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smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?Do you ever really get over that person who evokes the first exhilirating burst of love? Not your first crush, nor the first person you went out with whenever that began, but the first person you could actually feel in your soul; the one you could see yourself with, growing old together, the very first person to take your breath away and make you rethink everything you've ever heard about the concept of love? Does that one ever really heal? I love my husband with all my heart, truly I do. I don't want anyone else. So why do I find myself still looking for this other person? Actively looking. It doesn't make sense.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?So here are things I've recently figured out about myself: I don't trust people. Moreso than I originally believed. I have issues with my father, but I think those issues are easier for me to resolve, because I've written him off. What's going to be hardest for me is that most of my issues stem from my mother, and I can't bear to think about that. I love my mother, and I know she loves me and did the best she could, but... there's a lot of anger and I don't know how to deal with that. I am a freak who cannot find closure in any way over some STUPID boy I met online AGES ago. This is disturbing. I just want to heal, but he hurt me on such a base level that I sort of sealed it off and now I can't get to it. I don't want him; I don't want to be with him, and if he ever showed back up in my life, I'd probably tell him to trust his instincts and get the hell away from me. But first I would tell him all the things that hurt me. Maybe I just want some acknowledgement of what he did. And there's a part of me that hopes he never realized how much it hurt me, because I don't want him to be capable of doing that to anyone. I need to take care of myself. Why is this called unsent? Because I'm going to start writing physical letters to people I can't let go of, and pretend that they've been read and heard, and hopefully that will help.
It just didn't happen
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I can't believe I am so close to Convergence right now and I can't get there. That seems immeasurably unfair, and I just want to lay in bed and weep. It's within DRIVING distance, and we have $2 to our names. There's never going to be a way to replicate this, either. Convergence will happen again, but the people attending this year are not all going to be at the next one, and I love Portland, and I just don't know how to handle this. I think chocolate is in order.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?It's late, and I'm tired, so I know that's mostly why my emotions are all over the place. I suck at this dieting thing, even though I love salad and fresh fruit and wheat bread... I'm just not doing well with it. I need to add exercise, but I'd have to clear out the front room to really do that, plus I don't have the energy to divert in that direction at this point. I found some old floppy disks that had files and photographs on it from years ago, and there were several of the man I don't think I've ever fully recovered from. I love my husband, and I am completely his, but because there was something so raw about the relationship I had with this other guy, my heart still aches a little at the thought of everything that happened. I wouldn't be with my husband if it hadn't happened like that, though. Anyway, I've been feeling nostalgic for all these old things/experiences lately, and I realized that nothing ever stays the same. The saying "You can never go home again"? Really applies to me right now. Not physical homes, but online communities. I miss Charlie. Anyway. I'm going to go play mind-numbing games until I can sleep. Stupid Verizon. I'll update about them later.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I don't even have an episode of Heroes recorded to soothe my wounded soul from today. My math teacher? Is insane. No calculators on exams or the final. This is an algebra class. He also does pop quizzes and collects homework randomly, and doesn't make use of the online math center that helped me so very much last quarter. This blows. Math was the class I was least worried about. Now I have to upset my whole schedule, and it's just aggravating, and I just don't like the guy, right off the bat. Although I hated my english teacher early on and we're on good terms now. I think I'm going to drop math this quarter and take it next. Now to figure out a good class to pick up in its stead... My eyes ache from my earlier hysterics.
