I fear that I'm not a good person. I don't have very many friends, and those I do have seem to be pulling away from me.
I'm not sure why I have such a hard time making and keeping friends. My whole history of friendships show how people end up not liking me as a friend, and then dumping me.
I just want a couple of good friends that I can call and talk to, or hang out with. I have my husband, and he's great (and I do wonder sometimes how he can stand me), but I only see him on the weekends.
I had really wanted to go to the meet & sniff in SC this weekend, and now it appears that no-one is going. I was really looking forward to it, and now all I have to look forward to is a weekend of lots and lots of cleaning.
I'm sad and I'm lonely, and I'm super stressed out over work and the wedding, and now that my in-laws are coming to visit, I'm stressed about that.
This was meant to be a LJ entry, but LJ is being stupid
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Valentine's has never been important to me at all, so today was just another day.
I did make the mistake of getting up and saying hi to Todd when he got home. I was awake, and I missed him. Of course 'hi' turned into talking for about a 1/2 hour, and when I got back to bed, I couldn't get to sleep, and mostly just tossed and turned the rest of the night.
So, I was very sleepy when I dragged myself out of bed this morning, especially since I dragged myself out of bed a 1/2 early so I could get to work early and leave work early (I had to go to the PO which annoying closes the same time I usually get out of work).
Work was fine, though busy. I went to Sonic for the very first time for lunch, and that was pretty good.
I get home (after the PO of course) and I have a white (maybe yellow, I can't tell) rose waiting for me. I thought this was very sweet since I told Todd about a month ago not to get me anything.
I've been cleaning and trying to deal with the flea situation after I got out of work, and now it's nearly time to go to choir.
Since we bought our house in February, I've been itching to have a party. Since Todd's parents are coming up for the 4th, we are hosting our first party, a 4th of July BBQ.
It will be mostly Todd's familly and friends, though it does sound like a couple we are both friends with are probably going to be able to come.
I'm excited, but I'm sad at the same time - going back to my very whiny comment that I wish I had more friends.
I'm not really sure how to make friends anymore. I tried and organized an Asheville meet & sniff, and it was fun, but it didn't lead anywhere in the friendship department.
I'm not sure where someone goes to meet people in their late twenties / early thirties who like some of the same things I do. I'd love to find another gaming group, but I'm not sure where to find those either (I have looked in every comic shop I go into to see if there is anyone looking for gamers to join a game).
I'm at a loss, and I'm sad about it... mostly because the two friends I have in this town (not counting Todd) seem to be distanting themselves from me (of course, this could be my paranoia when it comes to friends).
This is reason I have issues with friends - in my life I've lost (driven away?) two groups of friends.
I'm shy, though less than I used to be. I was painfully shy in my childhood, and so I didn't have a real friend until I was in the 6th grade. Her name was Heather and we were 'best friends' for the middle school years. We even shared a locker throughout high school.
In high school, I began to discover who I am - the weird, geeky girl I am today. And Heather was more interested in being mainstream, a follower. Plus she could only have one good friend at a time. We had a group of friends, and in my senior year of high school, I began to realize how these people were ditching me, and not really my friends.
They'd talk about trips they were going on, right in front of me, but I was never invited. If I wanted to do anything with them, I'd have to be the one to ask, and plan out the details - that got old really fast. I wasn't invested that emotionally with these people, so I decided one day that I didn't need them, and I'd find good friends in college.
And I did - at least I thought I did. I met Sara freshman year in German class, and we became best friends quickly. We had other friends too, and a group formed that there were about 6 or 7 of us by the time we all graduated from college.
I tried really hard to keep in touch, but as time went on they were less and less interested in keeping in touch with me, to the point that I was doing all the work. Unfortunely, I was very much emotionally invested in these people. I loved them like family, and I would have done anything for any of them.
Unfortunely, they all decided (on their own, or as a group - I'm not sure) they didn't want to be my friend, which ended up them all ditching me on my birthday (Birthdays are big deals for me, especially since my mom died - and they knew this).
This started a very hard time for me, because I ended up getting told that I was a horrible person (via livejournal no less), and it was really hard. I knew they weren't good friends, and that I was better off with out them. But it was like losing my entire family - I really did love them.
