney, she packed up the car and we rode off into the sunset. It was a whole big ordeal.
I was never one of those kids who was afraid of her parents getting a divorce. I occasionally prayed for it, even as early as 8 or 9 years old. I don't know- possibly before then.
When we left town, it was several days before he noticed. Days. He called my sister (from his first marriage), who was in her late 20s at the time, I believe. He was frantic about who was going to take care of him. It's always all about him. Most two year olds are less self-centered, and that's not hyperbole.
We eventually came back.
My mother's health is declining. Living with him has gotten progressively worse. So... she's decided to leave him. Finally. My fiancee (husband in less than a month!) talked her into seeing a lawyer and doing this right. It's just dredging up a lot of shit for me. There's SO much more that I can't process yet. But yeah. If I'm all over the place, that's part of the reason.
The pans that my mother was borrowing to bake the cakes? Yeah, not available after all. And I've officially been overruled. We're buying sheet cakes from Costco on friday. I can't go to the bakery to find out how much their cakes would be (and I can't find the number anywhere, because I don't know the name, I just know it's on the parkway.) because I'm under house arrest for a day of rest. And cleaning. I'm in major meltdown mode- but I appreciate all the offers of help and ranting in unison and encouragement to become ze bridezilla within. I think I need that right now. And the boy wants to watch House now. So very not in the mood.
I'm getting MARRIED tomorrow! And it's already tomorrow in some places! I can't believe how excited and calm I am, all at the same time. My piano player did show up at the rehersal, so we talked about what songs I wanted and what parts. I'm walking to Nightfall and Leaves on the Seine by David Lanz. I love him.
I'm starting to feel self-conscious about my dress not being white or traditional. Woah. Serious anxiety. That's so weird. ...
Ugh. I'm so stressed out now! What happened to being calm? I'm going to be walking in front of who knows how many people in a blue nonwedding dress! Why didn't I get a normal dress, like normal people do?
"For the duration of your mortal lives"
That bothers me more than "till death do you part."
I'll continue the full account, but I wanted to write about this now.
As I mentioned previously, I was raised primarily in the LDS church. One thing the church really hammers home is the importance of eternal families. Eternal families are formed through sacred covenants made in a temple wedding ceremony- the couple is sealed in the temple, as the phrase goes. (Not literally.) Anyone who marries outside the temple, provided they are given ample opportunity in this life to do so, will not be able to remain with their spouse beyond death. Despite my doubts about my devotion to christianity as a whole, this really scares me. I don't know that we will have a lot of time together on this earth, so what if it really is true? This must sound ridiculous or lofty or something, but... I just love him so much. I don't want to spend eternity knowing I could've been with him, but my choices made it so I can't.
With "til death do you part," it was easier to reassure myself that a mortal death doesn't kill the soul- thus, there is no death. "For the duration of your mortal lives" is pretty freaking straightforward. There's no room for interpretation there. It's like an expiration date has been stamped on our marriage, and the silly thing is that I don't even know if I believe that. I know I shouldn't. I know that no just God would sentence me to hell for not getting married in the temple- and, while the LDS religion doesn't teach that people who aren't married in the temple will go to hell (just a lower degree of heaven), eternity without him would be hell for me, no matter how nice the accomodations.
It makes me afraid of losing him. I shouldn't be obsessing over this; I know. I just can't help it.
I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately.
I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way.
He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time.
I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special.
His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there.
I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that?
I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence.
The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me.
I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.
So, I've got a question. It's for anyone, but especially all you knitting-inclined folks. How uncool would it be for you to receive an item knitted by a novice knitter, such as myself, as a gift in a swap or something? And, seriously, don't be nice.
I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning
Has not been quite extinguished from my soul,
But let it cause you no more fret or mourning -
I do not wish to trouble you at all.
I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly,
At times in fear, at times in jealous hells...
I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly
As God let you be loved by someone else.
- Alexander Pushkin
How... exquisite... is this?
I saw my meds nurse friday and she told me to journal as often as possible. So I'm going to try for everyday.
I first got online in early '99. I was in a bit of a meltdown and thought it would be a great place to find support in a relatively non-threatening sort of way, except I was intimidated by the internet anyway. Horror stories, you know. Regardless, I found a mental health support site and became a part of the community there. They had bulletin boards and a chat room- it took me a month to get the nerve to go into chat, and then I was hooked. I still preferred the forums, though. It gave me time to think my responses through, and I wasn't quick on the keyboard.