Drama queen suckage: Updated
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I suck. Gah. Sorry for the drama queen syndrome. I just got the results of my last math exam and I sucked, and it pulled my GPA down and I'm really really depressed over it. So, yeah. I got a little intense with the poor me and thus we have suckage.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I know I'm not always the most tactful person in the world, but why do people have to be rude? And why do they have to perpetuate drama? It frustrates me to see the forum degenerate into name-calling and snide remarks masked in smilies. Delivering an insult with a smile is still an insult, and is often more offensive that way. I understand wanting to have the last word, but you don't always need it. Go vent about it elsewhere. Start a blog. Do whatever you need to do, but work it out. Stop campaigning for your cause, because nobody cares. I don't agree with everyone, and I get my hackles up if I feel insulted (which has happened once, and I did react really harshly.) or protective of a friend, or both. But sometimes just let it go. The forum isn't life or death, and if it is, you really need to see about chilling out. Who am I talking to? That's a good question. (I was just remarking that I hate when people talk like that- rhetorical questions that they immediately answer. I think I saw it on Shark when I mentioned it. Anyway.) If you think I'm talking about you, you probably have good reason to think that, and it's probably true. I'm not talking about one single person, or one single side. Right or wrong, it gets absurd on both sides. Then again, I'm not talking about anyone who is reading my blog, probably. Conflict is a part of life, and how we deal with it says a lot about who we are as people. I'm obviously a little(!!) unbalanced, but I'm trying to work out my flaws there. I don't think people are bad. I just think sometimes you've got to take a step back.
Moodiness, Anxiety, Sleeplessness and a loss
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I saw my meds nurse friday and she told me to journal as often as possible. So I'm going to try for everyday. I first got online in early '99. I was in a bit of a meltdown and thought it would be a great place to find support in a relatively non-threatening sort of way, except I was intimidated by the internet anyway. Horror stories, you know. Regardless, I found a mental health support site and became a part of the community there. They had bulletin boards and a chat room- it took me a month to get the nerve to go into chat, and then I was hooked. I still preferred the forums, though. It gave me time to think my responses through, and I wasn't quick on the keyboard. Being young for my age and naive as could be, my angst fed on the forum dramas that seemed to always exist. I only got involved if it involved somebody I cared about, but I loved everyone. (I had issues with telling folks I loved them. Apparently, without tone and context, it can look an awful lot like I'm trying to steal somebody's husband. I just had a lot of love at that point and didn't have any qualms about expressing it. That came later.) So my emotions ran high and I made a close-knit circle of friends and felt like less of a freak-- y'know, in retrospect, a mental health forum is not the best place to make friends. You tend to feed off the negative energy rather than find ways out. Anyway. I sort of quit going after having a particularly rough drama occur; I just couldn't deal anymore. They moved the site shortly thereafter, and I joined and lurked occasionally, but never really got back into posting. I didn't even keep in touch with the people who meant the most to me, which makes me sad. Tonight I wanted to find the last name of a particular member, and I recalled that she had a website linked in her signature, so I went to the site, and it wasn't there. It's been moved again... It's like it has erased more traces of my past. That's one thing I dislike about the internet. Without physical evidence, it's almost like something never happened. It's a road I don't need to go down again, but every now and again, I feel drawn to it. I am frustrated with knitting. I tried to knit a scarf with two threads of different coloured yarn and it just looked messy. I had to pull everything out, because I'd pulled two other scarf-beginnings out to start that one, and then that one didn't work out, and then... yeah. Frustrated. Muchly. Also tired, I think.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I have trouble dealing with kindness when I'm going through a rough time. I don't know how to explain it, other than it makes me break down, because it's overwhelming, or something... does that make sense? At any rate, there's a whole heck of a lot of kindness here and as much as I appreciate it, I think I need to sign off for the evening. Love to everyone. I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure I know why anymore.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I loved you once, and perhaps love so burning Has not been quite extinguished from my soul, But let it cause you no more fret or mourning - I do not wish to trouble you at all. I loved you once, so shyly and so hopelessly, At times in fear, at times in jealous hells... I loved you once, so truly and so tenderly As God let you be loved by someone else. - Alexander Pushkin How... exquisite... is this?
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately. I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way. He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time. I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special. His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there. I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that? I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence. The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me. I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.
Who's an asshole?