So, about 6 months after this happened, we moved to NC, and make 2 friends right away. It was nice, but I couldn't seem to make any more friends.
I'm not as whiney and depressing in real life as I am on online (online = venting), so I don't know what the problem is.
I began to think that whatever drove both sets of friends away must be me... but I don't know why I'm so undesirable as a friend.
Anyway, I've rambled enough - if you read this, and have any ideas why I see to be an anti-friend magnet, please let me know.
I'm flying to Michigan tomorrow... and I'm really getting nervous about it.
The last time I fly was May 2000 when we took our last family vacation to Arizona, so it was before 9/11.
And this is the first time I will be flying by myself.
I'm an adult, and such, but being by myself and flying is starting to freak me out.
I'm afraid that I won't find my gate, I'm afraid I'll miss my flight when I have my layover, and I'm afraid no-one will be there to meet me.
I hope it turns out better than I'm thinking!
I have a disease called 'Daily Chronic Headaches' - the short explanation is that I've had the same headache since August 2003.
I think my ordeal since August 2003 started with a trip to Michigan's Adventure. It's an amusement park in Muskegon, MI, that has a water park and a regular amusement park (their slogan is 2 parks for the price of one).
My best friend at the time and I went there on a very hot August Saturday, and spent nearly all day in the water park.
It was fun, but I'm positive that it lead to an ear infection.
I started feeling sick not long after this, and I went to the doctor several times, only to be told it's a virus (aka they have no clue what's wrong).
I was sick for a month, and so sick that it got to the point that I had to go to the hospital and miss a week's worth of work. At the hospital, I was told I had strep throat and an ear infection. Because my regular doctor never diagnosed the ear infection, my ear was permently damaged.
This is also when my headaches started. My doctor gave me FMLA for my headaches, otherwise I would have been fired for missing the weeks worth of work. It was good that I did get it, because I ended up using nearly all of it up.
The next 9 months, I spent in and out of the hospital with the headaches. My regular doctor put me on every known headache / migraine medicine he knew of, and none of them worked.
I went to a neurologist (he thought I was crazy), and other specialists - no-one could help me and my life was falling apart.
One of my co-workers convinced me to try chiropractic, and it ended up being a Godsend to me. I could return to some degree of normalcy.
Even though, I don't miss work anymore, and I don't usually miss social things, and the fact that I don't look sick, doesn't change the fact that I'm in constant pain.
I have to watch what I eat, how active I am, make sure I get extra sleep, and I still have my bad days.
Today is a bad day - thunderstorms are moving into the area, which always sets off my headaches, and getting upset yesterday didn't help.
So, I'm trying to make it through work, and then I'll go home and go to bed.
I've been a Christian since I was born. My dad was Lutheran from birth, and my mom basically converted from Lutheran in name to Lutheran in practice.
I believe in the Christian God, and have had those 'whoa, he's touching my soul' moments.
But, I have some beliefs that rather go against some ideals that some Christians have.
I know there are ghosts, and I believe in magic and the possibilty of other gods and goddesses (I've never had a 'whoa' moment with any other deity, but I'm not discounting their existance) - if I ever get some time to devote to it, I'd love to be able to research / learn more about some pagan paths. And I really, really want to learn how to read tarot cards.
My mom looked at my horoscope when I was born, and it said something to the effect I would be very religious. She always took that to be Christian religious, which I have been for the most part. Heck, I seriously toyed with the idea of becoming a Pastor when I was in college.
But I have to wonder sometimes if that meant something beyond the Christian religion.
Since my brain is completely tuned to everything weddings, I thought I would post some pictures of the stuff for my upcoming wedding.
Our engagement picture
Pictures of my dress!
My cake topper
My University of Michigan garter
My guest book
The label I made to put on our bubbles
My invitations
This is what my flowers will look like
The start of my centerpieces
My favors
I promise I will update my wishlist by the weekend, I promise!
I have super dry skin, so I always need lotion. I also love candles and tarts (I'd love some more Dark Candles and some more Fat Cats tarts). Foody / Fruity scents work the best.
I love villianess soaps, but am always willing to try out new bath products.