Being young for my age and naive as could be, my angst fed on the forum dramas that seemed to always exist. I only got involved if it involved somebody I cared about, but I loved everyone. (I had issues with telling folks I loved them. Apparently, without tone and context, it can look an awful lot like I'm trying to steal somebody's husband. I just had a lot of love at that point and didn't have any qualms about expressing it. That came later.) So my emotions ran high and I made a close-knit circle of friends and felt like less of a freak-- y'know, in retrospect, a mental health forum is not the best place to make friends. You tend to feed off the negative energy rather than find ways out. Anyway. I sort of quit going after having a particularly rough drama occur; I just couldn't deal anymore. They moved the site shortly thereafter, and I joined and lurked occasionally, but never really got back into posting. I didn't even keep in touch with the people who meant the most to me, which makes me sad.
Tonight I wanted to find the last name of a particular member, and I recalled that she had a website linked in her signature, so I went to the site, and it wasn't there. It's been moved again... It's like it has erased more traces of my past. That's one thing I dislike about the internet. Without physical evidence, it's almost like something never happened.
It's a road I don't need to go down again, but every now and again, I feel drawn to it.
I am frustrated with knitting. I tried to knit a scarf with two threads of different coloured yarn and it just looked messy. I had to pull everything out, because I'd pulled two other scarf-beginnings out to start that one, and then that one didn't work out, and then... yeah. Frustrated. Muchly. Also tired, I think.
I don't like having rare scents. I thought I did, but it feels like there's too much responsibility involved, especially when they're scents I don't -love-. I'm over-anxious about swapping those scents, because I'd be really sad if they got stolen or lost in the mail. I'd be over the moon for a bottle of, say, Storyville, but that's because I can't imagine I'd ever want to get rid of it.
I held onto the Monster Bait scents for WAY too long, because none of them really worked for me, but I didn't want to regret getting rid of them. I swapped (or maybe sold?) Red Lantern and Smut way, way too quickly. I can't remember what I swapped them for- I think I may've gotten Lotus Moon out of Red Lantern, so that's a decent trade- I love Lotus Moon. Anyway, I digress.
Dude. I am having anxiety attacks non-stop. I think it's sugar and holiday stress and, oh yeah, my dad's first wife is dying. And my sister in law is being a complete bitch to my brother, which just blows my mind. It blows my mind that he is in a relationship where his wife can just act like that and, in her mind, it's completely acceptable to do that.
Yet, I really do love her and I think she loves my brother, and I know he loves her, so... it's frustrating. And I can't even think about what would happen to him if they did divorce, because she would fight DIRTY for custody of the kid, I think, and... yeah, my mind is just f'n racing right now. I don't want them to have a bad relationship. He deserves a really solid marriage. And then I feel guilty for judging from the outside, but I can't believe she would call him up like that to just... screech and call him every name in the book because her anxiety is bad. I get it. I thankfully don't know what it's like to be in her head, but I know a bit about anxiety, and she really needs help. She needs to take her f'n medication, she needs therapy for coping skills, and she needs to be accountable for how she behaves despite her condition. Those are hard things, but you learn to do them for the things in life that really matter... like your family.
I don't know all the ins and outs of married life. I'm newly married and I've only lived with my husband for just under a year. So I know I'm not speaking from a point where I can say I really understand what it's like to be living with somebody in a long term relationship for 6+ years, but it still seems like appalling behaviour.
The watchdog group still hasn't contacted me. Our line will be disconnected (rather than the service being interrupted- this means the number will be gone, etc.) on the 18th, and I think that will screw with our DSL connection. Can anyone tell me for sure if it will? I guess I could call Verizon to check on it. This is just giving me fits.
I'm applying for a student loan so that we can dig ourselves out of this hole we're in at least a little bit. My husband is applying for financial aid and plans to start school in the fall, which is very good news. It gives him a goal to focus on, rather than just idly sitting by waiting for more paperwork about his application for disability. He's still doing that, but school is a more immediate thing that is in his control.
