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BPAL Madness!
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Tumbleweeds abound

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Relentless

I wish I could buy bottles for my switchee. I wish I could buy bottles for myself.   Why are money issues so freakin relentless?   The housemate saga continues: He's still here, and we've been waiting for a sizeable check from his mother. Note: She's a working nurse. She owns her own home. He hasn't had a job since late march. He reneged on his lease, and my mother is responsible for it, as co-signer. My mother is unable to work. She's on government disability. She doesn't get a lot. His mother sent him a check for $25 when he told her he was being evicted from his apartment. And some sweaters. She sent him a check for $225 when he told her his car wasn't working and also needed tags and insurance. He had his own apartment for 4 months. The rest he's lived here- not all of those months were leeching, but the way things even out... he's cost more than he's balanced. I know, I have the power to tell him to leave, and it's my job, and it's bad for my marriage, and everything else. I'm not trying to bitch about him. I'm bitching about his mother. The sizeable check arrived today. When he told me that she said she would send a fair amount, I had visions of $500+. Then he said she was going to send $250. Okay. That'll take care of a few things. No. Not $250. $150.   The crack in my windshield has gotten much bigger and we went to the insurance company today. We have a $100 deductible. So there's another unplanned expense. $100 that we have to borrow. I just wish we had a cushion. I'm terrible with money. But if he sat me down and told me straight out that there would be no more BPAL purchases until we have some money set aside in savings, it'd be so. The problem is that the money always goes for something frivolous anyway, so I figure why not BPAL? Or whatever. And it's not like there's a lot of frivolity. More this month than in a long time, because of school money, but my frivolity is not to be had, thanks to stupid-ass rock trucks with no covering on top of their scary-ass rocks.   I really want to scream and be angry and throw a tantrum. I just don't know who to be angry at.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

The Colbert Report

Steven Colbert just said "cock-blocked." Is there a clean reference that I'm missing; one that has to do with roosters or something? Because otherwise? Woah. Not bleeped or anything.  

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Queen Gertrude, De Sade and others

I tried a few imps really quickly before I put them up for swap.   De Sade: Unsurprisingly, it's leather. I'd test it on my husband if I thought he'd like it, because it might smell fantastic on him, but he's not into wearing scents. At least not where he can smell them. I tried a smidge of Manhattan on his collarbone, and he hated being able to smell it. Should I try his hands, maybe? Anyway, right. De Sade. Leather. That's about it. I don't like it on me, but I think I'd love it in other blends. I just don't like it by itself and can't see myself ever wanting to wear this blend. For me, it's a 3 of 10. It's that high because I'd love to smell it on my husband, and I think it's a novelty that I really enjoy.   Queen Gertrude: First struck me as really... I dunno. Overwhelmingly floral and perfumey. Once on my skin, however, it takes a turn for the lovely. I'm thinking Illyria might be my category even more than Wanderlust. It softens into this sweet, warm floral that is comforting and light. Very beautiful. I like it more than Shadow Witch Orchid. Odd note: Gennivre smells almost just like this on my skin, except really oddly bitter. Huh. It ranks an 8, but Gennivre ranks a swap, I think.   A dab of French Love: Bright and friendly smelling. It's just got an undertone that I don't like- there's something turning bitter on my skin, like a bad combination of herbs/greens on me. Not my thing. May be worth trying again at a later date, though. 5.   Saint-Germain: The amber REALLY blooms in this one. I'm pondering keeping it, but I'm not sure I like the beginning enough to want to wear it often. Still, the amber is just stunning. I may test this one again.   Pain: I love the mintiness of this. It's actually very pretty, but doesn't strike my fancy at the moment. I don't hate it. 6.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Setbacks

I've lost momentum with my secret project now that school started and I had to pull out five rows. Five doesn't sound like a lot, but it feels like a lot.   I almost bought a set of size 3 double pointed needles today, and then realized I wouldn't have the first idea how to use them. I'll get there eventually, I guess. I don't know.   I'm doing okay in math so far. I like that it's a much slower pace. I just could not cover that amount of material in such a short time and grasp it... obviously. So I'm going to work really hard this quarter, again.   I need to work out next week. I'll try and go in extra early one day, if I can get to bed early enough. I just need to get in there, it doesn't matter how long. If I do it once, I can do it regularly from there on out without it being too much of a strain on my anxiety. So... here's hopin'.   I wish my switchee would post more!