I love writing, and do sometimes at work when things get slow/boring. I usually keep a small blank notebook in my purse for this purpose. I can always use more small blank notebooks because I fill mine up really fast.
I think that's all for now!
I have a lot of pictures, and I've been thinking lately that I really should scan them into my computer, and make several cd's, so as to have them in case something happens.
The only problem that it's a bit hard to look at some of these pictures, and it brings up some unpleasant feelings.
Firstly, even though she's been dead for over 4 years, I have a hard time looking at pictures of my mom. When I do, I feel like sobbing, so I just don't look at pictures of her. With the picture project, I would have to look at them
Secondly, I'm not sure what to do with the pictures that have my ex-friends in it. Since I was friends with my ex-best friend for nearly 10 years, I have a lot of pictures with her in it. A lot with my other ex-friends as well. Right after we moved to NC, I was going to send the ex-best friend the pictures, but never got around to it. Now I feel that too much time has passed.
Looking at those pictures bring back everything that went down, and it makes me sad and angry at the same time. I won't scan those in, but I don't really feel right throwing them away either.
This has been on my mind, which was evident by my dreams like night, which one featured my mom, and the other featured my ex friends.
I think I'm becoming a Bridezilla
I keep having wedding related breakdowns, and I just want it to stop!
I snapped at Todd last night, and freaked out when he said that he oops'ed and didn't put a stamp on one of the response cards (I thought he had said 'some').
I really stressed out... there isn't enough time to relax or veg, and since my in-laws are coming to visit over the 4th, I won't have any days off until Labor Day.
I had been looking forward to the 4th, but now I'm not. Originally I had hoped to do all the invitations during the two days we have off, but now I have to be the hostess with the mostess for my in-laws.
It makes me tired and crabby just thinking about it.
I haven't slept well for a week or so now, so I'm nodding off at my desk (boring spreadsheet assignments doesn't help this at all!).
Plus, since I'm still feeling pretty sad, that makes me feel even sleepy-er.
I am amused by the new BPAL fanfic, though I think the first one is still the best. It was so funny! I hope this new one is fun though.
I hope my Lotus Moon order gets here soon... I could use some smellies to cheer me up.
I was never popular in school - I was too geeky, shy and quiet to be popular. Most of the time I was okay with that, but sometimes I longed to be noticed.
I'm not liked at work because I don't smoke. Nearly all my co-workers smoke, and take smoke breaks together. I try to engage them in conversation, but they don't really seem all that interested because they are at totally different phases of their life.
I don't have a lot of friends, and the several attempts I've made to make new friends since moving to NC have failed for reasons that are unknown to me.
I miss when I did have a group of friends - my last year of college was the only time I've felt vaguely popular. I was in a larp group on campus, and was friends with most of the people who played. The group was very large (nearly 40 people at one point) and I felt liked and wanted.
Now my wedding is less than a month away, and I'm keenly aware that I have no friends coming. My sister has more friends attending my wedding than I do.
I feel sad because I wish I had someone to go shopping with and do girly type things, but more often than not when I reach out to someone to be their friend they just don't seem interested.
I know I tend focus on the bad stuff sometimes, so I thought I'd list some good stuff that has happened in the last day or so.
- Mailed out 99% of the wedding invitations last night! The remaining 5 or so, are Todd's friends, and it's up to him to get the addresses. I wanted the rest to go out now, so people have a chance of having their wedding invitation before the shower.
- Had an awesome time at game last night. We had a very long game session yesterday, and it was one of the most fun games I've played. I'm really interested to see where it goes.
- My friend, Carly, is coming to my shower!! I'm so excited!
- Getting a manicure this coming Friday - since my plane is arriving in Saginaw at noon, we are going to have a bunch of time to kill before my bach. party, so my aunt and I will be going to the mall to get manicures
That's pretty much it for now.. I'm going to try and relax tonight -I'm going to get me some Panera Bread (French Onion soup is my sicky comfort food) and watch some 7th Heaven and Live Action Sailor Moon.
I wonder why I don't have any friends and no-one seems to like me?
Truthfully, I whine a lot more online than I do in real life, but I still seem to not be able to attract any friends at all.
If something happens to Todd, I'd have no-one, since my family doesn't really care either. I'm sure if I didn't make an effort to stay in touch, they'd never call me.
