I have some sort of a skin infection that's not going to kill me, but it is grossing me out. Plus, I have to take 4 pills a day to help clear it up. Because it's communicable, I'm going to have to bathe in bleach. Or just go swimming a lot, which is preferrable. On top of that, the air conditioner in my room froze over, so we've had it off to let it thaw out and it's freaking hot in here. It explains why the ac hasn't been putting out as much cool air as it probably should be.
And, uh, now it appears to be broken. Crap.
Merry Christmas, lovelies! Even if you don't celebrate the actual holiday, I hope the spirit of the season itself brings warmth and love into your lives. You all deserve it.
Take the best care, and I shall write an entry with the scoop on my holiday swag as soon as possible.
Love to you, darlings!
My mood swings are seriously impressive. My anxiety is even worse. I missed school because of my anxiety today, and this is significant not because it's never happened before, but because I hadn't given up, and I wanted so badly to go, and I just couldn't. handle. it. I couldn't. There wasn't a single thing that was going to drag me out of this house. I couldn't write my paper that was due today, and I didn't get to do all the things that needed to be done TODAY. Not tomorrow. Right now. Hours ago. There were things that I needed to have done, and people, I just could not do them. I cannot convey the amount of frustration and despair I feel over this.
I really want to be a better person. I want to think that I am continuously improving, and that I am going to be strong enough to live like a normal person and get the education I want and make connections and be there for the people who need me, but I feel like I am stuck.
My mom has been sick for a long time now, and they've been trying to figure out what is wrong with her- loads of tests, and they've thought repeatedly that she has internal bleeding, but haven't found anything. So finally, instead of sending her back to the GI specialist, she went and saw a hematologist, who ordered her into the hospital to be watched, because her iron and her red (?) blood cell count was so low, and they did an iron infusion and finally sent her home, and now we wait to see if she starts producing the blood cells she needs, or if not, what else needs to be done.
So I'm a wreck, and she's taking care of me already- she went out and got my medicine for me today- and she has no business really being out and about, but that's just how it goes, and I wonder if I'll ever quit being a burden to her and be able to start taking care of her. In fact, I feel that way about most everyone in my life right now.
I shouldn't be feeling like this. And all I can do is stare at my switchee box that has yet to go out and feel hopeless about THAT, too. Is that not insane? Seriously, it's not like it is out of my control to drive to the post office and have it mailed out. But right about now, I'd like to sit in my very own padded cell and rock in the corner... and that sounds ridiculous and overdramatic in my head, so I can't imagine how it sounds out here, but I feel so freaking out of control, and then I'll come back here in a couple of hours and be appalled because of how overdramatic this is, but it is really how I feel right now, even if I don't feel this way later, and.... yeah. My head is really, really unhappy right now.
I've been putting off writing about this, but it is another thing that is weighing on me and I need to just write it out.
My dad's first wife has advanced cancer- Colon cancer, I believe, though I may be wrong. She might not last the year. I keep hoping that she won't die on Thanksgiving. Or in November at all. Deaths seem to be piling up around November. And... this is awful... but I keep thinking that it's like having a messenger preparing for a trip to see a bunch of people I love and can't communicate with anymore... could you just find Christy and tell her... and Robbie... and Paul... and... most of all, my grandmother. After you die, could you just please find these people for me? Run some errands out and about? Could you tell them that I am happy, finally?
It's awful. And I know it's hurting my brother and sister, and I hurt for them, but I keep obsessing over the fact that she could be seeing all these people I love before the year is out. All these people who hoped that I'd be happy. All these people who loved me.
I don't want her to die, but I'm trying hard to get to acceptance.
I hope she knows her kids love her. I'm going to tell her I love her. I'm not going to ask her to run dead messages around for me. A part of me just wishes I could.
I grew up in the LDS church, also known as the mormons. I was baptised at age 12 because my mother and I were converts, and my dad wasn't active. I'm no longer active. I'm still feeling out my spiritual pathways. However, the LDS church is always going to be a part of who I am and, at least locally, they have a really great community of people. Most of the people helping with the wedding are members. I'm getting married in an LDS church building, by an LDS bishop. My mom is still an active member. My fiance decides that he wants to investigate the church to learn more about my background in it and to connect more with my mom, and also to attend with our roommate, who wouldn't go otherwise. This is all very nice, in theory. However, he hates organized religion. He's very liberal, politically speaking. He believes in God, but doesn't like all the dressings. When he met with the missionaries, it annoyed me, because I felt like he was there to waste their time. And he came back with snide remarks and his usual issues with the thought of organized religions- complaints about beliefs and accusations about oppression of women and just... all the same stuff. So I shrugged and told him not to do it. But he's persisted. So I tend to nod and sigh and remind him that he doesn't have to go there, and nobody's trying to force him into the beliefs. It just irritates me. He came home today ranting about how tithing is just rent for the church and they don't care about motivations and whatever. It's a freaking principle of the church. Don't act like you understand it, because you obviously don't. It isn't flexible. Organized religion has to have structure to it, otherwise it WOULDN'T BE ORGANIZED!!!
