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smallvoice

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  1. smallvoice

    Hah!

    By smallvoice,

    Have you ever listened to the lyrics of "The Look" by Roxette? The boy and I just did, and they had us nearly hysterical. I don't know if it's a mis-translation or what, but it sounds exactly like they were all sitting around one day.... (fade to daydream sequence)
     
    Band Member 1: We need to write a song! (It's in english because this is my daydream sequence)
    Band Member 2: Good idea! What should we write about?
    Band Member 1: (eating a sandwich) I'unno.
    Band Member 3: Well, this IS the '80s. We should write about a chick.
    Band Member 2: Nah, that's boring.
    Band Member 1: (polishes off sandwich before speaking) Let's compromise! We'll write a song about a chick based off one of these crazy-funny mad-lib things! I just got one, and there is serious hilarity potential, I'm telling you! Plus, it's always good to spur inspiration!
    Band Member 3: How is that a compromise? Are you stoned?
    Band Member 2: Does it matter?
    Band Member 3: ...not really. Let's get on it, then!
    (end daydream sequence)
     
     
    Also, I'm getting married on Joss Whedon's birthday, which is hysterical to me right now. I think I'm prone to hysteria due to finals looming large. But yeah. I had no idea until today, just now, when I read the deal about Serenity being released back into theaters for charity on his birthday. Heh. That's pretty wicked. The boy snickered and said resignedly, "Figures."
     
    Gah. Must suppress urge to spend money I don't have on stuff I don't need.
     
    My brother's mother-in-law is going to do all our flowers at no cost. That's pretty cool. Vicki. I need to remember her name is Vicki.
     
    Cake at no cost, flowers at no cost, hairstyle at no cost, makeup at no cost, food handling at no cost (not actual catering, but people are helping to serve punch and keep trays stocked and cake set out and whatnot), piano for when I walk at no cost, decorations at little cost, location at no cost, officiant at no cost... And I know I'm forgetting stuff. I know I sound like an incredible cheapskate, but I just have a lot of great people in my life.
  2. smallvoice
    My mother decided to leave my father when I was 14 years old, an idea that I supported. Unfortunately, the method was all wrong. Instead of going through an attorney, she packed up the car and we rode off into the sunset. It was a whole big ordeal.
     
    I was never one of those kids who was afraid of her parents getting a divorce. I occasionally prayed for it, even as early as 8 or 9 years old. I don't know- possibly before then.
     
    When we left town, it was several days before he noticed. Days. He called my sister (from his first marriage), who was in her late 20s at the time, I believe. He was frantic about who was going to take care of him. It's always all about him. Most two year olds are less self-centered, and that's not hyperbole.
     
    We eventually came back.
     
    My mother's health is declining. Living with him has gotten progressively worse. So... she's decided to leave him. Finally. My fiancee (husband in less than a month!) talked her into seeing a lawyer and doing this right. It's just dredging up a lot of shit for me. There's SO much more that I can't process yet. But yeah. If I'm all over the place, that's part of the reason.
  3. smallvoice

    Negative energy

    By smallvoice,

    I need to do something to get rid of my negative energy. I know part of it is depression, but part of it is my general attitude, and it sucks mightily.
     
    Why is it that when I come to post something here, my mind goes blank? It's not like I don't have interesting thoughts in my head. I do! But once the page comes up, all I can see is that white canvas, and then I start thinking mundane thoughts, and it's all so irritating.
     
    My wedding kimono FINALLY came today. It's... really crappy workmanship. I'm disappointed. Plus there are black smudges around the collar. Threads are loose from the fake obi, and the velcro is sewn all askew and through the wrong places... it's sort of freaking me out. Not that you can tell. Also, it doesn't fit me. That really sucks.
     
    I wanted to get something else really nice for my swappee. I know for sure she has one of the things I have for her, so I went looking for other things. They all turned out to be things that I want for me, so that's a bad idea. I was all set to check out with some perfume oil samples from various and sundry other places, when I thought to myself: "Self, you ought to check your bank account." And I did. I'm so glad I did... but now what? I know, I'll get creative. But I wish I could do more.
  4. smallvoice

    Chris

    By smallvoice,

    It's JUST a TV show... but I'm so sad that Chris is gone, and I feel an odd sense of guilt for not voting enough.
     