My cousin is even ditching me the weekend of my shower to go to a Tigers game, which really makes me sad. I'm not going to be able to come back to Michigan very often, and she decides that she would rather go watch a baseball game in Detroit than hang out with me. I know now why my bach. party was moved from Saturday night to Friday night.
Sorry, I'm just feeling very sick today, which makes me sad and depressed.
I've been really sad this week... overwhemling so.
Wedding planning is hard, especially since my mom is gone, and I don't really have any help in NC. Todd helps when he can, but it's at the stage that he isn't interested in - making favors, getting the invitations ready, and such.
I was looking forward to having the couple days off over the 4th to get some of this wedding stuff done, and now I'm dreading the 4th because my in-laws are coming to visit.
I'm afraid I'll be kicked out of my own bedroom (my in-laws helped us move, and took over our bedroom. The first week of our marriage we couldn't even sleep together!) - I don't sleep well to begin with, but I really don't want to have to sleep on a blow up bed, then have to go to work for 10 + hours, then have to come home to 'entertain'. The very thought makes me want to cry.
I'm really sad that the SC meet and sniff isn't going to happen. I know I shouldn't have gone anyway because of the money, and because of the messy house, but I probably would have gone. I had been looking forward to it for quite a while now
And again, I wish I had friends - girl friends, mostly. I don't have anyone really to blather on about wedding stuff, to come to my fittings with me, to help me with invitations, to watch girly movies, and talk about things only girls can understand.
I miss having a best girl friend... and I even miss the best girl friend I had in college (though she become quite a crappy friend the last couple years of our friendship).
Life is hard... and I really try to keep upbeat (I know, it's hard to tell from my posts), but with feeling sick all the time (my lovely headaches insure that I'm in pain, all day every day) and being so lonely, it's hard to keep happy.
My inlaws are driving me insane. I like them and all, but I hope they don't come back to visit for a long, long, long time.
My mother in law tends to be really, really, really judgemental, and tries taking over things. She basically took over the bbq yesterday. She also took the wallpaper off in our bedroom (which I should add, I did quite a bit of myself), and primer-ed and painted that wall. Well, splaking (I have no idea how to spell that this morning) took place because there was a bunch of holes in the wall, and yesterday she tried to vacum up the splakle (sp?).
Well, the vacum started to smoke, and she decided that it wasn't because she vacumed up the splakle, but because we hadn't changed the bag on it.
We have hard wood floors, and only really use one room with carpet, so we don't need to vacum that often. But she proceded to bitch about it the rest of the evening (she also vacummed our hard wood floors, which pissed Todd off to the point that he unplugged the vacum)
Plus their idea of cleaning is driving me nuts too. This includes Todd's grandmother too. I had to move stuff around in the kitchen because they put it away wrong (which isn't that big of a deal, but I'm wearing thin on patience because of tiredness). And what took the cake was this morning, at 6:30 am, I was in the bathroom getting ready for work. I went to comb my hair, and my comb was no where to be found.
I keep a comb in the shower, for combing my hair out in the shower, and that's where both my combs were! Why in the world would I need two combs in the shower? It really irritated me.
Plus, because of them being here, I haven't slept well since Sunday, so I'm exhausted. This is honestly the last thing I needed right now. What I need is a break, but instead I got a long weekend of being irritated and exhausted.
Yesterday wasn't all bad. Our friends, Alice and Josh came over for the bbq, and I'm soooo glad that they did. We talked and watched tv, until it was time to eat, then we ate. Afterwards, we played quite a few games of 'Apples to Apples', then attempted to play Trival Pursuit - the 90's edition, but ran out of time.
We headed over to Alice and Josh's place around 9, because we were going to watch the Lake Julian fireworks. But it started downpouring, thundering and lightening while we were driving over there, so Todd & I decided that we would just go home (after we went to their house and told them) because even if it stopped storming in time to have the fireworks, the ground would still probably be wet, and it wouldn't be that fun.
I was pretty bummed out though, I was looking forward to seeing the fireworks.
My inlaws are suppose to be leaving by 4 today, and I hope to God they are gone by the time I get home from work.
