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BPAL Madness!
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Bummed

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darkitysnark

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First the semi-tragic ordeal of the Kim family, and now the climbers on Mt. Hood.

 

This has not been a good season for hope.

 

Snarky finally hit her bummed out wall yesterday early afternoon. She and The Mister had been fairly functioning up until then, completing last minute holiday preparations for their trip Back East, s-l-o-w-l-y cleaning up ChezSnark for the impending white glove inspection from DarkityMa, generally acting as if life was going on without a hitch.

 

Then yesterday afternoon Snarky fell hard into a funk and didn't really recover until late in the evening. She just could no longer pretend that Everything Was OK.

 

She's fine now, but this morning The Mister, as he prepared for work, came into the bedroom (in which Snarky was determinedly NOT preparing to work out before work, but rather trying to discover just how much of her could be covered up before suffocation would become an issue) and started to hyperventilate and repeat over and over "I can't go in, I just can't go in, I can't go in there, I just can't go in....".

 

She took some time off of work to make him some pancakes and get him in bed and talk to him. Assure him that it would be OK eventually, that they were on their way to finding a better path.

 

And Snarky does believe this, firmly and with a steely resolve she doesn't normally feel for anything in her life (except for the Big Stuff). But she just wishes she could make The Mister believe it as thoroughly as she does right now too.

 

In the meantime, she continues to do little things for him. Tell him how proud she is of him, all the things she hopes will help him to regain some of what he was before all this stress wore him down.

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I was at the gym watching TV on Sunday when the live coverage of the mountain was showing the rescuers looking for what they thought would be three people in a snow cave. Being a flatlander, I am so awed by mountains. It's like they're another life form, like an above-water Cthulhu. When I finished working out, nothing had been discovered, so after I ran some post-workout errands and got home to hear no one was in the cave, and then they'd found someone not alive in another, it was really disheartening. My brother used to live in Jackson, Wyoming and the summer that I lived out there, I used to hang around a mountaineering store, just to look at the gear and peruse the books. (I am very, very fascinated by it, but it utterly scares the crap out of me.) I hoped that there was a certain peace to dying on a mountain, for climbers consider time on the mountaintop to be an ultimate experience of sorts. But I think the sense of powerlessness that it gives the living, to realize that the force of nature is so awesome, and to not even be able to find the others, is what's really sobering beyond words.

 

Is Mister in fact quitting his job? Very soon? I'm sorry it's so horrible for him, and thus, for you. :blush:

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Is Mister in fact quitting his job? Very soon? I'm sorry it's so horrible for him, and thus, for you. :blush:

 

The Mister gave his notice last week. This is For Real this time. He did make it through roughly half a day of working. The replacement they brought in for him (when The Mister was moving back into the Project Management position) has more experience in this particular field and is apparently very bright, so at least The Mister won't have to worry about leaving his former department in the lurch.

 

Though he confessed to Snarky today that that has not been a concern for him.

 

In his own words: "It's like a switch has gone off inside my head and suddenly [soon-to-be-former-office] is the source for all my anxiety. I don't think you realize how hard this [returning to his office for the afternoon] is for me right now. Just physically going over there." :hug: He's right. Snarky doesn't understand this level of panic. But she does know The Mister is in pain. So she's here for him. Trying to give him the space he needs to take deep breaths but also be close enough should he need a hand to squeeze or a shoulder to lean on.

 

----

 

Referring back to Valentina's earlier statements: Snarky has sort of gotten used to being so close to so many treacherous giants. But every time they drive inland, the fact that the mountains don't seem to change at all on the horizon for so long and then wha-BAM are so humongous and landscape consuming is really quite impressive. Snarky grew up in the midwest (Iowa) and is in awe of rugged landscape and large bodies of water. The Oregon coast always takes her breath away (sometimes literally).

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