There are times when my shows at the Cafe are busy, productive, and profitable.

Today has not been one of those times.

So, I'm going to listen to Poison on the jukebox (somebody's got a fun sense of music tonight; from "Another Brick in the Wall" to this), and document some of the questions I get asked, and what I sometimes wish I could say in return. Just for the hell of it.

Question: "What have you got here?"

What I say: "Handmade jewelry."

What I'd like to say: "Papayas, fishing tackle, and old socks. Oh, and the gnomes that I'm babysitting. Watch your ankles; they bite."

Question: "Do you make all of this yourself?"

What I say: "Yes, I do."

What I'd like to say: "No, I'm just carrying it for a friend. You know, like 9 1/2 months pregnant women who get asked if they're going to have a baby."

Question: "Is this stuff real?"

What I say: "Do you mean precious metal and gemstones? Yes, it is."

What I'd like to say: "No, it's all created by a prototype hologenerator. Like Star Trek. Either that, or you're having a very strange hallucination. Let me know if Hunter S. shows up, okay?"

Question: "Why are you here?"

What I say: "Because I've known the owner of the Cafe for years now, and it's a convenient place to set up."

What I'd like to say: "Because it's my turn to babysit the gnomes, and do you know how much amusement park tickets cost these days?"

Question: "Do you do tattoos?"

What I say: "No, I don't."

What I'd like to say: "Well, I've got a planishing hammer, a pearl reamer, and a Sharpie. Hold still..."

Question: "Don't you have any guy's jewelry?"

What I say: "Many of my designs are made to be unisex; it's just a matter of finding something that you like in the right size. And several of the antique reproduction rings are men's rings."

What I'd like to say: "Giant snarling wolves, skulls with Viking helmets, and demons, right? Bar-fight rings, in other words. There are lots of large-scale manufacturers doing that with varying degrees of success; what part of original design and antique reproduction did you misunderstand?"

Question: "Can you make me something in brass, with like, rivets 'n stuff?, 'Cause it'd be, like, industrial and kewl."

What I say: "I only work in precious metals; otherwise, I'd have to buy a whole new set of tools to avoid cross-contamination."

What I'd like to say: "And you wouldn't want to pay for the labor anyway."

Question: "Your prices aren't exactly competitive. Can't people go to (insert name of import store) and find exactly the same thing? "

What I say: ::launches into Canned Explanation of cost of silver, cost of labor, use of genuine stones, the fact that much of the silver jewelry comes from countries that don't enforce standards of metal purity, and many pieces are outright counterfeits; that I purchase raw materials directly from refineries and manufacturers in countries that enforce karat standards and do all of the work myself -- so, "no":: *

What I'd like to say: "Someone's stepping on my copyrights? Sweet! Filing a lawsuit is a lot less work than busting my hump over the workbench, and usually more profitable."

*(this usually results in a blank look and a response of "uh, no, I guess they can't, then...")

Question: "Don't you have anything more Dark and Gothick?" (pretentious spelling and capitalization added deliberately)

What I say: *points to various bats and replicas of jewelry originally owned by people who are now quite thoroughly dead*

What I'd like to say: "It costs extra to make the earrings recite Poe. Double for Bram Stoker. However, the originals that the replicas are made from are haunted, if that helps."

If there was one thing I learned from Jim, my Old Goat, it's that a sense of humor is a valuable addition to an independent jeweler's skill set.

(Note to whoever's running the jukebox tonight: this cover of "Marianne" is disturbing. Instead of Andrew Eldritch's basso drone, it has calypso guitar and breathy-voiced girl channeling every French chanteuse who's ever lived. The effect is discordantly perky. Isn't she paying any attention to the lyrics?)