My sister better really be moving back into town. I miss her, and it would be really great to get to know her kids. So, check it out! She's going to school for hair-styling, and we were talking recently, and I had commented that this summer I was going to chop all my hair off and give the length to Locks of Love, and I was thinking about dying it blue. My 40-year-old (and before people get offended, keep reading!) conservative, LDS sister was ALL FOR IT. She wants to do it. I love my sister. I would also love very much to look like her when I am 40. Actually, I would like very much to look like her 40-year-old self right now. I don't know that I've gushed about my sister enough here, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it simply must be said, and my thoughts are running a mile a minute right now. (I just emailed the watchdog group. I really hope they get back to me.) Anyway, the awesome part about my sister is that she's always been beautiful, but she's never been snobbish about it. And I'm not being generous because I care about my sister, she is everything I would love to be, only I'd keep my hair. She is tall and thin and her bone structure is gorgeous- but she is the kindest person ever. She's strong and smart and really thoughtful and... okay, I miss talking to my sister.
I am so very glad that I got to have siblings, thanks to my dad's first wife. I do love them, though we are quite different in age ranges. I think we'll all four be together at Christmas, if my sister in law isn't a complete bitch, or if my brother can get time off- which he should be able to.
Okay, I think I've gone on long enough. I am just all over the place right now.
I've lost momentum with my secret project now that school started and I had to pull out five rows. Five doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot.
I almost bought a set of size 3 double pointed needles today, and then realized I wouldn't have the first idea how to use them. I'll get there eventually, I guess. I don't know.
I'm doing okay in math so far. I like that it's a much slower pace. I just could not cover that amount of material in such a short time and grasp it... obviously. So I'm going to work really hard this quarter, again.
I need to work out next week. I'll try and go in extra early one day, if I can get to bed early enough. I just need to get in there, it doesn't matter how long. If I do it once, I can do it regularly from there on out without it being too much of a strain on my anxiety. So... here's hopin'.
I wish my switchee would post more!
Yeah, but I also feel kind of awful. I mean, here's the thing: My husband says we can put off getting rid of one of the cats until he gets his disability, which will probably not be until January or so. We're going to take his cat to get checked out at a vet's office to figure out what's wrong with her- even on sensitive stomach cat food, she vomits pretty much every day, poor thing. I also think there's something wrong with her eyesight. If there's something seriously wrong with her and it's outside of our budget, we'll have to look at options there. So I'm still going to have to get rid of one of our cats, just now one might be getting put down... not exactly sunshine and roses. But it is a respite. And maybe they'll sort it out over this winter. The biggest problem is that there's no alpha cat. My cat is more willing to fight, but she's a scaredy cat, and she knows when she's outmatched. His cat can kick my cat's ass, but won't fight for anything. So the dynamic between them is... well, not dynamic.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. At this point, I'm a hair's breadth from invesigating bunnies. (Not as pets. It's a Buffy quote.)
We tried getting them both hopped up on catnip this weekend to see if they'd be more willing to duke it out, but no such luck.
I'm contemplating bringing a third cat into the mix to shake things up. (My parents' cat, on loan. However, they have a male cat, so I'm not sure what impact, if any, he would have. He'd probably just avoid all the conflict and laze around in the sun.)
I'm actually in a fairly good mood. I got my switchee's package all wrapped up and mailed out today in what I thought was a flat rate box, but was not. Ah well.
The box is painfully small, but it is well packed and there are a few things in there I think she'll enjoy. Now to wait for her to get it! I love this part- not so much the waiting, but the hoping she'll love it and knowing it's on the way.
By the way, inky, I knew you were monet's switch witch- something about the bubble tea in the drawing made me think of you. Dude! You're an artist!
I hope you all have been as spoiled as I have. My SW still hasn't done a reveal, but left me a note saying that she would do that very soon. I'm on pins and needles!
I'm really glad that my husband and I get to be together... we didn't realize how much the housemate was draining our emotional resources- and we already thought he was draining too much. As for the housemate... only time will tell if he and I will get back to a place of friendship. Right now, wounds need time to close up and heal. After that, it's sort of in his court.
The boy and I are getting used to being comfortable in our own home with one another, and that is a good feeling.
With the exception of the ever present money issue. Gah.
