Did I mention my whole math saga yet? I mean, the latest part of it. Just for the record, I don't like doing badly. So sucking in math this quarter has been a huge strain on my anxiety. HUGE. (Learning that I might be able to draw, however, has been priceless.) And I've sucked to the point where I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull a D-, which is a .7. I was pissed at myself when I got a 3.1 out of intro to Anthropology. That's just for comparison, so the sting of this is crystal clear. Monday, my instructor showed us our grades going into the final. Mine was a .5- I could lose my financial aid if I don't get at least a .7. This sucks. SUCKS! So I go in on tuesday, absolutely flattened because there's just no way I can see I'll be able to score high enough on the final to pull a .7; no way. She comes over again and goes, "Oh, I was mistaken. THIS is actually what you have right now." And points to a 1.7. Uh, that's quite a change. It also puts me into range for pulling a 2.0, which is what I need to move past college level algebra. Most importantly, it is NOT a .5!! Holy shit.
So now I don't want to screw up my grade. I want to do well on the final, and I have no idea if I can do that or not. I'm not prepared. I know I'm going to be taking it over again, but... it'd be nice to do it because I want to, not because I have to. Y'know?
So, my brother called me last night and announced that his mother told him that I don't have anyone helping with the wedding, so what all do we need done? Well, flowers. But it's wierd that she would say that, because all I've been hearing is that a million people have offered to help, so I set him straight on that. Flowers. Which will be the cost of the flowers themselves, but the arranging will all be free. Fine. So just now, I tell my mother what my brother told me, and she says, "Yeah, nobody's stepped forward to help." And I'm like, "Mom. Why is this the first I've heard of it? You've told me that offers of aid have been pouring in since September, so why would you now tell me that that's not the case? Why would you tell me that just 9 days before the wedding? Why???" Only not quite so dramatically. So she hems and haws and is like, "People just don't want to help anymore." Uh. Uhhhhh. Dude. My brain can't even handle this. I have my muthafuggin' math final tomorrow. No more stress. My wedding is in 9 days. No more stress. The rings arrived today and they're about two miles too wide. NO MORE STRESS!
Have you ever listened to the lyrics of "The Look" by Roxette? The boy and I just did, and they had us nearly hysterical. I don't know if it's a mis-translation or what, but it sounds exactly like they were all sitting around one day.... (fade to daydream sequence)
Band Member 1: We need to write a song! (It's in english because this is my daydream sequence)
Band Member 2: Good idea! What should we write about?
Band Member 1: (eating a sandwich) I'unno.
Band Member 3: Well, this IS the '80s. We should write about a chick.
Band Member 2: Nah, that's boring.
Band Member 1: (polishes off sandwich before speaking) Let's compromise! We'll write a song about a chick based off one of these crazy-funny mad-lib things! I just got one, and there is serious hilarity potential, I'm telling you! Plus, it's always good to spur inspiration!
Band Member 3: How is that a compromise? Are you stoned?
Band Member 2: Does it matter?
Band Member 3: ...not really. Let's get on it, then!
(end daydream sequence)
Also, I'm getting married on Joss Whedon's birthday, which is hysterical to me right now. I think I'm prone to hysteria due to finals looming large. But yeah. I had no idea until today, just now, when I read the deal about Serenity being released back into theaters for charity on his birthday. Heh. That's pretty wicked. The boy snickered and said resignedly, "Figures."
Gah. Must suppress urge to spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need.
My brother's mother-in-law is going to do all our flowers at no cost. That's pretty cool. Vicki. I need to remember her name is Vicki.
Cake at no cost, flowers at no cost, hairstyle at no cost, makeup at no cost, food handling at no cost (not actual catering, but people are helping to serve punch and keep trays stocked and cake set out and whatnot), piano for when I walk at no cost, decorations at little cost, location at no cost, officiant at no cost... And I know I'm forgetting stuff. I know I sound like an incredible cheapskate, but I just have a lot of great people in my life.
Ten days! I'm going to be married in just ten days! That's unbelievable. I'm so excited. Despite the fact that I don't have shoes. And our rings aren't here yet. And my dress probably won't be here for about a week. ...
Anyway, we got the marriage license today. Fun stuff. It makes it all so much more real. Guh, it's going to be such a hassle to change my name. I hope it all goes smoothly. Now I'm starting to get really nervous.
