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BPAL Madness!
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Moodiness, Anxiety, Sleeplessness and a loss

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smallvoice

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I saw my meds nurse friday and she told me to journal as often as possible. So I'm going to try for everyday.

 

I first got online in early '99. I was in a bit of a meltdown and thought it would be a great place to find support in a relatively non-threatening sort of way, except I was intimidated by the internet anyway. Horror stories, you know. Regardless, I found a mental health support site and became a part of the community there. They had bulletin boards and a chat room- it took me a month to get the nerve to go into chat, and then I was hooked. I still preferred the forums, though. It gave me time to think my responses through, and I wasn't quick on the keyboard.

 

Being young for my age and naive as could be, my angst fed on the forum dramas that seemed to always exist. I only got involved if it involved somebody I cared about, but I loved everyone. (I had issues with telling folks I loved them. Apparently, without tone and context, it can look an awful lot like I'm trying to steal somebody's husband. I just had a lot of love at that point and didn't have any qualms about expressing it. That came later.) So my emotions ran high and I made a close-knit circle of friends and felt like less of a freak-- y'know, in retrospect, a mental health forum is not the best place to make friends. You tend to feed off the negative energy rather than find ways out. Anyway. I sort of quit going after having a particularly rough drama occur; I just couldn't deal anymore. They moved the site shortly thereafter, and I joined and lurked occasionally, but never really got back into posting. I didn't even keep in touch with the people who meant the most to me, which makes me sad.

 

Tonight I wanted to find the last name of a particular member, and I recalled that she had a website linked in her signature, so I went to the site, and it wasn't there. It's been moved again... It's like it has erased more traces of my past. That's one thing I dislike about the internet. Without physical evidence, it's almost like something never happened.

 

It's a road I don't need to go down again, but every now and again, I feel drawn to it.

 

I am frustrated with knitting. I tried to knit a scarf with two threads of different coloured yarn and it just looked messy. I had to pull everything out, because I'd pulled two other scarf-beginnings out to start that one, and then that one didn't work out, and then... yeah. Frustrated. Muchly. Also tired, I think.

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If you are still struggling with some of the basics (and that is OK! I struggled for a looo-oong time honey-chile) I might stick with knitting on a single strand of yarn.

As a matter of fact I have been knitting two years now and I don't think I've ever knit anything with two strands held together. Some of the basic things I started with were the Ribbed for Her Pleasure scarf (learn to knit and purl), and the kerchief in SnB (learn increases and decreases), then this bell sleeve shrug (learn how you deal with lots and lots of boring stockinette, and seaming), and then the French Market Bag from Knitty (learn picking up stitches, knitting in the round, how to put things on stitch holders, how to felt, and how to scrap an entire 4 months worth of work and start over again. Good times.)

 

As far as meltdowns...I know a little bit about those two. I have my own, quiet type of meltdown every so often. I had a big one a few years back and it involved a trip in an ambulance, a stomach full of charcoal and a week in the psych ward under observation. One thing I took away from that little vacation? After being in group therapy 5 times a day for a week straight I learned that there are people WAY MORE f*cked up than me!

So, if nothing else, take heart in that :twisted:

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If you are still struggling with some of the basics (and that is OK! I struggled for a looo-oong time honey-chile) I might stick with knitting on a single strand of yarn.

As a matter of fact I have been knitting two years now and I don't think I've ever knit anything with two strands held together. Some of the basic things I started with were the Ribbed for Her Pleasure scarf (learn to knit and purl), and the kerchief in SnB (learn increases and decreases)

 

As far as meltdowns...I know a little bit about those two. I have my own, quiet type of meltdown every so often. I had a big one a few years back and it involved a trip in an ambulance, a stomach full of charcoal and a week in the psych ward under observation. One thing I took away from that little vacation? After being in group therapy 5 times a day for a week straight I learned that there are people WAY MORE f*cked up than me!

So, if nothing else, take heart in that :)

 

I actually didn't have trouble with the knitting two strands, but it looked really bad. The two colors got all twisty and it was messy, so no more double-coloured projects for now!

 

Do you know where I could find the patterns for the scarf and kerchief you mentioned? I'm so stoked that I can actually read a pattern! I really hate ssk, though.

 

I am going to pm you with a link to something I'm knitting right now and you can tell me if it's respectable enough for gifting-- you too, 'Snarky! And Yellowrose! And most anybody else who wants to weigh in.

 

Hee! That last line totally cracks me up, because I had a similar awakening in the web community.

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They are in my SnB book, they are pretty simple, but I will check tonight and get you a cast on amount and stitch count and stuff like that for tomorrow. The ribbed scarf is pretty simple actually, I think it's just k2, p2 all the way!

 

 

Do you know where I could find the patterns for the scarf and kerchief you mentioned? I'm so stoked that I can actually read a pattern! I really hate ssk, though.

 

 

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