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I was going to post this in the title thread on the forum, but it's a little too involved to clog up the board with. Okay. So, we've got a houseguest living here, because he fell apart. He's here on the condition that he gets help and works it out. We want to see him get healthy. So we go the route of trying to get him hospitalized. The hospital says that they can't even put him on the waiting list until he goes to see someone at the crisis response center and have an evaluation there, and then files for medical coupons with the department of social and health services-- and the waiting list is about two years. So we do all that, and try to get him outpatient treatment at the hospital, which they won't do until he gets evaluated by a specific ARNP in the area and gets a different medical coupon. At this point, they won't even evaluate him if he pays out of pocket. So we go to the specific ARNP, and I ranted about him before, because he told me to shut my mouth when I went to ask him to clarify his plan for my housemate's medication. Which still pisses me off, but also keeps me quiet (and that makes me even more mad, because I hate feeling cowed). He's a freak, and he isn't paying attention to what the housemate, S, is saying. He's condescending and just... rude. I don't like him. S missed an appointment with him, and when he went back, ARNP wouldn't let him in without a fee for missing the prior appointment, which S doesn't have. So ARNP told him to leave. The LDS church comes to our aid, and we go see a psychologist who is very nice and very patient, but eventually he insists that we go back to ARNP. So we go to see the guy, and he's being a prima donna. Seriously harrassing S for never coming back (ARNP didn't offer to reschedule when he sent him away.), and treating him like shit, basically. This man is everything I hate about the mental health professional community. Let me count the ways: 1. He says that hospitalization is an option if S really can't do what he needs to do, so S explains what all we've done to try and get hospitalization. ARNP takes this story and goes, "They didn't tell you that you have the wrong medical coupon. They told you you're not sick enough for hospitalization." Uhh. He goes on to imply that S is faking his condition and that my husband and I will soon have no choice but to throw him out on the street. 2. He tries to put the fear of God into S about what hospitalization is like. Every horror story that ever went through my mind when I thought I'd have to be put away, he brought up. Gee, that's helpful. 3. He says that LDS-guy doesn't know what to do with him anymore, and that's why he sent him back. He says that everybody is frustrated because he's not helping himself, and that he won't put up with it. He tells S that he needs to pull himself together, and that eventually, he's going to look back on this and realize what a dick he is. 4. He reiterates that S is not sick and is using everyone. Then he brings up medication. He prattles on about how S won't notice any changes from any of these medicines, and that's fine- it's perfectly normal. He might notice a slight elevation in his moods at higher doses, but these won't really do anything for him at all. Great motivation to take the little bastards, then. 5. ARNP asks, "So, what do you want to do?" In my mind, I calmly reply, "I'd like to punch you in the face." S asks for clarification, and he snaps, "About the medication!" S is like, "Uh, take it?" So he talks some more about the medication, and I think some more about punching his face, and as he's sending us out, he's all, "It's a good thing I'm not your therapist, huh? You wouldn't like me very much. I'd just tell you to get off your ass." Nice. So then he makes another appointment, and is all, "If you don't make this appointment, then Godspeed. I wish you well. But find somebody else. You won't be coming back here." And I so desperately wanted to say, "There is nobody else, you fucktard! If there were, we wouldn't be here! We would never have come back, ever! But DSHS says that you're the only asshole in the area, so we're stuck with you. Isn't that nice?" But I didn't want to hand him that kind of power, so I just nodded and left. While shaking profusely. Fucker. Thanks for helping not at all.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I wish we had filters here. I had a post all written out about something really personal- probably TMI. I just don't feel like sharing it with anybody who happens to stumble across this blog. I'm not even sure I feel comfortable divulging it to you guys. Ze regulars. But. . . I don't know. I don't want to deal with livejournal, but I'd love a friends only filter right now.
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I am all over the place tonight. So I have this horrible confession to make. I'm too embarrassed to make it on the forum, though I might as well be. Everytime somebody dies, I resent my dad for still being alive. I don't have the energy to actively hate him, though when I think about it, I do. I wonder if anyone will hurt when he dies. Gah. This isn't productive. I need to get out of here for a bit. I was going to postsecret that (with less words, of course), but I think I'll just leave it here.
Death and Suicide
smallvoice posted a blog entry in Is Anybody Out There?I think I need to crawl into the land of the sims now. I hate when people die. And I feel guilty if I haven't spoken to them in a while. I've been thinking about my friend, Charlie. He died about two years ago. He's been on my mind all week. I cried so hard when I found out. "I could never commit suicide," he once told me, when I was feeling particularly suicidal. "It goes against my religion. I don't want to go to hell." I don't believe he's in hell. I miss him a lot. Love you, Charlie. Love to you, Cove and Judy.