    This should NOT be effecting me to this degree. Dammit.
  5. smallvoice

    School

    By smallvoice,

    I was all excited about placing into the college level algebra... went in today, and the instructor jumped into chapter 5. Chapter 5!!!@#$#$!!~@@#!!~!#$%&(#! Dude, I'm not that smart. Seriously. And it's the first day! I don't have my freaking books! I didn't get the financial aid check until saturday!! Then, she tried to play it off like it was school policy for us to have to get the customized book with the cd-tutorial thing so that we could all take our quizzes from it or some crazy shit, but when I went to the bookstore, the manager (not some student employee, but the actual manager) seemed flabbergasted that we'd be required to get that book. Also, a bunch of people in the class had already gotten the book, and hadn't gotten the one with the tutorial, which cost them an extra $40. And I knew it'd be hard, but I wasn't expecting it to sound like she was speaking a foreign tongue.
     
    So I looked over the homework, and none of it is making any sense to me. At all. And it makes me feel awful, because it's not even that advanced, I just don't have the foundation I need, apparently. And I'm starting to panic because I need this class... If I can't cut it, I'll have to spend 3 quarters on JUST math. Which means it'll be a whole year of waiting to accomplish the prereq's for the radiology program, so it'll be pushed back to the summer of '08 instead of next year, and that's if I'm lucky and all the stars align and.... Wow, I'm insane. And english is sounding like it may become a class I'll hate, sadly. But I'm going to stay with it because I think I may like the instructor... tentatively. I don't know. I'm pretty insane.
  6. smallvoice
    October's venture made me realize that I need to test my top ten again, because Mag Mell dropped off my list! So I'll be working those in there, too. I'm trying to alternate days with LE's and GC's. Mostly, anyhow.
     
    1: Dionysia (retry)
     
    2: Phantom Queen
    3: Gladdener of All Hearts
    4: Bengal
    5: Et Lux Fuit
    6: Dana O'Shee
    7: Tiki Queen
    8: Earth Rat
     
    9: Daiyu (retry)
    10: Dee
    11: Mictecacihuatl
    12: Buggre Alle This Bible
    13: Egg Nog
    14: Western Diamondback
    15: Lilith Victoria
     
    16: Eclipse
    17: Faith
    18: Morocco
    19: Cytherea
    20: Carnal
    21: Love's Philosophy
    22: Miskatonic University
     
    23: Crow Moon
    24: Boomslang
    25: Lilith Victoria (What? I love this one!)
    26: Vasakasajja
    27: Gladdener of All Hearts (What could be better for Thanksgiving?)
    28: Villain
    29: The Perilous Parlor
     
    30: Dorian
  7. smallvoice

    The Nothing

    By smallvoice,

    I feel devoid of self. There is this crushing emptiness that clings to me. I tried tea. I tried cocoa. I pondered mixing the two together but decided against it. I have concluded that it must be "The Nothing," of Neverending Story fame. That's the only thing I can think of that tea AND cocoa cannot combat.
     
    This day sucks. Can I have a new one tomorrow?
  8. smallvoice

    Computer woes

    By smallvoice,

    As some of you know, my husband's hard drive died. He got a new one as his old one was under warranty... and after about six hours of working just fine (with all the updates and formatting) the computer shut off like it'd been doing before. He thinks this is indicative of an issue with overheating, but WHAT is overheating? Or it could be the power supply. If he tries to turn it back on, it goes into this loop of the boot screen, then loading windows, then a flash of blue and then wash, rinse, repeat. Add that to the fact that we're on an excruciatingly tight budget this month, and he is going to have to slog along with his old one- which is unstable as it is. So, yeah. This has attached to my depression in a big way. Fun stuff.
  9. smallvoice

    On being sick

    By smallvoice,

    For the sake of keeping track, I've read Twilight thus far in 2008.
    60lbs-4lbs=56lbs to go!
     