I spent tonight with my husband, cleaning up our kitchen and playing Baldur's Gate and watching the ball drop, and it was fantastic. It's our second New Year together, but our first as husband and wife, obviously, so it was special. I know how lucky I am. It's going to be a great year, even if the going isn't always smooth, because all I see when I think about 2006 are the shining moments, even if I was a basket-case for so much of it. Thus, the good outweighed the bad. By a lot.
Happy New Year everyone!
Oh, and my new watch? Is beautiful. In case I forgot to mention that among the Christmas postings.
Therapy today was fine. It was a getting to know you sort of deal, and I think this lady really knows her stuff. But cautiously. I don't want to get over-excited and then have her be some flake. But it went okay.
I don't have much more to say about it.
Oooh, the boy got me the Perfume book and it arrived today- can't wait to start reading it.
ETA: Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, just to clarify.
I am trying very hard to refrain from writing a wanted post with many inappropriate caps and exclaimation points and question marks, begging for somebody to please swap Persephone to me.
NOTE: Please do not offer to swap or sell Persephone to me until I've bumped the appropriately phrased post in the appropriate area of the forum. This is definitely not a request. I'm just wailing and gnashing my teeth about the unfairness of it all. Hee. (I've barely missed it three times recently. At least.) I know. Poor me.
I'm not pregnant!
I almost wrote a post here last night that I thought I was pregnant, because I was having huge anxiety over it, but then I freaked out about how saying it might help it to be real or whatever. Anyway, I'm not. Hooray!
I hurt my neck today somehow. It is not comfortable. I think I'm going to try and sleep now, though. Just wanted to share the good news!
If I'm ever going to attend a four year school, I'm going to have to take a whole lot more math than just statistics. Do I try and get some of it done next year? Or do I try and keep the focus on the sciences I need for the radiology thing and not spread myself too thin?
I don't know. I'm back in obsessive mode regarding my classes. Obviously.
More:
Ooh! I just went through the new course catalog, and the genetics class I want to take has basic math and science prerequisites, which means I should be able to take it sometime in the next school year. But there's where I run into the problem I was chewing on up above- where do I fit it in?
They've also got several spanish classes that I'm now interested in looking at. (I was essentially forced into taking 3 years of it in high school because it was practical, so I never developed a love for the language, but I think I might be able to do that now.)
More:
How is it that I can obsess so much over future classes and yet be dreading tomorrow so much? There's no reason for it, either. I like all of them. In fact, this is probably my best quarter of instructors, and certainly one of my favourite classes, as far as people in it go. I'm going to fall apart when things start getting really difficult.
Odd little project:
I'd like to try scents that don't have a lot of reviews, so I'm going to list some here. (But this is not my wishlist, this is just for my own reference.)
Anathema
Death on a Pale Horse
Les Infortunes de la Vertu
Loralei
Nero
The Black Tower
The Bow and Crown of Conquest
I'm still musing over my star chart reading. I've decided to stick with art (as I mentioned previously) to try and develop that talent. I hope it turns out well. I know there are other venues of opportunity, but I've always thought it would be wonderful to be able to create art.
If art doesn't fit, I'll pursue writing-- which I think I also mentioned. I'm also going to throw myself into fitness this quarter. The reading said something about body movement being important, and that feels right. I'm wondering if that has to do with my growing interest in yoga. I hope it's offered next summer. 5 days a week! That would be marvellous. Exhausting, because it's still a 7am class, but fantastic.
I'm going to need to take some literature classes, and history. I love school. I'm so glad I get to go back!
I really need to make sure I have the focus to succeed this quarter.
Here's the rundown of everything that's been going wrong in my life of late. I'll do a more positive one soon.
-I got violently ill during finals week last quarter.
-I was violently ill the first week of spring break.
-I was PMS'ing, too.
-Surprise visit from my beloved cousin left little time for rest during the second week of spring break.
-Ugliness and misfortune from friend in previous entry.
-School starts. Yoga-ow. Math-ow. Archaeology-YAY. English-....
-Things resolve with friend, who gets kicked out of his apartment due to not paying rent. (This is a long story.) Instead of doing homework, I help him get moved.
-S.O. gets sick.
-Mom may have whooping cough. If she does, I will have to be tested for it as well.
-If mom has whooping cough, she will go straight to the hospital. Scariness.
-I get sick. I miss 3 of the first 8 days of classes. Catching up in math is going to be a bitch.
-Friend gets moved in here.
-English instructor is extremely condescending to me. It makes me sad.
-At the urging of my S.O., I realize that I can't take archaeology. This is heartbreaking news.
-A favourite uncle who has been really sick for a while now goes into renal failure and is on his deathbed.
-Favourite uncle consequently dies.
-I miss the funeral because it is out of town, and I've already missed too much school.
-The death brings up a lot of past issues.
-I'm still sick but attending school. My voice is mostly gone and I feel like shit, but I'm probably not contagious.
-I tell my archaeology instructor in person that I'm dropping his class, and when he gets concerned, I damn near cry, because his class is the only one I enjoy. This causes more concern from him. Luckily (for me) he has a class and can't stay, but reassures me that I'm not giving up and I have to do what's best for me and all the nice things people say.
-I cry. (In my car)
-I cry some more. (At home)
-For whatever reason, math just isn't sticking with me. I suck. I fail the first quiz.
-My first english essay is late.
-I cry some more. (In my car and at home)
-I don't have wedding invitations yet. This is not good.
-.... to be continued.
I need to stay out of that LJ thread. It's making me upset and snarky and I generally try to be nice to people. I just need to take a breath, a step back, and focus on the fact that I don't always have to attack when I feel threatened. This, to me, is a safe place, and I don't want it to be unsafe... but I'm not the authorities. Yeah, I'm being silly. It's just so... irritating that people can be so freaking mean!
Gah. I need to do homework. The boys went to church.
I wish I could buy bottles for my switchee. I wish I could buy bottles for myself.
Why are money issues so freakin relentless?
The housemate saga continues: He's still here, and we've been waiting for a sizeable check from his mother. Note: She's a working nurse. She owns her own home. He hasn't had a job since late march. He reneged on his lease, and my mother is responsible for it, as co-signer. My mother is unable to work. She's on government disability. She doesn't get a lot. His mother sent him a check for $25 when he told her he was being evicted from his apartment. And some sweaters. She sent him a check for $225 when he told her his car wasn't working and also needed tags and insurance. He had his own apartment for 4 months. The rest he's lived here- not all of those months were leeching, but the way things even out... he's cost more than he's balanced. I know, I have the power to tell him to leave, and it's my job, and it's bad for my marriage, and everything else. I'm not trying to bitch about him. I'm bitching about his mother. The sizeable check arrived today. When he told me that she said she would send a fair amount, I had visions of $500+. Then he said she was going to send $250. Okay. That'll take care of a few things. No. Not $250. $150.
The crack in my windshield has gotten much bigger and we went to the insurance company today. We have a $100 deductible. So there's another unplanned expense. $100 that we have to borrow. I just wish we had a cushion. I'm terrible with money. But if he sat me down and told me straight out that there would be no more BPAL purchases until we have some money set aside in savings, it'd be so. The problem is that the money always goes for something frivolous anyway, so I figure why not BPAL? Or whatever. And it's not like there's a lot of frivolity. More this month than in a long time, because of school money, but my frivolity is not to be had, thanks to stupid-ass rock trucks with no covering on top of their scary-ass rocks.
I really want to scream and be angry and throw a tantrum. I just don't know who to be angry at.
For some reason, it never occurred to me that there'd be a lack of interest in my contest/sale. I mean, I didn't expect everyone to be scrambling to join in, but I think it's both fun and reasonably priced, particularly considering that there's a one in six chance that the winner'll be an imp of Underpants. With less guesses, I'll need to adjust it somehow, and it'll be more likely.
I'm just rambling to whine, folks. But please don't take this as me sulking (which, to me, implies anger, whereas 'whine' does not.) . I'm tired and PMS'ing. I think I may finally be able to sleep.
Freaking Melody. Heh. I'm sorry, and I know a lot of people love her, but.... first impressions and all. If that chick knows where the Ark of the Covenant is, she needs to tellllll me. And stop filling it with water. Freak! Ahem. I'm done. Seriously.
I'm such a spaz. How did I get to be so old?
My husband is out in the front room doing something mysterious and Christmas-y for me. I'm not allowed out, and I think it's very sweet. I can't wait to find out what it is so I can brag about him here. Hee. I don't know that I say it enough here, but I love that man. He is so good for me.
SO GOOD!
