I hate time. No, I hate not having enough time. I hate that you plan something in a nice way and then everything is changed again.
Okay, a look on the past weekend:
Saturday: Birthday from Olli's grandma. Before we went to her we had to go shopping - a gift for her and for Olli's mom.
Then coffee and dinner in a restaurant.
Sunday: Fish Fair with Olli's sister. Later birthday of a friend of mine.
Monday: Birthday of Olli's mom.
So our plan was:
Tue: Bring car to repair shop; gym
Wed: Get car; Buy fishes for the aquarium (fish fair was not good)
Thu: Holiday - I wanted to paint, Olli wanted to tinker on his model planes
Sat and Sun: Finally free!
and what happened?
Tue: No gym. Bring car away, buy fishes
Wed: Get car, bring Olli's parents to another city to shop with them
Thu: clean the apartment and then get Olli's nephew and play with him because we didn't have time to do this yesterday
Fri: a Partylite Party I totally forgot
Sat: Grocery shopping.
Sun: Finally free?? Can't believe it
I'm exhausted. Olli too. I just want some time for me - I want to paint, to take some photos and to play some of the new games we have bought. And I know that Olli needs some time, too.
On Sunday I we have been to a new chineses restaurant and Ollis parents, his grandma and the boy from his sister have been there, too. It was really nice but ... something was diefferent. Apart from his mom telling me 300 times that it was so nice that we came too and that she did not expected us to come she told the boy several times to behave.
Sometimes she even said stuff that I would never have told him (like not going to often to the buffet table to get some food) and some things I would have said too (like trying to sit at the table and not to run trough the restaurant or to scream).
I really had the feeling "What is going on? Is she doing it for me? Or what?
After the restaurant we went for a walk and after that we made a quick visit at Ollis parents house. And what was on the floor for the boy and his toy cars?? Yes! A carpet! So what happened to the "don't be concerned about your wooden floor, if children play it is okay if it suffers some damage?"
Could it be that they thought about what I told them and came to the conclusion that a carpet is a good place to play on?
Well, I am somewhere between great and really bad. Why?
Okay, lets start with bad (so that the good stuff is the stuff that I keep in mind in the end):
- my imac at work crashed
- I had to send it away so that they look up whats wrong with it and it will take approx. 3 weeks till I have it back - or was it till they know what is going on?
- I have to work with a mini mac which is sooooo lame, 512MB RAM
- it has only 10.3 installed (so I can't connect my ipod nano to it)
- I have to do a lot today and I only want to sleep
- I want to go home
- all my data are gone because I was not able to make any backup-DVDs because of a DVD-problem
- my BPAL-list is gone, too
- my BPAL-order is not at home yet
- my ipod case is not there yet
- I am hungry
Lets start with some of the nice things:
- I love gym
- my mom and Olli are telling me that I look already better, healthier, not that white any more
- we bought an ipod - and I love it
- I copied some Yö CDs on it and realized how much I love them
- I ordered the newest Yö-CD and I hope it arrives this week
- the sun is shining
- we had a wonderful weekend
- this weekend is the game trade show and I am allowed to spend quite some money (oh, but I forgot, the newest version of my wishlist was on my imac, too)
- I think about buying a Yö-T-Shirt
- I will get some French Fries today
Okay, I guess that's it. It's really an up and down.
So, we did it. We went there, we made a contract for 2 years and we had our first training. And I loved it!
For the first time in quite a long time I felt healthy and great and I was in a wonderful mood - well, I am still
It was great, I would like to go right there again. NOW!
Well, but now I am stitting in our living room - alone - Olli went to meet with a friend to fly their model planes, I'm not really happy with being alone, but it's not that bad.
I just watched the last 2 episodes of Friends - I'm addicted to them and now I'm again trough all the seasons. Since we don't receive any TV-channels we often watch DVDs - will have to search for something to watch again to relax after work and so on. Or I simply start over again. Hmmmm. Will have to think about that.