I arranged for a swap on October 24th with a fairly recognizable person on BPAL.org. I sent a message checking the status of the swap probably the first week of November and on the 14th or 15th, got an apology; she said she was behind in her swaps (which I understand as I get overwhelmed by them sometimes) and that she had sent out a mass PM to her swap partners a while ago but must've left me off, and that she was going to get them out that day. Again, understandable. However, I still don't have the swap. I sent another message to her on the 24th of this month and still haven't heard anything back. She hasn't been on the forum since the 15th. So I'm in a quandry. Do I report a swaplifting? I don't want to be a bitch.
I suck.
Gah. Sorry for the drama queen syndrome. I just got the results of my last math exam and I sucked, and it pulled my GPA down and I'm really really depressed over it. So, yeah. I got a little intense with the poor me and thus we have suckage.
I don't think I've tried writing poetry in over a decade, and it's been way longer since I tried haiku. I have seen a lot of people expressing things through haiku on the forums and thought I'd try my hand at it. Eh, we'll see. It's 5/7/5, right?
Disability
Is such a pain in the ass
and in the wallet
The famous Snake Oil
simply does not work for me
such disappointment
O, Katharina
You, of the fruity white musk
always comforting
You lovely readers
subjected to my meager
attempt to create
Right... That was fun. I think I shall have to continue! Some other day.
My grades are available technically today. I hope I didn't completely blow psych. I am really excited about my new classes, but I shall be extra busy. More math! Plus loads of reading to do for my Lord of the Rings class. I'm most nervous about that one, to be honest.
This has to do with teh sex. There's your warning.
First of all, I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack so bad that I'm about to cry. This doesn't have to do with sex, but it does sort of explain my mindset. I've even tried applying Whitechapel, and I'm still this bad.
Okay, so, intimate time with the husband was minimal while we had the roommate to look after, and I've kind of gotten used to it being that way. I love sex, and I love him, but I have so much trouble getting my head into the right frame of mind. It almost makes me panic, and I dread even cuddling with him because I'm always tense, because I know he's going to ask for it, and you guys don't know how much I wish I could make this entry friends only. I've got more to say, but when it feels like 6000 eyes are prying, I just freeze up. How fitting.
Now I'm pissed, for no reason at all. Gah. PMS already? I need to get it together, because I'll be in school on tuesday. I'm really glad we're only having a 3 day week.
I'm so nervous about having to read LoTR. And I'm nervous about math. I really want to do very well in it.
Why is it that there are no adult faerie tales? I don't mean "adult" like erotica or even erotica-lite, because there's plenty of that. Don't get me wrong- young adult fiction can be very well written, but sometimes I want the tone of an adult book. I want the perspective of an old book.
I grew up on Robin McKinley. When I was 11 years old (or thereabout), I thought The Outlaws of Sherwood was the best book ever.
But I want intricate plots, the kind that don't often come up in 200-300 page books. Even in 300-400, to be honest.
WHERE ARE ALL THE FAERIE TALES??
It's JUST a TV show... but I'm so sad that Chris is gone, and I feel an odd sense of guilt for not voting enough.
This should NOT be effecting me to this degree. Dammit.
I need to do something to get rid of my negative energy. I know part of it is depression, but part of it is my general attitude, and it sucks mightily.
Why is it that when I come to post something here, my mind goes blank? It's not like I don't have interesting thoughts in my head. I do! But once the page comes up, all I can see is that white canvas, and then I start thinking mundane thoughts, and it's all so irritating.
My wedding kimono FINALLY came today. It's... really crappy workmanship. I'm disappointed. Plus there are black smudges around the collar. Threads are loose from the fake obi, and the velcro is sewn all askew and through the wrong places... it's sort of freaking me out. Not that you can tell. Also, it doesn't fit me. That really sucks.
I wanted to get something else really nice for my swappee. I know for sure she has one of the things I have for her, so I went looking for other things. They all turned out to be things that I want for me, so that's a bad idea. I was all set to check out with some perfume oil samples from various and sundry other places, when I thought to myself: "Self, you ought to check your bank account." And I did. I'm so glad I did... but now what? I know, I'll get creative. But I wish I could do more.
I'm really somebody else now. Now I sort of feel like I'm not ready to BE Grace. I should be more together. But this is me, and I'm as together as I've ever been, and it's time. Take care, everyone.