I grew up in the LDS church, also known as the mormons. I was baptised at age 12 because my mother and I were converts, and my dad wasn't active. I'm no longer active. I'm still feeling out my spiritual pathways. However, the LDS church is always going to be a part of who I am and, at least locally, they have a really great community of people. Most of the people helping with the wedding are members. I'm getting married in an LDS church building, by an LDS bishop. My mom is still an active member. My fiance decides that he wants to investigate the church to learn more about my background in it and to connect more with my mom, and also to attend with our roommate, who wouldn't go otherwise. This is all very nice, in theory. However, he hates organized religion. He's very liberal, politically speaking. He believes in God, but doesn't like all the dressings. When he met with the missionaries, it annoyed me, because I felt like he was there to waste their time. And he came back with snide remarks and his usual issues with the thought of organized religions- complaints about beliefs and accusations about oppression of women and just... all the same stuff. So I shrugged and told him not to do it. But he's persisted. So I tend to nod and sigh and remind him that he doesn't have to go there, and nobody's trying to force him into the beliefs. It just irritates me. He came home today ranting about how tithing is just rent for the church and they don't care about motivations and whatever. It's a freaking principle of the church. Don't act like you understand it, because you obviously don't. It isn't flexible. Organized religion has to have structure to it, otherwise it WOULDN'T BE ORGANIZED!!!
I don't think my addiction to the internet is a bad thing. I think people who are derisive of the internet are slugs. It can be a catalyst of bad things, but it can also be a catalyst of good things, and ultimately I think it balances out. I don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that I went through shaking, sweating, convulsing withdrawls over the past week I've been without the internet.
My wedding's in one week and six days. On monday, we HAVE to see about getting the license. I also changed my mind about my dress. I was going to wear a kimono, but it turned up all wrong and that's been distressing. So when my bridesmaid/flower girl tops showed up all gorgeous, I went looking through this site at the dresses. I'm having a custom tailored dress made for less than $50, and it should be here late next week. It's perfect. I'm getting the one in cyan, which looked more turquoise on my mother's computer, and now I'm starting to get worried. Not that worried. As long as I get married, I'll be happy. I'm less stressed than I ought to be. I think I'm more focused on surviving school this quarter. When it's over with, I'll go into full-on panic mode for the wedding.
There are about 10 people who aren't coming that I would love to magically transport here for the wedding. (And a couple of people who've passed on that I wish could attend as well.) I'd have 2 more bridesmaids were that the case. Ah, well. I know they'll be here in spirit.
My father did bring one blessing into my life- his mother. She was a dear, gentle woman and I miss her tremendously. Her death wasn't filled with grief for me, however. It was one of the easiest goodbyes I've ever said to someone I love, and I am not good with the farewell moments. It just felt like her time. I do regret not seeing her again before she died. I think she'd be glad to see me so happy, though. I need to remember to bring yellow roses to the wedding for her. She carried them at her wedding.
I am very glad both my brothers will be attending. I suspected one wouldn't be able to make it. Anyway... Off to do some homework. Or lounge around the forums s'more.
My mother decided to leave my father when I was 14 years old, an idea that I supported. Unfortunately, the method was all wrong. Instead of going through an attorney, she packed up the car and we rode off into the sunset. It was a whole big ordeal.
I was never one of those kids who was afraid of her parents getting a divorce. I occasionally prayed for it, even as early as 8 or 9 years old. I don't know- possibly before then.
When we left town, it was several days before he noticed. Days. He called my sister (from his first marriage), who was in her late 20s at the time, I believe. He was frantic about who was going to take care of him. It's always all about him. Most two year olds are less self-centered, and that's not hyperbole.
We eventually came back.
My mother's health is declining. Living with him has gotten progressively worse. So... she's decided to leave him. Finally. My fiancee (husband in less than a month!) talked her into seeing a lawyer and doing this right. It's just dredging up a lot of shit for me. There's SO much more that I can't process yet. But yeah. If I'm all over the place, that's part of the reason.
Trying to focus on other things... meh. I hate when life gets turned upside down, even when it's best in the long run... But this..? This is just dredging up awfulness from the past and present. It'll get better, but... man, it sucks right now. I'll go into more detail when I can. I'm paranoid at the moment.
I need to stay out of that LJ thread. It's making me upset and snarky and I generally try to be nice to people. I just need to take a breath, a step back, and focus on the fact that I don't always have to attack when I feel threatened. This, to me, is a safe place, and I don't want it to be unsafe... but I'm not the authorities. Yeah, I'm being silly. It's just so... irritating that people can be so freaking mean!
Gah. I need to do homework. The boys went to church.
I need to do something to get rid of my negative energy. I know part of it is depression, but part of it is my general attitude, and it sucks mightily.
Why is it that when I come to post something here, my mind goes blank? It's not like I don't have interesting thoughts in my head. I do! But once the page comes up, all I can see is that white canvas, and then I start thinking mundane thoughts, and it's all so irritating.