We are thinking about a membership in a gym. It is really cheap, the place looks good and so on - but we have to sign in for a 2 year memberchip. For 19,95€ each. Inclusive isotonic drinks and all kind of classes.
And since we moved together, we haven't done any sports. I stopped horse riding when we started to date, stopped my normal dancing but went on with ballet. Now I'm doing nothing and I obviously gain weight + I don't feel good anymore. So - I need to do something. But gym? Haven't been there! Don't know if I like it. But it would be good for me ... and we still can't decide ...
Today I'm in a really dreamy mood.
It's really nice.
I enjoyed the strange bird-voices I heard this morning, I was thinking about the "Phantom of the Opera" musical. We saw it approx. a year ago and it was so wonderful. Well, after I was there I had a strange problem coming back into real life again. It took me weeks.
I think I will watch the Phantom movie when I go home. And enjoy my chocolate yogurt. I bought it yesterday. I don't even like it very much - well I like parts of it. There a tree: One tiny sort of skin on the top of it which is great. Then comes the yogurt itself. Not so interesting. And at the bottom there is 1mm of a kind of cocoa something. Well, I eat the yogurt because of 1mm skin + 1mm cocoa. Great. But I'm really looking forward to it.
Somehow I don't take this day very seriously. And I like it.
For Olli it will be serious - he has to make a call to make an appointment for a job interview. He's so excited. I really hope he gets the job even if it would mean that he has to drive even more than now. But his current job is just too boring for him + his (female) boss is a pain in the ... but I don't dare to hope. I'm always afraid to hope anything ...
The last 2 weeks have not been so good for me and I was so happy about my BPALs - even in the worst mood and in pain I started to smile while sniffing my wrists. Now I want a smile from Olli - because he can quit his current job and somehow I hope that he tells why he is quitting - because the pain in the ...
I am pretty excited about my first LE-order. I tried to avoid LEs because I'm the kind of person who won't use something that might be unique and only once in a lifetime. Or I buy 3 or more (in this case bottles) and use the first one. But I think it is time to move on and to learn that even such things should be used. It makes no sense to keep them for years and then you realize that they are not good anymore.
So here is my order:
1 Beaver Moon, 1 Pumpkin Patch III, 1 Blood Amber, 1 The Perilous Parlor, 1 Dragon’s Blood
(I wish I did buy Dragon's Milk ... well I will order again when the yules are online - Dragon's Milk then!)
2 Imp packs containing:
Windward Passage, Kill Devil, Dragon’s Eye, Dragon’s Heart, Squirting Cucumber, Obatala, Eclipse, Miskatonic University, Event Horizon, Cathode, Moon Rose, Bloodlust
Everything with Dragon's Blood just seem to be perfect for me - so I am really looking forward to Dragon's Heart and Eye and as I recall Bloodlust was with DB, too.
i guess i won't be able to write a lot in this week - i haven't seen a doctor but it's quite obvious: i have a tendovaginitis. i try to write with my left hand and to handle the mouse with the left hand. it's not as funny as i hoped ...
A year ago a coworker of mine (wasn't working in the same department though) moved away from here. I was pretty sad about that. Sometimes I had problems with her because she is even more fragile goods than I am ... but I liked her a lot. We always had a lot to talk and to learn from each other and enjoyed our time together.
When she moved I knew that I wouldn't hear from her any more.
I got one call and one mail ... well, she didn't get much more from me. It was just so obvious that our friendship would end here.
Today she came here by surprise Another friend of hers is celebrating her birthday and she wanted to give me a quick visit, too. And she has got a new car, a job (finally! She searched so hard!) and - tada!! - she is pregnant!
She is one of those woman that I think become really good mothers. I know she's a bit "childish" (that sounds so wrong - there is nothing wrong with being a bit childish - you always should be!) - well, skip this ... I can't put it into the right words ... anyway, I am convinced that she will grow with her task and I am so happy for her and her husband
But ... yes, of course, there HAD to be a "but" - anytime I hear that someone is pregnant or just had her child ... I want that too. I know I am childish - and now I mean it in not only the positive way! - but I know I'm going to be a good mother. And Olli a great father - specially when we should have a boy that likes planes It's a kind of jealousy. Not that I don't want THEM to have a child - I really do - but in the way that I want, too. But that will have to wait. I don't have a perpetual job, Olli and I aren't married yet - and those are things that I want to have before we think about children (we already know we want two - we hope for one boy and one girl). It's just that I feel so damn fragile right now (hand, sleep, family) and now it hits me like a slap into my face to have to cope from the "I want to get pregnant, too!"
But it was so nice to see her - and so great to know that they're going to be a family in March
Really, I don't know myself any more!
I'm so tired that I could start to cry - but I slept enough and good! But I'm so desperately tired that the line between "normal at work" and "having a breakdown and cry for a while" is pretty thin ...
It is so good to know that today is Friday and I can go home soon and then I will lay down in our wonderful bed and sleep. I will stand up shortly before Olli can go home and I will prepare something to eat. Then we'll go to the grocery store and after that I won't do anything anymore.
Tomorrow we'll go to a barbecue - only for 1-2 hours and after that to my friends birthday party. On Sunday I'll visit my parents because my relatives will be there.
----- got a mail in the meantime. Olli will eat with his coworkers ... the good thing: I don't have to prepare anything for him. The bad thing: I already decided yesterday what to eat today and because it was something new I was excited about it ... I love eating. And normally cooking. Well, there is no use in preparing the meal I planed, it's too much for one person and tomorrow it won't be as good any more.
Anyway, I guess my bad mood - it does not feel like a "mood" - may be it is because of my hand. It really hurts. A lot. And it's not getting better. I hope the weekend will bring some improvement. If not I will have to see a doctor next week. Which won't be good. My boss knows that my relatives come to visit and it will look like skipping work. I hope it's not a tendovaginitis ... I had already one and besides that it is not nice (specially for someone who works on an computer and loves to paint, write and do all kind of stuff with the hands - well, this sure sounds weird!) it will mean that I have to stay away from work for some time - which is something that makes me feel bad. I am afraid to never get an perpetual job and I feel remorse. I never skipped work or school - when I stay at home it is always for a good reason. But still ... I feel guilty and bad about it.
4h30min to go ... then I will have to drive approx. 30 min till I'm home (driving is terrible because of the hand) and then:
I talked to the head of the staff council about my job and I am afraid I said something wrong about the other job I applied for a few months ago ... I just stated that it made me insecure and seemed so ... wrong. It was sort of an accusation but I wanted to stress that it made me think about some stuff ... the man was okay, in the end he told me not to be so insecure and not to think about it too much, it will all turn out good.
I hope so.
I try to relax.
I am the stand-in for a parental leave and we all assumed that the mother won't come back (it really isn't very likely). So I hoped to get this job perpetual once. We all assumed that next year the woman will have to declare whether she will come back or not. Now the man said something about "till the children are 18" - now I am so confused. 18? That would change the situation a lot!
He said that he would check on that and call back. He did not ... at least not till now.
Yesterday I tried to call the sister a hundred times - well, make it 15 and you have the truth.
It seemed that nobody was at home.
Or can they see my number and they decided just not to answer? I guess that's paranoid from me.
Anyway - I didn't catch her. And with every try I was a bit more indifferent. My heart was still going faster when picking up the phone and dialing their number, but somehow I relaxed more and more.
I did talk at least a little bit to Olli - no fight, no anger - but comprehension. And deep inside of me I know that this would of course be the way in which he'd react. I even told him that I feel like they are coming to our place and forget about their children and behave like "Well, does it really matter what they do?" - and he agreed. That was nice.
The urge to get over with it fast is disappearing slowly. I don't have the speech in my head all the time - perhaps because I did write it down.
I hope I stay in this mood!