Today would have been my mom's 55th birthday if she was alive, and it's Todd's 31st birthday, so I feel a bit conflicted.
I find a bit creepy that my mom and my husband have the same birthday. Mostly because he never met her, and we didn't start dating until after she died.
Birthdays are a big deal to me, so I try and make the people I love's birthday a little special. This weekend, I took Todd out to eat and to the movies. He doesn't really like birthdays, so that's about all the fuss he'll let me make
Today I'm taking him out to lunch, and finishing his cake (I was too tired to frost it last night).
The forum is messed up for me and a handful of other people. It's a real chore to try and read anything on the forums, since I have to wade through error screens, and having the forum jump back to the main page.
Because of this, I haven't been around the forums as much as I usually would be, and I'm feeling disconnected from the entire bpal fandom which makes rather sad
I've been missing my mom an awful lot as of late too, which makes me feel sad as well. I think the stress of the wedding, and the fact that it is only 5 months away, is wearing on me.
Todd and I are friends with another married couple, A & J. They are pretty much my only friends thus far in Asheville. We get along with them rather well, and every Sunday night we go to their house to role play.
When we started last fall, J was the storyteller. Well, a couple of months ago, A started to run a game. She hadn't really run a campaign before, so we all have tried to cut her some slack.
Except J gets pissed at something she does nearly every week she runs. They get into a fight nearly every week.
Yesterday, A was busy with my character, because my character ran away from the rest of the group. Well, J was pissed that A didn't ask what he was doing, even though he could have easier said "I'm doing this and this" which is what Todd and I would have done if the scene at the time wasn't focused on our characters.
So, J pouted and picked up his gameboy. And then A posted in her lj that she felt like she was the most horrible storyteller ever, because she did badly.
Their dramamongering makes me feel like rolling my eyes. They need to realize that it's just a game. Unfortunely, they take these games really seriously!
I really need to find some more friends in Asheville, or maybe another game to play in.
Or at the very least, a lazy one.
I used to keep records of who got who in each swap... but the last few ones, I've gotten lazy.
Mostly because my free time is pretty limited, so I quickly try and get everyone's assignments out quick as possible... and sometimes I do that at work.
From now on, I'll have to keep that information...
I feel badly about not having it for the several swaps in motion right now. Thank goodness I don't really have any swaps between now and the wedding (though I'll probably start the Halloween card signups before I leave for the wedding).
Since my own wedding is 3 months away, my thoughts are pretty much focused on the wedding, and how much crap I still have to do for it.
When I couldn't get to sleep last night, I flipped on the tv, and found the show 'Bridezillas' on which I watched for about 20 minutes.
One of the brides made the comment that 'the wedding is all about the bride, and the groom doesn't matter'.
I'd like to say that it's the first time I've heard that idea, but it's not. I know of several people who felt that way about their own wedding.
Our wedding will be focused not just on me, because honestly it's not just me getting married. It's Todd and I.
Besides, he might get more attention, since he's inviting more people
I did get some wedding stuff done - I got the cloaks for the bridal party ordered yesterday, and I'll get them in a couple of weeks, which is awesome.
This weekend, beyond cleaning, I'm going to get my invitations weighed, so I can buy stamps, so I can start to get those finished.
Todd asked me to be his girlfriend.
And I'm usually good about remembering stuff like that, but I didn't remember until about 5 minutes ago.
This is proof my brain is turning into mush.
First, an update on the grey kitty. Our neighbors are currently renting the house next to us, but are looking for a house to buy. They are currently feeding the grey kitty, and planning on taking it to the vet, and taking it with them when they move.
They don't have any pets, and they are rather nice, so it's for the best, since Todd and I don't have time to introduce a new pet into our house.
We spent nearly the entire weekend cleaning, so our house is as clean as it's ever been, and we are now completely unpacked. Of course, Todd's parents brought him a bunch of crap with them, but he'll have to deal with that.
They also brought our kitchen table, which I'm geeked to have. I have to go to Target today anyway, so I'll get a cool 4th of July table cloth.
I'm at work right now, then hopefully I can finish the wedding invitations today (did a ton yesterday after the cleaning) and kinda relax since I'm rather tired.
Our BBQ is tomorrow, so hopefully that will be fun!