    Anyway. I think being sick is good for my diet. I don't know that I've ever been this sick without also being depressed and had utterly no appetite. My husband has resorted to trying to retrieve me all manner of sweet things to try and get me to eat, but nothing tastes good, and I have no inclination toward any of it. I've lost 4 lbs since my last weigh in, which I've noted above. I think I may have lost most of it in the last four or five days. But the not eating thing probably explains the no energy thing.
     
    Hopefully tomorrow will arrive and I'll be doing much better. If nothing else, I'll be able to go to school. (I've missed this entire week!)
  10. smallvoice

    Rambly stuff

    By smallvoice,

    So my mom and I are a member of the organization TOPS, which is for weight loss. Since she joined in March of last year, she has lost approximately 130 lbs. There was a regional meet up in October, which my mom attended, because our chapter's leader said she'd entered all our numbers into the contest, and it was likely my mom would gain some recognition. The leader had lied, however, and had not submitted the paperwork. She'd filled it out and brought it with her. Dumbass. But every year, the organization recognizes someone on a national level. Each state crowns a king and/or queen, and then several of them are published in the monthly magazine. Now, the new year is pretty hard to miss. I would think that the paperwork would be well and truly filled out and ready to go by then. No. The woman calls ME to find out if I have my mother's membership information, and crap that she should have already, and I swear that if this woman fucks this up for my mom, I will tell her exactly how I feel about the situation (during a meeting), and then see if anyone else is okay with this turn of events, and then walk out. I'll find another damn chapter to attend. Screw them. And then I'll write a detailed letter to the national organization and hope for the best.
     
    Also, this seemed too petty to start a new topic over, and I'm no longer reading the confessional or the how are you feeling threads. I'm really bummed out about my local used bookstore that I've been going to since they piled everything into one small room. They've expanded, and have recently gotten a lot of new staff members. So I was in there the other day, and I asked one of them about Richelle Mead. I suppose I've been spoiled by the owner, who can cite titles based off a description of a cover, and list authors like woah... and even if she doesn't know, she'll go look herself, and check the computer. Nice things, right? But this woman asked me what genre she was, and I explained that it was paranormal, but it might be paranormal romance and she was like, "Ohhh. Well, I don't really know a lot about that genre, but the name doesn't ring a bell." Chompchompchompthegum. Uh, okay. Thanks for the help. I couldn't find her book anywhere, but that doesn't mean they didn't have it.
     
    That's kinda okay- she might've been really busy with other things or something, but here's what really makes me mad. While I'm looking for Succubus Blues, I overhear her talking to another customer, and she's saying, " ... I don't really read paranormal stuff, but she's really good- I read a little bit of that book and really liked it." That's compelling. So the customer asks if they have it in used, and the woman immediately says, "Oh, no. We NEVER get anything back by her. Everybody loves her." And I'm like, "Bullshit." Seriously. Not aloud, of course. So I walk past the customer and glance over and see that she's looking at a Patricia Briggs book, and I roll my eyes, because my mom is a huuuge fan of that woman and buys the used books all the time. So I take the time to walk the ten feet to the shelf, and sure enough, the book is there, in used. So I go up and ask the customer if she had been looking at Moon Called, and she said she had. So I raise my voice ever so slightly and say, "Well, they've got it in used." So she asks if I'm going to buy it and I'm like, "Nope, please have at it." I get that you might want to be selling new over used, but that shit is only going to piss people off. People like me. The owner, however, will go out of her way to see if they have a used copy of something- I've been at the register, and she's asked me if I want it used and then pulled a used copy for me, because I'll always take used books.
     
    That makes me sad.
  11. smallvoice

    Thursday update

    By smallvoice,

    I'm doing a weekly weigh in, and I'm going to record stuff about it in here.
     