Okay ... I know I wrote that I feel better. Now I don't. I couldn't resist to talk to my dear coworker Mike (I think I already wrote something about him) and that brought all back. He absolutely agrees with me but I don't like his idea of what to do when the next family visit is as all the others have been: "Don't invite them any more". And that's not what I want. I want them to come but I want the parents to look after their kids - but I can't say something like that, can I?
So I have this wonderful little speech in my head about me being raised in a different way, me hoping to be able to say how I wish my home would be without hurting anyone and so on. And this speech is on repeat. It goes round and round in my head with objections like "The only important thing is that you and Olli cope. That you have no problems".
Well ... we have. No, we are not fighting. But he's somewhere in the middle between me and his family and I don't want to hurt him. So I keep some thoughts to myself. But I am disappointed because he attacked my from behind stating in front of his parents that is it not so important whether there are scratches on the floor or not, it is not our floor (right, but I live on it, right?) and so on.
I would like to talk about it with him. But I am afraid it will end in a fight. He has his own big problems right now with his work. I try to help, but you know how it is. So I don't want to make it worst and don't say a thing while being afraid that "The only important thing is that you and Olli cope. That you have no problems" is a fragile thing.
I don't have the strength for a fight. The problem is we are both so alike ... we hurt fast, we talk before we thought about how the other might feel about it, we start to scream and to pout. Usually it does not take a long time till everything is okay again, but ... I won't stand it again. I will collapse ... I feel how I crumble inside and that is not good. I want to talk with his sister - but I won't be able to do it soon. I would have time today or tomorrow. But I guess she won't (I will check it and call her today - I don't want to talk about this on the phone). So this week it won't work. Next week (+weekends) my relatives from Finland are here to visit my parents - and us. So I won't have time. So it will be someday in October - that's pretty late and if this speech is in my head all the time, I will go crazy. That's why the Blog Entry Title - I wish the speech would shut up
(Perhaps I should write it down once? Will that make it silent?)
It was soooo good to talk to my parents (without Olli) and with one friend who has been at the party, too.
They all could totally understand me and don't think that I am exaggerating or that it would be wrong to have some basic rules. Made it easier for me.
My mom even broke out in laughter when I told her the story about "playing only on a special carpet in the living room" and banning toys entirely from the living room. In this case - how can they be angry when I ask to play only on the tiling?
Anyway, I feel much better, I still know that I have to talk to Ollis sister. But not this week. I will invite her to come over - alone - and that we will have some tea, chat about that, I will try to make my point of view understandable and perhaps we have some time to paint a bit with encaustic. She always wanted to try that.
If is so funny ... her boy is 8 and I'm always afraid when they come to visit us. I can see broken glass (actually they never broke anything - well they tried to break their own heads and our TV once because they had the great idea to take some pillows and use our staircase as a slide - but since our house has a strange cut there is the TV-shelve just at the end of the staircase, only 80cm away from each other, so this game was pretty dangerous - and the parents did not say a word ...), again fingerprints on my windows (and since we have a glass-gable, there really is a lot of glass to leave fingerprints on - and it takes a damn lot of time to clean them!), sweets all over my floor (I should check the shelves! and our bed!) and so on. Next week there are coming a 11 year old girl and a 9 year old boy - MY relatives - and I am not afraid at all. The boys have one year age-difference and I know this boy won't crawl over my bed, taking teddys from the shelve behind it, he won't yell at my guinea pigs and so on ... because he is raised in a different way. He does not seem to suffer. And he is known to be very lively and a bit difficult regarding to his behavior ... compared to the 8 year old he's an angle ... we don't have to talk about the girl at all - she is exactly like I was when I was her age. Shy. I'm her godmother. Which reminds me ... I should buy them a little something. (Okay, now I am reminded of this story: The boy from Ollis sister and gifts. Since Olli and I are a pair we buy all our christmas, brithday and whatever gifts together. On the 6th of December we celebrate something called Nikolaustag - Nikolaus - a bishop from Nizea when I am right - comes and brings sweets and oranges and nuts to the children - well and to the grownups. Since Ollis family is strange when it comes to sweets they don't buy sweets but real presents. Okay, so we bought some toys for the children and gave our gift to the boy - he was 7 back then. He forgot to say "thank you" - but I think tis is understandable, opened it, liked it, opened the gifts from the others and than - he came back to me "Tina, where is your gift for me?" ... I had a real big smile on my face)
There is one thing that I forgot:
Usually it's important for me to have chips and chocolate when I have a party. I put bowls of them on the tables for the guests. I do that because when I am a guest, I love to nibble this stuff.
But every time I had such things on the table, someone from Ollis family came to me and asked if I could put them away because the children eat too much of them. I did it every time.
On Saturday I didn't even bother to put anything on the tables but I forgot to put our every-day bowl of sweets away. After some time someone came and again "Please put them away, the children eat too much".
Sorry, next time I will serve sweets again, because they belong to such an evening. I really don't think that the other guests should be punished because the parents don't want to look after what their children eat. My parents went another way: We were allowed to eat as much sweets as we wanted on such events and as long as we still ate the normal food - believe me: When you feel ill for the second time because you had too much sweets you will learn to eat less the next time At least my brother and I learned it ...
So, I won't punish my other guests any more.
So I've talked to them. I guess everything is fine. Ollis mom told me that she is so sorry about what she said and that she did it because she was simply overstrained and caught between 2 stools. She did not mean it that way and she really loves me. So - problem solved.
The "guinea pigs are more important as children" was on the one hand the wanting that Olli and I have children right away (okay, I'd love kids - but first we should marry and I need a perpetual job) and they themselves never cared as much for their pets like I do. I have the habit to read all I can about how to keep a pet in the right way, to know it's need and so on. This means - with guinea pigs - that once a week you have to control their weight, give them lots of hay and not so much fodder (meaning this stuff from pet shops), twice a day things like carrots and cucumbers or tomatoes. And to watch carefully if everything is alright. Well to her this was "treating them like humans" - and sorry, it is not. I am just responsible with my pets because I love them - but surly it's not "I have guinea pigs - I don't need children"!
But there are still 2 things that bother me.
They consider my ideas how to raise children as bad. Too rigorous. Too confined. Children can't be happy with so many rules. I don't get it. When I'm going to have children I won't be a drill-instructor! But there have to be some rules, specially when you visit other people - I write down what I told them:
That you take off your shoes before you come into a home. That inside the house no one is allowed to smoke (these two are more for the grownups), that you sit at the table when you eat and wash your fingers when they are full of chocolate, that you don't take stuff down from shelves without asking if that is okay. I grew up with these rules. I did not suffer from them. The children in my whole family did grew up like that. But here is the problem: My family comes from another country and it's a big family. My mom has got 7 siblings, lots of them have own children, some even grandchildren. So I don't ask for the impossible ... but I guess now I am the terrible mother ...
I asked the boy if he could limit his playing with toy cars (he had approx. 40 of them with him - on a party with 19 people) on the tiling to avoid scratching on the laminate. I think this is okay. Olli and his parents don't think like that. The point that makes me angry here (but I will keep that to myself, no need to quarrel about it any more) is that Ollis sister herself has forbidden the children to play on their living room laminate without putting a blanked underneath the toys! By now she even banned all toys from the living room! So why should I live with scratches on my floor from HER children when she don't want them from her OWN children?!? Help me out here! Why am I the wicked woman?
Okay, but I'm able to live with that. I will talk to Ollis sister once more, explain myself and I hope than everything is all right. I guess it already is. I'll just keep in mind that I am not wicked for asking to avoid scratches on my floor ... and that I still believe in "there is nothing wrong with some rules".
I wrote Olli an email about wanting to forget the stuff but not being able to.
He wrote that he was thinking about it, too and that he want to talk about it with his parents. With me.
