I feel sick to my stomach. My mind is knawing away at its own devices out of complete frustration with the opposite sex. I have this animal urge to obtain something that is mine and only mine, love if you will. But that alone negates the purpose of being wonderfully entangled with someone, if you want them for you and only you. No such thing exists and to want to obtain that is to desire the domination of a free trandscending body, which I don't want. I don't want to dominate someone and capture them into liking me, I'm just tired of watching romantic comedies about how these two people miraculously fall in love though some random encounter and then live happily blah blah. Good lord, Garden State was such a great movie and I love it, yet at the same time I never want to see it again! I got the soundtrack though, its dank. Anywho, I have some faith left that two people could intersubjectively (philosophically speaking) come together as one and be in love without domination or jealously or without the attempt to control one another. They could just exist as two Daseins in the blanket, under the blanket, cuddled up. Man I'm a cheeseball deluxe, but i don't care.
I am madly infatuated with my Philosophy teacher and its a stupid thing on my part. A) because its distracting, the cute little things he does and the way he talks and his funny sense of humor and amazing taste in music, etc etc. because he is my teacher and teacher/student relations are a big fat no no. C) because I am almost positive he has a kid (barf) and who knows, perhaps he is attached as well.
I know I have control with how nose over tail I can get, but at the same time I feel as though I'm completely helpless to his sexiness permeating and fogging my brain. Argh
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to really get what I want. I mean REALLY. Like to have him approach me one day and ask me on some casual date and then all of sudden push comes to shove and we're doin' the no pants dance in his giant bed. I really wonder what that would be like. I have to heed to the old saying that once you get what you want you never want it again, but hey, who said logic has to apply to a teacher student fling?
Lord help me.
GOD! This chick on ebay sold me the BPAL 5ml of Privilege and after numerous emails to her about payment methods I never got a response. So I emialed her a final time and said, since you have not communicated with me about payment, I can't pay you and I'm guessing I wopn't get the item. She finally emails me today saying she has responded to ALL my emails and starts giving me attitude about the whole thing. What a bitch!!!! I hate people so much! I was totally nice in my emails and very respectful as not to make her angry and have this be a smooth transaction, but NO. she is obviously one of those people who just loves to pick a fight with everyone! how annoying!! I am not leaving her any feedback and if she leaves me some I will leave her negative feedback!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Okay I'm over it. I'm setting it down now and it means nothing to me. Its in the past and I have no control over this person or her actions and I except it.
Now, onto better things!!!
School starts in two days! so stoked to learn again!!
Well PCC financial aid came to my rescue and gave me $7500 for this year instead of the original amount of $3500. I know feel very confident and happy that I'll have a nice financial cushion. I can pay off my credit card and save up for some form of transportation.....maybe a VESPA! who knows. I'm just contented in knowing I've got that coming and although my loans are getting higher in amount I'm going to stay positive that I'll handle it well when I graduate and start my career. Vet Technology may not be a goldmine, but I'll live comfortably enough for one person on what I'm expected to make working in Emergency.
Things are looking up, I really love that. Just when you think you've had enough of all the shit, something comes along as a saving grace.
WHEW
I see that I'm no longer dubbed the embarressing Newbie term of "casual sniffer" I'm now a wrist sniffing wench! haha someday I'll be something like sexy swapper or imp-pulsive. and maybe the power member too! funny things that make one feel speshal.
Well, we put the little man to sleep this morning. I came in and he was same as yesterday, flailing and limp on one side. Nora and I concluded it was some sort of concusion and spinal trauma. Something that couldn't be helped in the case the he was a squirrel and not a regular pet. I asked our Doctor to euthanize him and he obliged. I couldn't bear to just drop him somewhere outside after our manager expressed how uncomfortable she was having him in the clinic. The thought of him helpless to walk and take care of himself, stranded in some remote bush with no food, and eventually dying of starvation was something I couldn't have on my conscience. With one direct plunge of the syringe into his heart and a barely audible squeak he was dead within seconds. instead of inhumanly disposing of him I put him in the freezer with our other passed on pets to be cremated. I was sad for him, I tried as hard I knew to help him and there was just nothing I could do. I hope he won't hold it against me that we put him down, I hope he had some sigh of relief as the Euthasol quickly killed the pain and stopped the heart.
I'm just a soul who's intentions are good, oh lord don't let me be misunderstood.
Driving up the road from the store today, I saw something flailing in the road. At first I thought it wassome random garbage or something blowing around, but when I drove closer I realized it was a squirrel that ha been struck by a car. I stopped the car and hit the emergency lights and ran up to the squirrel. He was in shock and spinning around in circles on his side. I picked him up and tucked him in my jacket and held him still. My mom hurried us over to my vet clinic and I gave him a small dose of our pre-med to calm him and relieve his pain. I palpated him and felt no abnormalities in his spine, legs, ribs, etc. He wasn't bleeding either. I gave him Subcutaneous fluids and took an x-ray of his back. the x-ray was negative to my knowlage, I saw no spinal damage or internal damage. I turned on our echocardiogram machine and took a look aty his heart and organs, everything seemed normal although his heart seem arrhythmatic, this could have been caused by shock. I did all I could and set him up in a comfy kennel with lots of blankets and a hot water bottle to keep him warm. he was pretty lkonked out when I left from the pre-med, but he seems to be somewhat stable now. I'm just sitting at home waiting and fixing some dinner. after we eat we are going to go check up on him at the clinic and see how he's doing. If he passes away at least I'll know I eased any pain he was in, but I'm hoping he'll pull through like a champ and I'll have a great story of survival to tell friends and fam. I hope I did him some good with what I knew to do, I'm no expert so it was just the knowlage I've gathered over a year and a half at the clinic thats all I had to work with. Lets hope it served him well.
Today I felt really good about everyone around me at work. They were all complementing me and telling me how good of a job I was doing today. I really appreciated the kind words, after all everyone has been giving me this feeling like I'm the lowest on the toem pole lately. One of the fellow assistants told my supervisor I was "Working my butt off" and I was flattered that she noticed how hard I was trying to do a good job. My supervisor even talked with me about the other assistant whom took the posistion of part time tech, which upset me, and she explained that she was thinking in terms of the fact that I'm in school and can't work certain days that it would be inconvenient. I felt better after she told me the reasons ans also that it honestly never dawned on anyone to mention it to me because they all thought everyone new we were replacing the old girl. Today has made me feel so much more comfortable with the people I work with and I felt a twinge of nostalgia from the old days when I still felt repsected and I realized that today, I finally got the respect I'd been waiting for and I finally got some justice towards the uncontrolable stresses that have been weighing on my mind. What a wonderful feeling.