My wedding kimono FINALLY came today. It's... really crappy workmanship. I'm disappointed. Plus there are black smudges around the collar. Threads are loose from the fake obi, and the velcro is sewn all askew and through the wrong places... it's sort of freaking me out. Not that you can tell. Also, it doesn't fit me. That really sucks.
I wanted to get something else really nice for my swappee. I know for sure she has one of the things I have for her, so I went looking for other things. They all turned out to be things that I want for me, so that's a bad idea. I was all set to check out with some perfume oil samples from various and sundry other places, when I thought to myself: "Self, you ought to check your bank account." And I did. I'm so glad I did... but now what? I know, I'll get creative. But I wish I could do more.
With rabid support from my friends and family, I've sort of discovered that I have potential to learn to be an artist. I don't have technique yet, but I think I could do really well with it eventually. This is hilarious to me, because I've always thought of myself as the least artistic person in the room- can't draw a straight line to save my soul, and my stick figures come out malformed, and nothing looks the way it should- but even more, I had SUCH a horrible experience with my intro to art class I took last fall- My instructor was AWFUL. Like, really mean. Coated in sugar, but just always so negative. I almost wrote a letter to the dean about her, actually. Some of the things she did were highly offensive.
So anyway. Instead of rushing through math and science to prepare for the radiology program, I can take some art classes and other things that interest me- like foreign language, for instance- and see how I'm doing next year at this time.
I'll be married! And with a brand new name! I can't wait to change my name. I'm doing my full name, after we are married.
It's crunch time. I only just mailed off a vast majority of the invitations: Yeah, we're closing in on a month until the day. I'm so unprepared. I'm so very excited. I'm so extremely lucky... and now I'm off to bed.
I HAVE to apply for financial aid for the '06-'07 school year very soon! Turns out I'm going to be taking a series of two math classes instead of this one I'm failing so miserably right now. It sucks, and I don't want to fail again. It makes my GPA cry. And by fail, I do mean fail. I'm trying to see the positive side, which is that I'll get to take more classes that I really want to try, to prepare for the career path I'm interested in before the pressure really sets in. Since when did 2 year colleges become 4 year schools?
I'm really, really tired.
I'm feeling the weight of depression settling in on me this weekend, and I'm sort of afraid of falling back into that pit of awfulness. But! I got an awesome card from my switch witch, I'm preparing my switchee's package, and I've been trying Penance's tarts (and others) over the past couple of days. I love my tart burner. So! Goodness in my life:
-I'm very, very much in love with someone who is everything I want and need, all in one person, and I'm able to recognize how rare that is to find, and be awed.
-I'm NOT incapacitated by depression/anxiety. I'm in school, I'm doing things on my own- even things I don't particularly want to do, and I'm learning how to live life. I'm making mistakes, but who doesn't?
-There are these bunnies on my campus, which fill me with utter joy to see, and I tend to see them most every day. They are ADORABLE. I'm not in the midst of a huge metropolis or anything, but it's not exactly rural, either, so they're particularly exciting.
-I finally got a tart warmer thingy! And a ton of tea lights, because who knew they burnt out so quickly? But, yeah. So far I've tried a skindazzles Island Paradise one I got from Hawke last SW round (which was subtle and really, really pretty), Creme Brulee from 4 Fat Cats Wax Works (which I really like but the SO hates, sadly.), Peppercorn from 4FCWW which is amazing and lingers like you wouldn't believe, and I'm melting a Jack Frost from Yankee Candles that Hawke also sent me, and I haven't been out to sniff at the room yet, but I will. It smelled grand in the solid, though!
-I'm trying to teach myself to draw. I actually like some of the images I've sketched so far, which is... unusual. I would never describe myself as artistically talented by ANY stretch of the imagination. I started on the drawing kick as almost a joke, sort of inspired by my switchee (I'll explain once the round is over, in case she somehow stumbles across this), and found out that it was really soothing and I liked doing it overall. The SO has been really supportive.
-I'm changing my name! What's more is that I know what I want it to be, finally. I thought I knew, but when it came time to sign paperwork, it felt really awful. I've been trying to settle on something that's agreeable to both myself and the SO and sounds good with his last name, and I FINALLY found the right one. He brought it up, and it had been one I'd been too uncertain about to voice. I'm really excited about the namechange, anyway.
-Earlier this week, when I came home from school and got out of the car, I looked up at the sky and a thousand bits of cotton from cottonwood trees in the area were floating gently in the wind, and with the sun shining through them against the backdrop of a blue sky, they all looked like fairies, and it was breathtaking and I can't do it justice.