-Grace
Good news! The A/C is working! We need to be careful about the filter, but the thermostat is fine and everything. This means that we won't be getting a new air conditioner for our birthdays, which is patently Good. I'm hoping he gives me a watch. And here's where I break off into a tangent, all day-dreamy-like:
Didn't I ever write about "Christmas?" (I can't ever remember if the question mark should be out of the quotes or in it.) The boy moved here on December 28th so that he could spend Christmas with his family for the first time in a long time. We postponed Christmas- the meal, the presents, everything- until the 29th. This left him rather overwhelmed, due to the fact that a vast majority of my large family showed up. He was great with them. It was memorable and such a delight.
He got me the coolest gift ever.
He'd been teasing me by talking about it. He found it on Amazon. It had puzzled him at first. Why would anyone want it? Then, he had an idea. He'd shared it with his dad. His dad was jealous that he hadn't thought of something like that for his mom. The moment arrived, and I opened the shiny, shiny paper to reveal a big, white box. I opened the box to find what appeared to be a jewelry box. Only it isn't one! It's a watch box. He took my hand and said, "It'll be full in about 20 years, but I'll get you another one." The symbolism of time, and marking the passage of time with a watch each year... it all took my breath away. It's SO gorgeous.
And, breaking away from the daydream-
That probably means he won't be getting me a watch for my birthday; just Christmas, but it'd be nice to have a couple to store in it. I love that thing. ...Yeah, I have to admit it, I'm really hoping for bpal. And I feel guilty. I wish I were a better person. But another watch would be nice.
I am so freaking sick. I feel gross. Swimming to kill the odd skin inflammation did not work. We are trying bleach today, which is gross, but seems to be working. I'm just so wiped out. I need to get out of my house, though. I've got swaps to deliver.
My mom is calling me Gracie. It's wierd, and hard for her. I worry that it's making her too uncomfortable. She knows why I did it, and that it had nothing to do with her, but... I almost feel like a stranger. I didn't know that the name change would affect me like it has. It's not bad, necessarily. Sometimes it's odd, but not bad.
I want to cut off my hair. I need to find a good style. Who'm I kidding? Heh. I'd never keep up with it anyway. I'm lucky if I bother to comb it out, these days. More people compliment it when I don't, come to think of it. People are so strange.
I'm really hoping the mods get back to me soon. I'm impatient.
Woah. I am so not upset about the contest not being as successful as I might've imagined. It was late, and I was tired and cranky and felt sort of silly and awkward having devised this intricate event with the two entertaining guesses and the two entertaining non-guesses. (I really did love all the responses.) I realize it isn't All About Me- non-cc paypal only is a limitation, and everybody's saving up for the update, and I'm sure some people feel like it's too much of a gamble and I'm equally sure there are many people who are simply not interested. But, hey, if you guess now, you're pretty much guaranteed a pack. Unless five people pop up and want to play. Heh. Anyway, I'm more relaxed about it. Really.
Not so much that I'm thinking about cotton candy as the level of substance to the thoughts...
I was thinking about my name. I just signed a PM "Gracie", even though I've been using "Grace" predominantly. I have also written out a few return labels using the full Gracelyn. It's inevitable that I'll use one more than the others, right? I never shortened my given name, despite it having a very popular nickname (which my mother hated), so I don't know how these things work. It's like having three seperate names! It's almost like playing "pretend" again.
It is imperative that you find a way to use whatever talents and gifts you have--the more you use them, the more ability you will develop. Do not neglect them (given your 5th house stellium I'm betting on creative something or another, maybe very public, dramatic work/play...but whatever it is, don't just think something like "well, if I can't be the best {fill in the blank} I shouldn't even do it.." Do it, whatever it is.
Jarvenpa read my chart based on my birthdate, location and time of birth. That's a brief snippet of what she said-- I'm still processing it all. The above seemed really personal and relevent right now, given my whole art obsession- could my talent lie there? It's possible.
I really think that was the nudge I needed to decide to stick with the art class and not watch for another class to open up in that time slot instead. However, I am not convinced that drawing will be my creative talent. I might need to start writing again soon. English 201 is on my list for winter quarter, and then in the spring or next fall I'll probably take creative writing. I. . . guess we'll see where life takes me this year.
I'm really rather excited.
Now all I have to do is wait for the financial aid to be awarded. . . I really, really hope it happens soon, so I don't have to drop all my classes and scrounge around at the last minute for open ones. That would be terribly sad.
I've got a lot to think about.