    Loss Today: 4.0lbs
    Loss in August: 7.8
    Cumulative Loss: 11.8lbs
     
    Long term overall goal: 99.6lbs
    Short term overall goal: 35lbs
     
    Updated Long and Short Term goals to address weight lost: 87.8/23.2
  12. smallvoice

    Unsent

    By smallvoice,

    So here are things I've recently figured out about myself:
     
    I don't trust people. Moreso than I originally believed.
    I have issues with my father, but I think those issues are easier for me to resolve, because I've written him off. What's going to be hardest for me is that most of my issues stem from my mother, and I can't bear to think about that. I love my mother, and I know she loves me and did the best she could, but... there's a lot of anger and I don't know how to deal with that.
    I am a freak who cannot find closure in any way over some STUPID boy I met online AGES ago. This is disturbing. I just want to heal, but he hurt me on such a base level that I sort of sealed it off and now I can't get to it. I don't want him; I don't want to be with him, and if he ever showed back up in my life, I'd probably tell him to trust his instincts and get the hell away from me. But first I would tell him all the things that hurt me. Maybe I just want some acknowledgement of what he did. And there's a part of me that hopes he never realized how much it hurt me, because I don't want him to be capable of doing that to anyone.
    I need to take care of myself.
     
    Why is this called unsent? Because I'm going to start writing physical letters to people I can't let go of, and pretend that they've been read and heard, and hopefully that will help.
  13. smallvoice
    Obsessing over trying: TKO, Leo '07, Victoria, Lysander, Schlafende Baigneuse and Crowley.
    Bottles I particularly yearn for: 51, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale, Queen of Sheba, TKO, Bengal, Snowflakes
    Imps I particularly yearn for: Croquet, TKO, Crowley, Tristran, Hermia.
    LE's I'd almost rent out my soul for: Storyville, SN Lime, SN Pomegranate, Fee, Tears, Circe, Noir
    LE's I'd almost always accept another bottle of: Et Lux Fuit, Snowflakes, Boomslang, Punkie Night
    LE's I'd always accept another imp of: Storyville, Beaver Moon, Pink Moon '05, Chaste Moon and the bottle bunch, of course!
    Catalog bottles I absolutely can't be without: Katharina, Whitechapel and Alice.
    BPTP stuff I would sell my soul for: (other than a scent locket, obviously) Bitter Moon tee. Mum Moon tee, too.
     
    Previously in my wishlist, I decided to take it out but to leave it available here. It'll be updated with some frequency as my mood dictates.
     
    I'm also putting some of my wishlist on here that doesn't need to be up there anymore; namely Tarot and such.
     
    Tarot
    The World
    Temperance
    *The Hanged Man
    Justice
    Strength
    *The Hierophant
    *The Sun
    The High Priestess
    The Chariot
     
    The Chakras
     
    Vishuddha
    Manipura
    Sahasrara
     
    TAL
     
    Charisma
    Glamour
     
    *Anthelion
    *Bastet's Laughter
    *Block Buster
    *Euphony
    *Hand of Hermes
    *Hymn to Pan
    *Radiance of Ra
    **Road Opener
     
    Brass Balls
    Foundation of Fortune
    King Solomon's
    Millk and Honey
    *Perpetuum Bonum
     
    White Light
     
    Catalyst
    Clarity
    **Concentration
    **Crucible of Courage
    *Determination
    **Healing
    *Mnemosyne
    Ouroboros
    Wolf's Heart
     
    I don't want any TAL that I could mistakenly cause negative effects. I'm not a magical practitioner, but I do have faith that focusing energy really does make a difference. (That's just my little disclaimer about TAL oils.)
  14. smallvoice

    Update

    By smallvoice,

    Me= -6lbs
     
    Birthday= ipod knockoff, WoW boardgame (...I don't know), book store gift certificate, a bptp scent locket (!), Singing Moon tee and possibly an Arkham tee... and a membership to a local gym. Henceforth it'll be about $75 a month for both of us, but it's an important investment. (I'm way more excited than I sound, seriously. This is a really spectacular birthday for me.) This year's scent: Morocco, completely by chance. It was just on my desk, and a lovely surprise- the notes shouldn't be pretty on me.
     
    Switch Witchery= The universe hated me (or my switchee) this round. My witch is wonderful, as per usual. Really delightful tea and I ADORE the loose tea filter. It's awesomeness.
     
    Life= Joined a weight loss support type group; TOPS. Personal weigh-ins weekly sans humiliation. You say if you've gained or lost and how much and people applaud or encourage as necessary. Then there's other stuff. It's a bunch of little old ladies with silver hair and good stories. Baby shower for a friend in about an hour.
     