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Review links: Earliest to most recent

Eris (Wow. This is sort of embarrassing. My nose was just so untrained... yeah. But Eris is special, because she was my first. I'd like to give her another go, now that I'm almost a year into it. Most of my early reviews are exceedingly painful, really.) Scherezade Moxie Eos Jailbait Aizen-Myoo Penny Dreadful (I'd like to try this one again.) Dragon's Milk Black Forest Zombi (Another I'd like to retry) Seraphim Numb (Another I'd like to retry) Inferno Midnight Hamadryad Lick It Hollywood Babylon Hell's Belle (I need to update this review to reflect an aversion to that type of musk.) Glasgow Red Devil Jester Whitechapel Dude! I really need to update this review! It's awful, and for one of my favourite scents ever!) Swank Grand Guignol (I really want to try this one again.) Bliss (I don't love this one so much anymore.) Madrid (Not as enchanted by this one anymore.) Velvet Dragon's Blood Dragon's Hide Dragon's Eye Malediction Blood Voodoo The Lady of Shalott Arkham (Revisited) Akuma (Be sure and read the review by WidgetAlley, which is right before mine.) Follow Me Boy Asphodel Florence Serpent's Kiss Sea of Glass Kali Grog Bluebeard Haunted Hunger Blood Lotus Blood Rose Lilith Block Buster Red Lantern Gingerbread Poppet Endymion Aunt Caroline's Joy Mojo Shub Niggurath Monster Bait: Closet Lolita Alice Rage Bloodlust Voodoo Queen Thirteen (13) Verdandi Tezcatlipoca The Hesperides Santa Muerte Cerberus Lotus Moon Shattered Villain Danse Macabre Debauchery Golden Priapus Coyote Khephra Hetairae Wicked O Morocco Enraged Orangutan Musk The Red Queen Vicomte de Valmont Katharina Hecate Aeval R'lyeh Carnal Port-Au-Prince Black Opal Eat Me Jack Xanthe, the Weeping Clown Chaos Theory: Strange Attractors MLXXVIII (1078) Mme. Moriarty, Misfortune Teller The Candy Butcher Gennivre, L'Artiste du Diable Theodosius, The Legerdemain The Organ Grinder Midnight on the Midway Carnaval Diabolique Devil's Night Thalia Undertow Bewitched Le Serpent Qui Danse Sleepy Moon F5 Et Lux Fuit Aglaea The Scales of Deprivation Miskatonic University Freak Show Halôa Euphrosyne Kurukulla Hymn to Propserpine Mouse's Long and Sad Tale Djinn Kathmandu Pele Eve King of Spades Mabon Nuclear Winter Doc Buzzard Monster Bait: Underpants Pink Phoenix Pumpkin Patch 2 Glitter Bengal Dana O'Shee Dublin Queen of Sheba White Musk Punkie Night Boomslang Bakeneko Australian Copperhead Zarita, the Doll Girl The Oblation Pink Moon 2005 Faith, the Siamese Twin Asp Viper Leo Mr. Nancy High John the Conquerer Bien Loin D'ici Medea Euterpe Beaver Moon Snow Angel Enraged Bunny Musk Night's Pavillion       That's it so far! I have a ton I need to write up, still, though. And I realize you can easily use the search function to see my reviews, but it's nice to just have at my fingertips. (151 as of Snow Angel)

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

A Rant About Money

I am about sick of money issues coming up. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because it's not like we're starving to death or anything, but it's awfully frustrating being the only one of the three of us with any sort of income. Car insurance and gas money tacked on to everything else is just sort of almost too much to deal with. And here's the thing with insurance: My mom had been taking care of it because she had the money and it was just cheaper for her to do it for a number of reasons. Well, when we went in to have it switched over to my name, they initially quoted a rate that was within our budget, but recanted when they noticed that we didn't get the multiple car discount that my mother has. The rate they quoted then was about double the original one. We went in a couple of days ago to finish up the paperwork and when I asked for the quote again to put in my records, we were given the lower rate- which I didn't notice until we got home. I like the lower rate, but I don't want this to bite us in the ass. Do we go in and bring it up to them? Just wait on it? Oh yeah, and here's something else fun: My windshield is cracked. Got trapped behind two big semi's riding side by side, with rocks piled into the back, completely unprotected, and several of them pelted the windshield. I didn't notice the crack until this week. We can apparently get it fixed for $70, which we don't have to spare, or we can file a claim and have the insurance rate increase. Does that seem right? I'm a bit naive about insurance, apparently, but I've been exceedingly distressed since my husband told me that any claim we make will bump up our rate.   If I had the energy, I'd shriek in frustration.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Of Bpal and of Life

Life: Week one is over tomorrow. I totally chickened out and dropped art immediately. It was a good decision. I get to focus on math and enjoy my psych class and then I have extra time to work out.   Of BPAL: My husband commented today that he likes Port-au-Prince on me. I'm in love with the scent. I think I need to re-explore almond scents that I snubbed early on. Bastet, I'm looking at you. So, yeah. Port-au-Prince is on my list of favourites now. My Alice imp is leaky. This is sad! It's my new sleep-time scent! Has anyone tried Les Fleurs du Mal? I guess I could go read reviews. Is it cloyingly floral? The description seems overwhelming, and yet I want to try it.   Life: I thought I had a quiz tomorrow, but then I realized I didn't! One more week to study vocab.   Of BPAL: I'm kinda excited about getting stuff together for my switchee. I need to pick up some things... I just hope she doesn't think I'm lame. I do feel like I'm gradually getting better at it, though! I'm going to work on doing my GC package sniffing on weekends and then shipping during the week.   Life: It's better with a routine. I need a strategy for next summer. But that will wait a few months, I think. In the meantime...   BPAL! (Er, I mean, studying.)   I'm doing better.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

School

Art   If you heard a noise that sounded much like a sonic boom early monday, that was my anxiety skyrocketing.   Monday was baaaad. Tuesday was better. Wednesday, I suspect, will be even better.   I'm feeling good about my math class and the instructor and the pace. I love my psych instructor and I'm interested in the subject, so that one's a delight. Winter quarter, I'll do 3 classes. I need to conserve my energy for now.   Bed, now.  

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

My knitting project

My super-secret knitting project? Yeah, it's taking forfreakingever. Am I just excruciatingly slow? I think I might be halfway done with it now, and I've been knitting for a week. How quickly should this be taking shape? Am I going way too slowly, or is this average? ... I think I may go with PM's.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Just checking in

Frazzled.   School starts on monday. What's it going to be like? What if I get lost? What if I wear the wrong shoes? What if I've got the wrong lunch box? What if I trip on the stairs? ... right. I've been here before, and I have badass shoes (except the ugly gold ones I wore at my wedding) and I don't have a lunch box, and if I trip on the stairs for the zillionth time, then I'll laugh for the zillionth time and accept help up from the cute boy who calls me ma'am. ...wait. That was mostly right. Except for the boy calling me ma'am. And, really, how often do I trip on the stairs?   So, yeah. Nerves are high.   In other news: My mom has not been to the ER, so no more bleeding as of yet. The doctor came over and changed her bandage and generally checked her leg out. He says it looks ouchy but okay. Well, I'm summarizing.   I haven't kept up with anybody else lately, and I'm really sorry for that. I'm on power-save mode right now, which sucks, especially if you're my friend Rob, who had a birthday several days ago and didn't get a phone call from me. But I remembered! My anxiety has just been so friggin' high lately that everytime I think about calling him now, I think "He'll think I forgot!" and then it all goes downhill from there.   Stupid anxiety. Stupid nightmares. Grr.   I need to get my school things together. Notebooks and whatnot. I think I'm going to end up carrying three bags; one for each class. I'm wondering if I'll need the psychology book. I know the instructor, and I haven't used any textbooks in his classes thus far, but none of them were psych. I guess I'll figure it out. I'm looking forward to next week being over with. I wish I could just ask the art instructor if he's going to be a psycho-lunatic, but that probably wouldn't go over well.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

