Yesterday I spent some time with Maus. Boy, did she grow! The scheme of childlike characteristics almost disappeared. I did not take her out for 3 weeks (of course I took her out for weighing and cleaning, but not to cuddle her) because I was coughing too bad. I'm still coughing a bit.
3 weeks ago she was a snuggle-pig. She loved it to be caressed. And now? Well ... okay, she still loves to search for the warmest place and is really happy when you built a "tent" with your hands and she can lay inside of it - in fact her eyes are going smaller and smaller when she is there. But if you try to caress her ... she shows that that's not what she want apart from being caressed on the head specially between the eyes. I guess if there wouldn't have been the 3week pause she still would enjoy it ... well perhaps if I can take her out more often again.
But I somehow ignore the others because of her. Lets be frank: The others will enjoy it ...
After my holidays I had an unsettling time.
For one we bought a new guinea pig becauce one of the others died before my holidays. It was the first guinea pig of mine that died and it was a shock ... well ... anyway, the new one - Maus (=mice) - is wonderful but had mite. Had to go to the vet with her. After that I got ill - so my partner. Not so nice, especially if you have a baby pig that you want to cuddle and your not allowed because it could be infected. And because it is a summer-flu it takes really long to go away.
My partner had problems at work rightaway after the holidays, so he es trying to stay calm there and search a new job. Right now it seems that he has got the possibility to get a really nice job!
At my department at work we had to say goodbye to a really nice secretary and after 2 weeks of a vacant office we got a new one. She seems nice, is - I guess 55 years old - and I think I like her - but she will mean lots of works for me ... I mean, yesterday she came in to sak me how to write an email ... öhm ... you know, where to click, what to do.
And then the final decision: Enough with our selfmade bed - it was good but now it is time that we buy what we always wanted: A waterbed. So since Sunday we are sleeping in a waterbed. The wateramount is not quite perfect, but I guess thats only a question of time.
And now the choir-thing - I am somehow tired. Well and of course I want to go home only to sleep in the new bed. It is sooooo wonderful!
In this moment I'm so overwhelmed with my feelings. I'm at work but - as always - listening to music. Instead of listening to the web-radio I listen to a CD I found in my drawer ... Yö - "rakkaus on lumivalkoinen" and I'm so homesick. The music (especially the voice of Olli Lindhom) reminds me of something. Of course of Finland. But there is something else and I can's figure out what it is. It is bitter sweet. It makes me want to weep without feeling bad - just ... is it melancholy? I don't know. It's just a beautiful moment and my heart is full of feelings, pictures and memories of my family there in the land of 1000 lakes and the wish to be there too.
I always loved my bed - sometimes I start to giggle when I go to bed because I'm just so happy about my bed. Then I think "Everybody should have such a bed".
A week ago I decided that it was time for a bed-change. Since my Sweetheart and I moved together we had a self-made bed because he had his mattress and I had mine, his was to hard for me (but we both could fit in it if we have to) and mine was too small for us both and too soft for him. So each of us kept the own mattress and we built a base where they both fit. So we had a really huge bed - but it was not what we wanted. We have been dreaming about a waterbed since we knew each other and last Friday we finally bought one.
And now I even love my bed more than before! It is wonderful even if the fine-tuning is not perfect yet - I'm still thinking that the wateramount is not perfect but I don't know if I need more or less water. We can change the slow-down (or how it might be called in English) ourselfes when we want and I guess I want it with less slow-down.
It is so nice to lie down in this wonderful bed, nothing aches and it is warm ... the only thing I don't like is the venyl-scent but it will go away, I think. And you can counteract it by applying BPAL before goinig to sleep. Unfortunately I forget that very often and then I am too tired to go and get some - I should place an imp beside the bed ... good idea.
Most of the time at work I think about my bed ... and how wonderful it would be to go to slepp right now. Well, it is nice if you are happy about your bed every day - but it makes it very hard to leave it in the morning.