    Out.
  15. smallvoice

    Top Favourites

    By smallvoice,

    Quick post- more to come
     
    51
    Alice
    Arkham
    Bengal
    Black Opal
    Dorian
    Jailbait
    Katharina
    The Lion
    Mouse's Long and Sad Tale
    Persephone
    Queen of Sheba
    Whitechapel
     
    LE:
     
    Asp Viper
    Beaver Moon
    Boomslang
    Et Lux Fuit
    Green Tree Viper
    Hungry Ghost Moon
    Lotus Moon
    Pink Moon '05
    Punkie Night
    Snow-Flakes
  16. smallvoice

    Kushiel's Dart

    By smallvoice,

    So, I'm about 5 pages in to Kushiel's Chosen, but I am tempted to re-read Kushiel's Dart, just because there was SO MUCH to follow that, even with the chart at the beginning, it was difficult to keep track of everyone. I'm going to spoiler tag the rest of this entry, because I hate having plots ruined, and I plan on divulging some plot points. Pretty major ones, in fact. However, before I do that, I want to say that I was enchanted by this world and it should not be categorized with romance novels. It is so much more!
     
     
    On the subject of Kushiel's Chosen,
     
     
    Ugh. It's been a long day, and I don't really know what else to say about this... I had a ton of stuff in my head about it after I finished, but I don't have the energy now.
  17. smallvoice

    Restless

    By smallvoice,

    After much angst and self-doubt, I dropped precalculus... and I know I could've done it. Maybe that's all I needed, though.
     
    I still feel disappointed in myself.
     
    The former housemate who owes us massive amounts of money just told us that he bought himself a nintendo DS. The hell? That's not the only thing he's bought himself, either. And I know he has a right to do nice things for himself, but it pisses me off that he's letting repaying us slide. Or maybe he's not. Maybe it just seems like it's been a while since he sent anything. He was also a dumbass in a self-destructive mode and went to see this crazy bitch that he swears he's over, but then he's still in love with her, and whatever whatever whatever. Boo-frickin-hoo. I sound insensitive, but it's just ridiculous. He knows better. He needs to focus on himself if he's going to get well anytime soon, and doing shit like that -really- doesn't help. I just keep HOPING that he will get it together, and when he gets self destructive, I get pissed.
     
    Anyway. School. I needed one of my books to arrive in the mail today, and it didn't, and I'm sort of freaked out now. I am in love with linguistics and have found myself fully engrossed in the textbook at times. BUT. It doesn't count as a humanities credit?? Uh, the hell? It's just an elective credit, which I certainly don't need. It is listed as a humanities credit in the catalog, and if I'm not mistaken, they're sort of required to honor that, so I'm going to have a visit with an advisor and mention that. Why would linguistics not count for humanities? That's just insane. Then again, my college also wouldn't count Lord of the Rings as a lit credit. But, whatever. Because I'm so not getting rid of this course. They'd have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. Or something like that. We've spent the first week of Biology covering the chemistry used in biology. I like her well enough. She's married to my favourite instructor, and it's interesting to see her style as well. My lab instructor, though... heh. Is he even old enough to cross the street by himself? Somebody in the class was like, "Should we call you Mr. So-and-so?" I about choked. There's no way I could address that kid that way- to my great relief, he begged us not to. He's nice, but he seriously doesn't look old enough to be out of high school. (I may be exaggerating. I told my husband he was 12, so I am getting a little better.) Anyway, so I think I'll like finally having a lab, but it is on friday, which means I'm driving out there 5 days a week... much, much more gasoline.
     
    Huh. This is a pretty long entry. I'm just really restless. And... I am a bit forlorn with a turn in Kushiel's Dart about 250 pages from the end. For some reason, I just didn't see that coming. I know at some point I said that her writing was a bit pretentious, but I think it's because I had been reading things like Dresden Files and Women of the Otherworld and Weather Wardens. It's just a different genre and a different style of writing. I'm actually quite enthralled by her, and I had to get the second book, as well as the first book of her new series. (I finally nabbed a bunch of used books and made a run to the bookstore. I love that- we came out with 10 books and it worked out to less than one dollar each.)
     