A swap idea

So, I got that mixed cd from my switch witch, and I know this is nothing new, but wouldn't it be neat to have a swap where all the participants made up either one or many cd's equalling the number of participants, and then send one of each off to everyone? Am I explaining that well enough? I know it's been done before, though I can't remember if I saw it on BPAL or not.   In other news: My mother nicked an artery in her leg last night (or so said the EMTs who bandaged it up) when she tripped over her printer table. It was not stitched because her skin is too thin to handle it. She didn't go down to ER last night, though- they told her that nothing more could really be done, and that she wasn't in any danger unless she started bleeding profusely again. So I waited up most of the night to see if we were going to be heading for the ER or not. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep last night. Good prep for school, I suppose.   School starts on monday. I don't have my financial aid money, which means I don't have most of my books. I do have the most important book, however; my math book. I'm pondering dropping the art class and just dealing with math and psych, but that seems lame. I feel like I should be more nervous about school starting.   Still looking for pretty knitting patterns, as always! Also, what are some easy socks to start with? I'll eventually get the right kind of needles and yarn, and ze socks will be mine! Especially the snowflake socks, and the snicket socks. I don't remember where the snicket ones are- magknits, maybe? But, yeah.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Want!

I totally want these socks!   Feeling a little better. Not sleeping like I should be. Still looking for neat and relatively easy patterns to try. Working on the one thing, and now I'm a little worried about how it is going to turn out. Anyway.   I am going to work out next week. If I do not, please thwack me. It is for my own well-being. And, honestly, it'll be good to start early in the quarter instead of waiting to the very last moment.   I'm nervous about school starting, still, but also still excited. I got these super cute pants that are in a size I never want to purchase again, and a few shirts, with the gift cards from our wedding.   It was nice to get out today. I got a few things mailed out and the aforementioned clothes. I didn't get much knitting done, though. This is not good.   I love the song Ladylike, and I can't get it out of my head. I need it for my ride to school.   My witch gave me an awesome mixed cd; it's got David Hasslehoff on it, in German! Plus the black rum song, and Charlotte Church. I love it. And I don't know if my lips are just wierd, but the bonnie bell lip smacker's stuff has made them softer than most things I've tried recently-- which is a lot!   Jarvenpa read my husband's chart for me. It was really quite breathtaking. I like thinking that the stars and the planets are an intrinsic part of our lives.   Back to the subject of school: Re: Art: I'm really worried about it. I don't know if it's just self-doubt or if it's intuitive, but I have this really nagging feeling that I shouldn't be taking it. Then again, I have similar feelings about most of my classes. So, I dunno. I'll see how things unfold next week.   Annnyway. That's it.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Scarf or coinpurse thingy

I have size 15 needles that I was going to knit a scarf with, but I think I'll go back to the size 9 set. I sort of want a pretty scarf that's really easy, but I haven't had luck finding any good patterns. Any thoughts would be welcomed gratefully.   I also want to do a small coinpurse, but I think I may just wing that one.   I think I need circular needles! They seem to be necessary for -everything- cute. Dude! I also need to pick up a tote bag for knitting stuff.   Anxiety is high but I'm doing reasonably well. I found the new address of the site I mentioned last night and I still recognize a lot of names.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Moodiness, Anxiety, Sleeplessness and a loss