Okay, I am angry now ... the managed to restore a part of my page! With SCC-file (edit: ooooops! CSS, of course!) and all! But they wrote that they are working for a new page that will appear in the end of September. Anyway ... I hope they don't use my css! I know that I won't be able to tell them that they are not allowed to do so, but I'd like to!
Anyway, they could have make an own design for this temporal page! And if it was only white, so what?? But to use my design without asking me is not okay - at least I think so!
They are *put in some terrible words in here*!
Yesterday I wanted to check my mails at gmx (if somebody knows gmx) and there was a newsflash about Kate Middleton, the girlfriend of prince William.
The picture of her was ... well ... terrible. But of course I was curious ...
First glance made me think "No, not a nice person!"
So I asked google and found other pictures of her an the following article:
I was reading it and well ... after a while I realized: Okay, she is pretty - the sort of pretty you can find in every town - but pretty! And on these photos she seems likable.
And then I got it: I'm simply jealous of her! It is that easy. Not that I would like her husband in law or the prospect of been followed by paparazzi everywhere I go, but all the other stuff. How much money she can spend on whatever ... I have to count every cent I'm spending right now! It was sort of luxury that I bought myself a new book!
I almost never go to a hairdresser and manicure is something I don't even know. Besides: Color on my nails won't last it when I'm cooking, washing, cleaning etc. It is something special for me to buy any new piece of cloth ... yes, I am jealous.
She'll have a though life ... being in the interesst of an hole nation - and even more than that (I mean, I'm already interested, right? And I'm not British), being followed by paparazzi, always have to follow certain rules and to look pretty (guess she is not allowed to have such an inflammation as I have - and if she does, she should not be seen by anyone). But on the other hand she will never have to think "Can I really buy myself a new bra? Do I have the money?". One of my dreams is to go to New York once. I am obsessed with this city, specially with the chrysler building, I guess she can simply say "William, lets go there, please!" Okay, then there is the difference: I can go everywhere and no one will recognize me, I can walk through the streets, taking insanly many pictures and enjoy being there while she will have to masquerade herself and be followed by bodyguards. Hm, not what I want.
So the conclusion: Somehow I'm still the little girl that watched the Diana and Charles Movie a hundered times (I'd like to watch it again ... it was all positive and nice, even if we know now that that was not all true) and dreamt to be a princess herself. To wear beautiful clothes and to have enough money to buy all BPALs I want to (and a new bra ) To have a life that seems to be magical ... becoming a princess.
The prince would have to be my own sweetheart ... I'd never want to lose him. And I want to keep my family. And his one, too.
But yes: I want to read more about them ... want to share the dream of being a normal girl and becoming a princess.
I feel so confused right now ... don't know what I want and what would be best for me. I can simply hope that God will guide me and that the way he chosed is the "best" (meaning please easy and comfortable) one. I myself don't want to make this choice - even if I don't know all the facts. Doesn't make it easier.
And I hope so much that my BPAL order arrives today. Could need a cheerup ... CnS was on the second of march ... could work ...
Today really doesn't seem to be my day ...
It started with my alarm-clock. I did not hear it because I had an earplug in my ear because my loved one was snoring again. I woke up 11 minutes too late. The radio on the alarm-clock is pretty loud, but not loud enough to wake up my partner.
While eating my toast I realized that tomorrow is my grandpas birthday. Of course I forgot to send a card - so I tinkered one (good that I have all the stuff for it at home). But the card will be late - my grandpa lives in another country - as almost all my realtives.
At work I realized that I have brought new cheese and chocolate - but the bread is still at home.
Then I wanted to get something to drink - went to the fridge and how nice! All iced. Thanks ...
Well on the other hand: It can only get better ... I hope!
I wrote Olli an email about wanting to forget the stuff but not being able to.
He wrote that he was thinking about it, too and that he want to talk about it with his parents. With me.
Perhaps this is the best way to solve the situation and to remove this "I don't trust them any more" - but I have no idea how to talk to them. Even how to start. And I know that I will cry. And it hate that. And I am afraid that I lose my temper and say stuff I don't want to say.