Perhaps this is the best way to solve the situation and to remove this "I don't trust them any more" - but I have no idea how to talk to them. Even how to start. And I know that I will cry. And it hate that. And I am afraid that I lose my temper and say stuff I don't want to say.
But what to say at all? That Olli told me what they said to him and that I am hurt and shocked that they always play "nice family" while being mean behind my back? I don't get it. Should I say "well sometimes I feel like you don't like me and snigger at me? That you don't take me for real"? Or not to say any of that but wait what they say? And then? The whole truth or only reacting on what they say?
I simply want to fast-forward and be over with it.
This weekend we invited family and friends to celebrate my birthday (which was almost 2 months ago) and the induction of our flat - one year after moving there ... we're not the fastest, as you can see.
Well, I thought everything was fine. And than I did something which was the last straw. I asked Ollis mom if she could remove her shoes. I don't like it if people come in with their shoes and ... well. I must have said in a wrong accent. I did not intent to do so, but it seems to happen a lot. And often when I try to let it sound casual.
Well okay, so she answered "No" - and I thought "well then", smiled and went back to the kitchen to cut more cake.
Then it all began. Ollis mom went on the balcony while all the others drank their coffee. I did not even think about it, that I could have caused this! My mom joint her to look what was going on. She claimed to have circulation problems.
Then Ollis sister took her children and went outside with them. She didn't seem too happy about me and my way with her children. When I get it right I should not worry about my laminate when they play on it (which always includes throwing cars, wooden cubes and so on). I asked the boy, if he could try to play only on the tiling - there I know that nothing will happen + he is not in the way of all the other guests. I have a different look on thinks like that - I have only one brother but we were raised in a different way. When we visited my grandparents there were 5-8 of us ... it was important to respect my grandparents, not to throw stuff, not to scream and so on. To know how to behave.
After coffee Olli and his parents went to see our new bed - I was there for some minutes and then rejoined the others. They stayed in there for approx. 30 minutes. I went back there to ask if everything was fine. They smiled and claimed to have talked about Ollis job.
Then Olli and his sister disappeared, I searched for them and there they were talking about me. Ollis sister believed that I don't like her. Because I said some stuff (yes, some of them were meant exactly how I said them ... and others I did not mean the way she got them. And I do like her. I just think we are different - which should not be a problem. I always like seeing her, going away with her). So I told her that, told her that I am happy about the family Olli brought with him and so on. And we talked a bit about the kids ... and she told me that the circulation problem was caused by me and my tone ... and that Ollis mom was afraid that the family would break apart over this stuff. I really could not understand it. It was ... I don't know! I didn't have a clue about the stuff going on!
So I went to Ollis mom, gave her a hug and told her that everything is fine.
It all would have been okay if Olli and I wouldn't have talked about it the next day. He revealed that his parents - better: his mom - talked about this stuff while they were in our bedroom. And they accused me of stuff that is not okay + they really hurt me. They always smile at me and are nice and now I hear such things that indicate, that they don't like me at all. I cried a lot. A lot a lot. Olli tried to calm me down and told me that this was the first time they did something like that and that I should try to forget it because he thinks it was because all the problems his mother is having. That's right, she has a tough time regarding a lot of different parts of her life. Her health, her friends, her working place and so on. Olli was angry that they told him such things instead of talking to me. So we agreed on forgetting the hole affair, because it was not worth it (well, first we quarreled about an hour ... which made it worse. I had a terrible night and had a dream about Olli leaving me - but after that we were fine again).
But ... I'm still so hurt. I try to tell myself that everything is fine. But it happened several times that I got the feeling that Ollis parents don't really like me. Which is somehow ridiculous because they treat me very nice. But sometimes there are things they say that make me feel bad again. But of course now I am really convinced that they dislike me. Even if Olli tries to affirm that they love me.
I really don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about it with them because I know how bad Ollis mom is. But on the other hand I don't trust her any more. I don't want to see her. And I am pretty much hurt.