I saw my meds nurse friday and she told me to journal as often as possible. So I'm going to try for everyday.   I first got online in early '99. I was in a bit of a meltdown and thought it would be a great place to find support in a relatively non-threatening sort of way, except I was intimidated by the internet anyway. Horror stories, you know. Regardless, I found a mental health support site and became a part of the community there. They had bulletin boards and a chat room- it took me a month to get the nerve to go into chat, and then I was hooked. I still preferred the forums, though. It gave me time to think my responses through, and I wasn't quick on the keyboard.   Being young for my age and naive as could be, my angst fed on the forum dramas that seemed to always exist. I only got involved if it involved somebody I cared about, but I loved everyone. (I had issues with telling folks I loved them. Apparently, without tone and context, it can look an awful lot like I'm trying to steal somebody's husband. I just had a lot of love at that point and didn't have any qualms about expressing it. That came later.) So my emotions ran high and I made a close-knit circle of friends and felt like less of a freak-- y'know, in retrospect, a mental health forum is not the best place to make friends. You tend to feed off the negative energy rather than find ways out. Anyway. I sort of quit going after having a particularly rough drama occur; I just couldn't deal anymore. They moved the site shortly thereafter, and I joined and lurked occasionally, but never really got back into posting. I didn't even keep in touch with the people who meant the most to me, which makes me sad.   Tonight I wanted to find the last name of a particular member, and I recalled that she had a website linked in her signature, so I went to the site, and it wasn't there. It's been moved again... It's like it has erased more traces of my past. That's one thing I dislike about the internet. Without physical evidence, it's almost like something never happened.   It's a road I don't need to go down again, but every now and again, I feel drawn to it.   I am frustrated with knitting. I tried to knit a scarf with two threads of different coloured yarn and it just looked messy. I had to pull everything out, because I'd pulled two other scarf-beginnings out to start that one, and then that one didn't work out, and then... yeah. Frustrated. Muchly. Also tired, I think.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Chaos

I wish I were better at picking out notes. I got my Chaos Theory in the mail on the first, and I'm not sure what I think of it. It feels almost perfect for me in some ways- like Beth was actually checking out my preferences or something- It is similar to Cerberus, but lighter. There's a slight sweetness and what might be blackberry wine. Wine often turns to kitty litter on my skin. I'm pretty sure the blackberries are what did me in with MB: Closet.   Manhattan isn't me. It's rather aloof and polished and a little bit masculine. It's a pretty scent, but it doesn't work for me. That's sad, but it means I get to make a trade for something I really want- Alice, Les Bijoux, Arkham, Misk U, and Baghdad all spring right to mind. I'm tempted to update my swap post right now, but I'm not sure I'm ready to part with it.   I'm undecided on Xanthe. I must test it out, but I'm sort of nervous, because I want to keep the bottle pristine, for some reason. Hah. I LOVE the trading card, and I must find all of them. I can't afford to have all the bottles, but surely people will be willing to part with the cards, right?   Finally, Katharina. So much love. So much goodness. White, musky goodness, and apricot with orange blossom goodness. Mmm.   Of the 8 frimps, I've only tried 2 previously, so that's cool. I'm going to need some imps to toss along with my school things so I can have them handy.   I must learn to knit socks. I love these things. Snarky, I love them! My feet rebel against my other socks, since having the royal treatment. It's my new obsession. Maybe I'll swap BPAL for socks! But I want to make my own. What's a garter stitch? I hear it mentioned in patterns a bit, but I don't think I've seen an example anywhere.   Also, my backwards knitting site doesn't have a section on how to do anything but cast on, knit and purl. That makes me nervous about trying other things. Dude! I can't believe I'll be back in school in less than two weeks! Annnnd enough about that. I'm all done for the night; gotta go snuggle with the boy.   I ADORE him. Have I mentioned that lately?