    Okay. I'm going to end this now. I'm so freaking thirsty. Merfolk should not be thirsty.
  18. smallvoice

    First day back

    By smallvoice,

    I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that there was no drama today, save me losing my schedule and finding it shortly thereafter. I'm kind of afraid. I sort of like all of my classes and feel comfortable- they're not necessarily going to be particularly "fun", but that's okay.
     
    I tentatively like my instructors. I think I may keep this schedule. Yeah, that's all.
  19. smallvoice
    Tiiiiired. Some of you may know why. I'll explain more later.
     
    Anyway. So, I stumbled to my computer this am, and was like, "OMG, somebody hacked my account and added this garish skin and how do I get my f@#%$ing Alice back and I will DIE IF I DO NOT REMEMBER HOW TO CHANGE THE BLOODY SKIN!!" Uh. Right. So, happy April Fool's Day- I've definitely been fooled.
     
    School starts tomorrow, and as of today, I'm keeping precalculus. You all know how that can change in an instant, though! I've got linguistics, then a break for an hour, then cell biology and then precalc. I'm actually quite looking forward to it, to be honest. (Too tired to panic. Y'all know I must be all kinds of tired. Hee.)
  20. smallvoice

    Quickie

    By smallvoice,

    I am still undecided. I want this quarter to be a really good one! I don't want to regret not taking precalc. Um. That's about it. Hope you're all doing well!
  22. smallvoice
    Grades will be posted on tuesday, so I'll know for sure that I passed. My husband is being ever supportive, but I'm freaking out. Dude. I am almost positive that I only did 5 of 6 essay questions on my LotR final. (We get to choose 6 of 8 topics, and I'm thinking I split early without realizing it.) So if I did that, who's to say I didn't choke on my math final? Blarg.
     
    Hope you're all doing well, lovelies.
     
    Eee, school starts a week from tomorrow. AND THE SCHOOL STILL HASN'T POSTED THE BOOK LIST!!! What the hell is up with that?? Okay, off to snuggle with the boy.
  23. smallvoice
    I'm going to do the precalc sequence and then statistics. I hate not having calculus done, but I don't see the point in only partially doing it. Plus, it'll allow me to take other classes I want next winter and spring.
  24. smallvoice

    Anxiety

    By smallvoice,

    Math. Why am I taking precalculus? I have this image of myself and I won't be "smart" if I can't do math, if I don't have a degree, if I'm not good enough. I don't want to drop it, but I don't want to be taking it for no reason at all. Or for no good reason. I mean, is it healthy to take it so I can prove to myself that I am capable of understanding higher math? I feel like I may've really screwed up. Even if I took the second half of precalc this summer, I still wouldn't get the full sequence of calculus unless a. I don't get into the program or b. I sneak in the last one in tandem with the radiology tech program. Neither of those seem like good options. OMG. Somebody tell me to calm the hell down.
  25. smallvoice

    Maths

    By smallvoice,

    Sooo... now that I'm all registered for the maths next quarter- precalculus, to be exact- I'm starting to feel anxious about passing the final.
     
    I've done fine in the class and I've had reasonably few problems grasping the concepts, but if I choke on the final... well, I can't get higher than a 1.7, even if I had a 4.0 going into it.
     
    I know I'll pass. I know I'll pass. I need to pass.
     
    Oh, and just in case you're lurking, Indi- I dropped History of the Modern Middle East, not linguistics. I need my fun class, and while I'd prefer archaeology, linguistics works out pretty well anyway.
     
    Now I'm obsessing over how to work my schedule from here on out. I have 4 more quarters (counting Spring) before I can start the radiology program, though I have to be accepted first. Classes I have to take: A&P 1 and 2, Statistics. Possibly one other thing. Classes I want to take: Precalc 1 and 2, Calculus 1-4, English 201, Intro to Genetics, Archaeology, Physical Anthropology. A lot of classes to fit into three quarters, since I'm already registered for spring.
     
    Fall: A&P 1, Precalc 2, English 201 or Genetics
    Winter: A&P 2, Calc 1, Statistics
    Spring: Calc 2, English 201, archaeology
     
    ....yeah. I didn't really think that one through all the way. I just really want to learn this. Why didn't I tackle math sooner? And why is calculus a 4 course sequence?
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