But what to say at all? That Olli told me what they said to him and that I am hurt and shocked that they always play "nice family" while being mean behind my back? I don't get it. Should I say "well sometimes I feel like you don't like me and snigger at me? That you don't take me for real"? Or not to say any of that but wait what they say? And then? The whole truth or only reacting on what they say?
I simply want to fast-forward and be over with it.
Thank you carwoman and filigree_shadow!
I have already seen 2 dermatologists - the first gave me cortisone creme and told me to wait about 3 weeks. After 1 week I switched to another creme (but also with cortisone) and it seemed to become better. On Christmas it got worst again an I decided to see another dermatologist after New Year.
I was there last week and he almost screemed "no, no cortisone!". From his point of view it is an sebaceous gland (is that right? I looked it up in an dictionary) inflammation. Worst you can do is apply cortisone - it will grew from that - yes, I realized that! So now I have an antibiotic creme with almost no fat in it. After 2 days of appling it, it got raspberry-red again and so I called him and asked if that was normal. Unfortunatly it is.
But today its smaller again ... still red but with some normal areas in between ...
You should have seen my boss yesterday ... he behaves really humiliating! Watches it all the time while he is talking to me - again with those repelled looks - he really turns always so that he can see it better while he is trying not to come too close - perhaps he thinks it is contaminous (it isn't!).
It was soooo good to talk to my parents (without Olli) and with one friend who has been at the party, too.
They all could totally understand me and don't think that I am exaggerating or that it would be wrong to have some basic rules. Made it easier for me.
My mom even broke out in laughter when I told her the story about "playing only on a special carpet in the living room" and banning toys entirely from the living room. In this case - how can they be angry when I ask to play only on the tiling?
Anyway, I feel much better, I still know that I have to talk to Ollis sister. But not this week. I will invite her to come over - alone - and that we will have some tea, chat about that, I will try to make my point of view understandable and perhaps we have some time to paint a bit with encaustic. She always wanted to try that.
If is so funny ... her boy is 8 and I'm always afraid when they come to visit us. I can see broken glass (actually they never broke anything - well they tried to break their own heads and our TV once because they had the great idea to take some pillows and use our staircase as a slide - but since our house has a strange cut there is the TV-shelve just at the end of the staircase, only 80cm away from each other, so this game was pretty dangerous - and the parents did not say a word ...), again fingerprints on my windows (and since we have a glass-gable, there really is a lot of glass to leave fingerprints on - and it takes a damn lot of time to clean them!), sweets all over my floor (I should check the shelves! and our bed!) and so on. Next week there are coming a 11 year old girl and a 9 year old boy - MY relatives - and I am not afraid at all. The boys have one year age-difference and I know this boy won't crawl over my bed, taking teddys from the shelve behind it, he won't yell at my guinea pigs and so on ... because he is raised in a different way. He does not seem to suffer. And he is known to be very lively and a bit difficult regarding to his behavior ... compared to the 8 year old he's an angle ... we don't have to talk about the girl at all - she is exactly like I was when I was her age. Shy. I'm her godmother. Which reminds me ... I should buy them a little something. (Okay, now I am reminded of this story: The boy from Ollis sister and gifts. Since Olli and I are a pair we buy all our christmas, brithday and whatever gifts together. On the 6th of December we celebrate something called Nikolaustag - Nikolaus - a bishop from Nizea when I am right - comes and brings sweets and oranges and nuts to the children - well and to the grownups. Since Ollis family is strange when it comes to sweets they don't buy sweets but real presents. Okay, so we bought some toys for the children and gave our gift to the boy - he was 7 back then. He forgot to say "thank you" - but I think tis is understandable, opened it, liked it, opened the gifts from the others and than - he came back to me "Tina, where is your gift for me?" ... I had a real big smile on my face)
I talked to the head of the staff council about my job and I am afraid I said something wrong about the other job I applied for a few months ago ... I just stated that it made me insecure and seemed so ... wrong. It was sort of an accusation but I wanted to stress that it made me think about some stuff ... the man was okay, in the end he told me not to be so insecure and not to think about it too much, it will all turn out good.