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Kindly Moon

If I could buy bottles and bottles of Kindly Moon, I would. (I'd really love the bottle, but I don't know that the notes will agree with my chemistry.) I'd buy them, and then I'd give them to all of you. You've all been so very kind to me, and I have been so desperately needy, and it has helped me more than you can know.   Looking over the notes, I may have to wrangle a decant or two, because it does sound extremely lovely- if a tad floral. I bet it's really light and gorgeous, though. I'll probably see about swapping for a decant eventually, just to be sure.   I really want to get a bottle of Arkham and the series' teeshirt. Arkham just strikes me as exquisitely perfect for late summer/early autumn. The shirt is just kickass.   I was supposed to see my meds nurse tomorrow (wednesday), but got pushed back to friday. This is very sad. I really have a lot to discuss with her.   Okay, back to BPAL. I think I may swap for a few GC scents. I have a couple of bottles that I don't love.   So, a bit of a digression: My housemate came back and was talking to my husband and I about how horrible the premiere of House was. My husband likened it to someone taking something lovely and perfect from the Louvre, finger-painting over the top of it, and then tossing it into the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. My housemate tossed in that it was more like they f@cked it with a large, purple dick. So I was all, "So, that reminds me..." and they both start cracking up like nothing else, and it took me a few seconds to connect what I'd just said with the context of the conversation... But, yeah. I think it was Sarada who was commenting on the whole ebay "Not from BPAL" issue and said something to the effect of: "The next time I put something up for auction on ebay, I'm going to title it "Not a giant green metal dildo" so that people who are looking for one have to look at my shit, too." I need to find that and put it in my signature quote.   That has to do with BPAL, albeit indirectly.   I can now knit, purl and stitch a mean stockinette! Woohoo! Patterns make no sense at all to me, though. I also have no idea how to handle increases or decreases or binding off or what to do with the tail end of the yarn that's just kinda dangling there. Is there something I'm supposed to be doing special with the end stitches to make them more tidy or something? I'm planning on knitting a scarf and a few other things, but I think I need to learn more first. Heh.   So, yeah. Doing better. You guys are really important to me, y'know? I missed you over the long weekend.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Internet

My internet was cut off friday- I should be back online tuesday. No worries everybody.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Trouble

I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I have trouble dealing with kindness when I'm going through a rough time. I don't know how to explain it, other than it makes me break down, because it's overwhelming, or something... does that make sense? At any rate, there's a whole heck of a lot of kindness here and as much as I appreciate it, I think I need to sign off for the evening. Love to everyone.     I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure I know why anymore.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Money

I'm upset with my husband and I'm upset with myself. My bank account is in the negative, and my husband just spent $60 that could have easily been avoided. He was too proud to do anything about it, and I wasn't bold enough. I feel. . . sucky.  

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

More Knitting Woes

I've been directed to some great sites, but I can't seem to figure out how to do that first stitch. Also, what's with purling? Do I need to learn how to do that right away? Not that I know what either of them actually are... I'm really, really frustrated with myself right now and wishing I had somebody to show me what all I'm doing wrong.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Hey Jealousy

I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning Has not been quite extinguished from my soul, But let it cause you no more fret or mourning - I do not wish to trouble you at all. I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly, At times in fear, at times in jealous hells... I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly As God let you be loved by someone else. - Alexander Pushkin   How... exquisite... is this?

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Knotting- helllllp!

Not as in "making knots", but as in "not knitting".   Dude, I don't know what I'm doing, but it sure as hell doesn't resemble what she's doing on the knittinghelp site. Also, I've watched her continental casting clip ten thousand times, and I can still only get it started once in twenty-five times. Is there any reason I can't start with a slip knot and a single cast, and then do the rest with her double-casting style thingy?   Also? None of my knitting looks like any of the things she's demonstrated at all. Mine is all wavy and you can sort of see a braided effect if you pull it out really tightly, but then it springs right back into the wavy seam thing. WTF? I'm doing something, and it is making rows and whatnot, but it's nothing like anything I've seen today. Or ever.  

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

More Knitting

So, I've got a question. It's for anyone, but especially all you knitting-inclined folks. How uncool would it be for you to receive an item knitted by a novice knitter, such as myself, as a gift in a swap or something? And, seriously, don't be nice.

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Snarky!

I got a package from Ms. Snark containing the last of my Spring Switch Witchery, and wow! She knitted me a stunning pair of socks, and included the pattern and... I can't stop looking at them! They're like art, for my feet!   Thank you so much, darlin'. That made my day!

smallvoice

smallvoice

 

Relationships

I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately.   I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way.   He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time.   I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special.   His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there.   I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that?   I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence.   The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me.   I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.

smallvoice

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