So I just don't know what to do ... I tell myself over and over again to forget the hole story. But somehow it's not that easy.
Yesterday I spent some time with Maus. Boy, did she grow! The scheme of childlike characteristics almost disappeared. I did not take her out for 3 weeks (of course I took her out for weighing and cleaning, but not to cuddle her) because I was coughing too bad. I'm still coughing a bit.
3 weeks ago she was a snuggle-pig. She loved it to be caressed. And now? Well ... okay, she still loves to search for the warmest place and is really happy when you built a "tent" with your hands and she can lay inside of it - in fact her eyes are going smaller and smaller when she is there. But if you try to caress her ... she shows that that's not what she want apart from being caressed on the head specially between the eyes. I guess if there wouldn't have been the 3week pause she still would enjoy it ... well perhaps if I can take her out more often again.
But I somehow ignore the others because of her. Lets be frank: The others will enjoy it ...
... a strange day. I don't feel well. My head aches a little bit, my abdomen, too. Well, girl problems My knee aches a lot, no idea why. I am very tired and I want in my bed - now. That may be because yesterday was not that great. Well, in the beginning it was. Yesterday I had my 10 year driving license anniversary and I bought cake because of that. Well, okay, I only wanted cake. I told Olli that I want some and didn't tell that I was going to buy it myself. So he came home with red roses and a cake that you only must bake. It was so sweet of him and I was really happy. So we had lots of cake.
After that we started to clean again - on Saturday we have a party and there is still a lot to do till then. It was okay and it is nice that our house starts to look nice again. Anyway, at 21:00 we decided to stop for that day and to watch Star Trek DS9. I said something - I think in a normal voice - and he thought that I said it in a grumpy voice. Over that we started a fight. We had this one a lot of times. I really didn't mean it grumpy - but he thinks it sounds like that ... I can't hear any grumpiness so I don't know how to change and he can't convince himself, that it isn't meant grumpy. It took us 1 hour to talk normal to each other again. At this time we were already in bed. And then it took almost 1h till I was calmed down enough to sleep. So it was a short night and that's why I'm tired.
We thought our party would be bigger ... 30 people or something like that. Till now there are only 15. Well, makes it easier for me to cook.
I'm already hungry. Okay, that is nothing special. I'm always hungry.
Really strange: I want to clean the windows in our living room! We have a window-gable so it is a lot of work but I really look forward of doing it. Perhaps because everything will have color again after cleaning - right now there is a grey shadow above all.
My thoughts are drifting away all the time. It took me really long to write this entry. Guess it's simply not my best day, even if the start was nice and I talked to a woman working with me in this building. We are always the first to come here and sometimes we bump into each other and start to talk. I like her. She's a lot older than I am, and still we find lots to talk about. I still wait for another coworker to come - Mike. He is 54 I think and I really like him. And he likes me, I think. I often comes to me to talk about his relationship and asks things like "How long was there this 'fire' in your relationship?" or "At which point should we move together?". He really appreciates my opinion and I'm flattered by that because I'm so much younger than he is. I'd consider him a friend ... it will be hard when he leaves work - and I guess he will in the end of this year. After that it will be hard to keep in touch - he is living about 400km away from here and ... well I think it will end then. But I'll always keep him in my memories. He is a great person and I love it that he found a new love at the age of 53 And that he always encourages me ... in some things I am pretty childish - so when I need an objective, grownup opinion, I simply ask him.
Oh Mike, I hate it that things will change and you will go away. I guess if you'd hear that you'd smile and say "Well, that's the way it goes ..."
I have my own room at work - well almost. About 4 hours per week we are 2 in the room. Me and - let's call him Tom. And we really are not best friends. It's not that we hate each other, we are just too different. He is as non diplomatic as one can be. I think I can be diplomatic if I want to. At work I usually want to
Well it started with calenders that we can order now. They should be for work, of course. He told me to get one for home. I'm too - well half and half - I have him always with me and therefore there are work-things in at as well as private things. Anyway, he thinks I'm too correct. Tells me that he does not believe that I never overlay my break. In fact - I don't. I have my mobile ringing when it's time to go back to work. If I stay too long away anyway, I take this time from my overtime. It's just the way I am. Yes, I surf while I should be working but it would be wrong to tell him so, he would use it against me if there would be the opportunity.
I'm just so tired of this ... every now and then he starts with it and in the end he says "Well, doesn't matter, I don't care." - "Funny, you talk a lot about it, doesn't seem as if you wouldn't care." - "No I don't. I don't have to. Your partner has to." - ehm sorry, why are we talking about my partner now?? This was about work!
After that he usually start to call me a bitch (hope the use of the word is the same as Zicke in German). I think I'm not. Well okay, sometimes I am, but I really try not to be. He surly is. I started to be faster then him and call him a bitch right away at this point of our conversation.
It's really that he wants to hear from me that I screw our employer - because he is doing so and wants sanction for that.
The point is: I think he is terrible. The way he economies with his money, the way he works and so on - but I don't say anything to him about that. I never start such discussions as the one we had now. I just accept that he is different and try not to mix into his stuff or way of handling things. Why can't he do the same?
The only explanation I have is that I really bully him in my silent way ... I know he hates that I have no problems with our boss because I am ... different. I tell him straight away what I think about something and if he asks me some awkward questions, I don't say "ehm er errr ... well ... er". I prefer the easy way, even if that means that I have to tell our boss something that he does not want to hear. I am terribly afraid in such situations (it's never nice to say "no I have not finished that" or "sorry, it will never work") but I try to play cool - and I guess that's why my boss and I come along ... he knows somehow to trust me. Tom tries not to say something negative to our boss - but most of the time our boss gets it and finds out.
Well we are different. But where is the problem??
Something important, I'm afraid!
On Sunday I wanted to feed my ants. So I opened the glass box - here it is called arena - and put some honey and water in it while my partner was on the phone. Of course I was listening to what he was saying ... and forgot to close the arena again. Monday after work I realized that the lit wasn't there.
I can't even tell if any ants are gone. The queen and approx. 11 workers are still there. Perhaps none of them is gone - I have the feeling that they already decided that it is time for hibernation (they hibernate even at normal temperatures, but of course you should bring them to a colder place - it's only nice because they show you when it is time) and so all the ant might be still in the nest.
Lets hope so.
Yesterday I spent a lot of time with my pigs. I cleaned their cage and usually they are in an enclosure I built in their room or our living room and after that I bring them back to their cage.
Yesterday I had a little bit more time (sweety was just taking a nap) so I cleaned the cage and after that I sat myself in the enclosure. Maus came directly to my fingers - she still thinks that they are eatable. But I was able to use my fingers to lure her onto my lab Even Pebbles - the shyest of the 4 - came closer, after a while she found out that it is nice to sit next to my leg because its warm there. Wittgenstein enjoyed it when I caressed him under the chin - he can make such a looooong neck. Willow was very greedy - she was choking 3 times on her carrot. A terrible noise. 3 of the 4 decided that my toes are eatable - I disagreed.
It was really nice sitting there with them.
In the end Maus was a bit nerved because I had to comb her - she's a US-teddy and has scalls - she made it clear that the comb is not her friend and that she is pretty quick.
Wittgenstein, Willow and Maus gained weight, only Pebbles lost about 18gr. But I think 18gr is not that much so I'm not worried.
Okay, a new category!
Today I tried Snake Oil again. I got it in February, I think and I applied it once. Conclusion: Boring. A not so perfect Van Van. I decided to let it age because a lot of you say that it's great aged. New Conclusion: Not as great as Blood Amber, but nice. Quite and not too striking, but nice. A bit like candy ... sweet but not too sweet. I think I will buy a big bottle of it someday. Will have to buy a bit BPAL anyway ... I think twice a year I am allowed to do so. Perhaps I wait for the Jule-scents ...