I hope so.
I try to relax.
I am the stand-in for a parental leave and we all assumed that the mother won't come back (it really isn't very likely). So I hoped to get this job perpetual once. We all assumed that next year the woman will have to declare whether she will come back or not. Now the man said something about "till the children are 18" - now I am so confused. 18? That would change the situation a lot!
He said that he would check on that and call back. He did not ... at least not till now.
Really, I don't know myself any more!
I'm so tired that I could start to cry - but I slept enough and good! But I'm so desperately tired that the line between "normal at work" and "having a breakdown and cry for a while" is pretty thin ...
It is so good to know that today is Friday and I can go home soon and then I will lay down in our wonderful bed and sleep. I will stand up shortly before Olli can go home and I will prepare something to eat. Then we'll go to the grocery store and after that I won't do anything anymore.
Tomorrow we'll go to a barbecue - only for 1-2 hours and after that to my friends birthday party. On Sunday I'll visit my parents because my relatives will be there.
----- got a mail in the meantime. Olli will eat with his coworkers ... the good thing: I don't have to prepare anything for him. The bad thing: I already decided yesterday what to eat today and because it was something new I was excited about it ... I love eating. And normally cooking. Well, there is no use in preparing the meal I planed, it's too much for one person and tomorrow it won't be as good any more.
Anyway, I guess my bad mood - it does not feel like a "mood" - may be it is because of my hand. It really hurts. A lot. And it's not getting better. I hope the weekend will bring some improvement. If not I will have to see a doctor next week. Which won't be good. My boss knows that my relatives come to visit and it will look like skipping work. I hope it's not a tendovaginitis ... I had already one and besides that it is not nice (specially for someone who works on an computer and loves to paint, write and do all kind of stuff with the hands - well, this sure sounds weird!) it will mean that I have to stay away from work for some time - which is something that makes me feel bad. I am afraid to never get an perpetual job and I feel remorse. I never skipped work or school - when I stay at home it is always for a good reason. But still ... I feel guilty and bad about it.
4h30min to go ... then I will have to drive approx. 30 min till I'm home (driving is terrible because of the hand) and then:
So I was in the choir yesterday and it was okay. I behaved as if everything would be fine and I guess that's what bothered one Lady, lets call her Tad. She was once the "leader" of our choir. I never liked her, she wants to be in the spot light all the time. We are approx. 100 singers and she was the conductor. She always made such a show herself as if she didn't want the audience to listen to us but to look at her. Anyway, she was sitting next to me, one empty chair between us because she is in a different pitch of voice than I am.
After our warmup someone must have told her that I erased the old homepage - I heared "What?? And now we have none? So close to our big concert?" - and than she went one row back and stayed there for the rest of the rehersal ... guess it was a sign for her disapproval. I have to say: I enjoyed it. And their fault - should have waited till the concert is over and kick me out then
And nothing more happened ... I hope it stays that way - if they announce that somebody new is in charge for the homepage by now they should not mention the reason for the change - if they do and it is not the truth I'll have to stand up and say how it really was and I don't want to do that. I'm terribly afraid of speaking to so many people. But I'll do it if I have to!
But I am proud that I went there and that I smiled and behaved as if it would not bother me how they treated me. Guess that makes people like Tad really angry ...
Yesterday I tried to call the sister a hundred times - well, make it 15 and you have the truth.
It seemed that nobody was at home.
Or can they see my number and they decided just not to answer? I guess that's paranoid from me.
Anyway - I didn't catch her. And with every try I was a bit more indifferent. My heart was still going faster when picking up the phone and dialing their number, but somehow I relaxed more and more.
I did talk at least a little bit to Olli - no fight, no anger - but comprehension. And deep inside of me I know that this would of course be the way in which he'd react. I even told him that I feel like they are coming to our place and forget about their children and behave like "Well, does it really matter what they do?" - and he agreed. That was nice.
The urge to get over with it fast is disappearing slowly. I don't have the speech in my head all the time - perhaps because I did write it down.
I hope I stay in this mood!