-I did really well on my last english essay. I'm getting more comfortable with the format of the class and with the people in the class. It's really more of a political science class, but as long as he is consistent with his course outline, I'll do well in the class.
-I got to hear the father of Fractals speak. (Which is all I'll say on the matter, because that's the most positive thing I can say about the experience, heh.)
-Despite the agony of giving up on Archaeology, I'm really enjoying the break between my classes. I've never done that before. I'm planning on doing it again in the fall.
-My wedding invitations are done! (They're not sent off yet, and they're not what I wanted them to be, but they're done.) This is cause for much rejoicing.
-I've found stuff for the bridesmaids, flower girls, and other people to wear, and my mother found a dress she loves. I'm excited.
-I've made it through half the quarter.
-I got a postcard from my switch witch today!
-Paris was eliminated from American Idol, and while it's sad for her, she's really the only one I felt deserved to go at this stage.
...Yeah, I'm done. Heh.
Here's the rundown of everything that's been going wrong in my life of late. I'll do a more positive one soon.
-I got violently ill during finals week last quarter.
-I was violently ill the first week of spring break.
-I was PMS'ing, too.
-Surprise visit from my beloved cousin left little time for rest during the second week of spring break.
-Ugliness and misfortune from friend in previous entry.
-School starts. Yoga-ow. Math-ow. Archaeology-YAY. English-....
-Things resolve with friend, who gets kicked out of his apartment due to not paying rent. (This is a long story.) Instead of doing homework, I help him get moved.
-S.O. gets sick.
-Mom may have whooping cough. If she does, I will have to be tested for it as well.
-If mom has whooping cough, she will go straight to the hospital. Scariness.
-I get sick. I miss 3 of the first 8 days of classes. Catching up in math is going to be a bitch.
-Friend gets moved in here.
-English instructor is extremely condescending to me. It makes me sad.
-At the urging of my S.O., I realize that I can't take archaeology. This is heartbreaking news.
-A favourite uncle who has been really sick for a while now goes into renal failure and is on his deathbed.
-Favourite uncle consequently dies.
-I miss the funeral because it is out of town, and I've already missed too much school.
-The death brings up a lot of past issues.
-I'm still sick but attending school. My voice is mostly gone and I feel like shit, but I'm probably not contagious.
-I tell my archaeology instructor in person that I'm dropping his class, and when he gets concerned, I damn near cry, because his class is the only one I enjoy. This causes more concern from him. Luckily (for me) he has a class and can't stay, but reassures me that I'm not giving up and I have to do what's best for me and all the nice things people say.
-I cry. (In my car)
-I cry some more. (At home)
-For whatever reason, math just isn't sticking with me. I suck. I fail the first quiz.
-My first english essay is late.
-I cry some more. (In my car and at home)
-I don't have wedding invitations yet. This is not good.
-.... to be continued.
I was all excited about placing into the college level algebra... went in today, and the instructor jumped into chapter 5. Chapter 5!!!@#$#$!!~@@#!!~!#$%&(#! Dude, I'm not that smart. Seriously. And it's the first day! I don't have my freaking books! I didn't get the financial aid check until saturday!! Then, she tried to play it off like it was school policy for us to have to get the customized book with the cd-tutorial thing so that we could all take our quizzes from it or some crazy shit, but when I went to the bookstore, the manager (not some student employee, but the actual manager) seemed flabbergasted that we'd be required to get that book. Also, a bunch of people in the class had already gotten the book, and hadn't gotten the one with the tutorial, which cost them an extra $40. And I knew it'd be hard, but I wasn't expecting it to sound like she was speaking a foreign tongue.
So I looked over the homework, and none of it is making any sense to me. At all. And it makes me feel awful, because it's not even that advanced, I just don't have the foundation I need, apparently. And I'm starting to panic because I need this class... If I can't cut it, I'll have to spend 3 quarters on JUST math. Which means it'll be a whole year of waiting to accomplish the prereq's for the radiology program, so it'll be pushed back to the summer of '08 instead of next year, and that's if I'm lucky and all the stars align and.... Wow, I'm insane. And english is sounding like it may become a class I'll hate, sadly. But I'm going to stay with it because I think I may like the instructor... tentatively. I don't know. I'm pretty insane.
Fun times. So, somebody I've been friends with for coming on seven years now has sort of just proven himself to be a rather awful person. The sad part is that I should've seen it coming, and I just wanted to believe the best about him. The really sad part is that other people are paying for my mistake with him. It's a huge mess. I'm pretty angry all around. And sad. I've spent the better part of a year (or more) trying to help him find his way, and all he's been doing is taking advantage of me and anyone close to me who wants to help me... Grrrarrrgggghhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrggggg.