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BPAL Madness!
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Relationships

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smallvoice

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I just read a blog entry that reminded me of something I'm desperately ashamed of. So, of course, I must write about it immediately.

 

I was involved with someone online about seven years ago, and I was naive. I caused a lot of grief to people I will never know, and I regret that more than I can ever express. He had a step-son who was only about 4 years younger than I was, and he was 10 years my senior... I encouraged him to leave his wife, because I was in love with him in that achingly open and raw way I don't think I'll ever experience again. That relationship changed my whole experience of love in a profound way.

 

He was beautiful, and he polished the moon for me; made it shine a little brighter, and gave me the stars, one at a time.

 

I was so sure he loved me. It's hard to think he didn't. I couldn't give him space; I just had to hold tighter, because... I don't know. It's so hard to explain. It felt like I was losing a piece of myself; the best part of me. The beautiful me. The part he made special.

 

His wife asked him to come back and try and work things out. He chose to go back, but he needed a break first. He went on a trip, far far away. He decided that he didn't want to go back to his family; he wanted to stay where he was. So he came back, packed up, and moved there.

 

I stole that boy's only father figure. I'd like to apologise, but how do you begin to do something like that?

 

I'm sorry I invited this man to leave you when you really needed his presence.

 

The awful thing? I don't think I'd feel badly about it if he and I had ended up together. I'd be too wrapped up in me.

 

I broke that family. He made the choice, and I realize he's ultimately responsible, but. . . I can't cop out like that. I do carry blame for it.

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I understand shame and guilt, trust me - I do. And I understand knowing that maybe you wouldn't feel so badly if you ended up with that person whom you loved so desperately...I don't think that makes you a bad person, (or me) I think that just makes us human.

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The way that I see this, you didn't "make" him do anything. He chose to do it, and if you hadn't been on the scene, something else probably would have been the impetus to leave that relationship. It might have been another person, or a job that took him far away, or something. It's probably good that you didn't end up with this guy, because it sounds like the relationship drained too much out of you, and your Mister is so good for you. But you didn't force the other guy into anything, he wanted to go there, and things like that happen... often, a lot more than we suspect.

 

ETA: What's the little speech that Nicholas Cage gives in "Moonstruck" when they're walking home from the opera? He says something to the effect that "we're not here to make things perfect. We are here to ruin ourselves and love the wrong people...." I've always remembered the gist of that speech because it's such an honest portrayal of what we're all about. So like indarkmoon said, things like this make us human, and you can't feel too guilty about that.

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I didn't mean to sound like I wish I had ended up with him- It wasn't a good relationship, and he wasn't good for me. I love my husband dearly and I know we are perfect together, but my first real encounter with love had a huge impact on my current experience of love. When I say he polished the moon for me, it's to sort of get across the feeling that I may as well have been 14 years old, for all the safeguards I had around my heart.

 

I know I was just a part of the catalyst, but I would prefer it if somebody else had been there instead, and I'd had the strength to just walk away. But I was of the opinion at the time that love was worth gambling everything for. I just didn't know.

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