In other news, my brother's mom seems to be in stable condition, and should be here for Christmas- which is wonderful, seeing as how my brothers and sister will all be here, and the last time we were all together before my wedding was many, many years ago, and I was dumb and didn't take a picture with them- so we will have to get one while they're in town for the holidays. I was so afraid that we wouldn't be together again until a funeral, so that's a relief. I hope! I just really hope she makes it. It would suck for her kids and grandkids if she died so close to Christmas. Me too, obviously, but them more.
Uh, okay. My brain is still flitting about much like a hummingbird. Hummingbirds freak me out, because some of them are so small that they resemble moths. We have HAYUGE moths out here. I'm so phobic about moths it isn't even funny. Riiiight.
I can't concentrate, obviously, so I'm going to go play Cake Mania. Seriously. It rocks. Big Fish Games is the coolest thing ever!
We had thunder and lightning last night and it's been all gray and drizzly outside today. Now it's raining- I love the rain. There's just something about it that is soothing and refreshing to me. I'm happy for it. It's going to be a good day.
Thanks for pointing me in this direction, Fil. The guy called my cell phone today and told me that he wanted to know immediately if the phone line was disconnected, because they're not supposed to do anything to our line while an investigation is pending. Hopefully this will get sorted out soon! Meanwhile, we'll be able to stay online! I should go find the number, just in case. Eep. Anyway, so that's great news! And I know what I want to get for my mom, I just can't get it right now. It'll have to be late, sadly. Ah, well. And I think I need to find some more imps of MLST so I can get her a few in a roller bottle, because I think it would smell fantastic on her.
Anyway! I'm feeling better now that somebody is looking into the situation. I am so freaking pissed at Trinsic, it's not even funny, so I hope they get taken to the woodshed. Or at least get a stern talking to, and we get our phone back.
In other news, I watched part 1 and 2 of the Lost Room, and I'm bummed because I love the premise, and it's almost exactly how I wanted my NaNo to go- the things they needed to find were going to have odd properties, and there are all sorts of directions to take it. I may still use it and draw on the show- it's not like I'm going to be published or anything. (I'm going to flesh out my characters this year and then write out the novel next November. It'll be better!)
Anxiety is high again, can ya tell? My mind is just racing. Okay, gotta go figure out what I'm doing. Take care, dearies. Thank you for your support.
Woah. There is SO much to write about. It was a LONG day.
I woke up early- about 7:30. I got ready, and waited for my cousin/maid of honor to be ready. We left the house around 9:30.
I'm going to sound like a horrible person here, but my meltdown came when I went to make sure my mother would be up and at the church (because she had the key) and she was sick. She has a chronic illness and is genuinely sick quite often, but she also will tend to rely on it as an attention getter, which pisses me off to no end. I just really needed her to pull it together, and it was one more thing going wrong. Just couldn't deal. So I grabbed my dress and left in a hurry. I went to a coffee shop and had a coffee and tried to calm down. The boy called my mom to see what was up and my aunt and her two oldest boys were going to head over to unlock the building. So my cousin and I thought we'd go make sure there were people there setting up.
There weren't. It was just the three of them. So my cousin and I couldn't very well just be like, "Okay, see ya. Have fun with that!" We went in and helped set up and my aunt offered to help with my hair, but she had to run errands. Yeah. We didn't get out of there until after 12. She suggested meeting back up around 2. So my cousin and I ran to the nail salon where she had acryllics put on and that took forever. I never did find pretty underwear, but I found tights.
While I was in the store looking for tights and underwear, I remembered that I wouldn't be going home again until after the wedding (no time!) and I didn't have my aquamarine earrings with me. I phoned the boy, asked him to look for the earrings, and he came up with nothing. So I asked him to look for the ones 'snarky got me from the swap, and he also couldn't find those. That was my big meltdown moment. I couldn't very well walk down the aisle without earrings! I needed those earrings! I was going to DIE without those earrings! (They were in plain sight when we got home, much, MUCH later.) So much drama. Anyway. I needed something borrowed, so I asked one of my bridesmaids to bring me earrings, and then found out that another one already had some with her, and they were GORGEOUS. Pearls with diamonds. Really simple and just lovely.
We had to rush back, but the church was locked. However, we recognized cars, so we knew somebody was there. We're pounding on the doors and trying to get somebody's attention- It took about 15 minutes, and it was only due to the wonder of cell phones and luck that it was that fast. I'd forgotten any sort of hair-doing supplies, so my aunt and I ran to a store nearby and bought bobby pins and hair spray and a hairbrush and then ran back to the church. We scoot on back to the bride's room (It's makeshift; it's just one of the classrooms, but it was our base of operations, so that's what I'm calling it.) and get started on my hair. I'm not one for putting products in my hair, so it didn't feel that great- my hair is oddly really wavy, but hates holding curl.
Continuation: I got sprayed in the eye with hairspray, which sucked. My cousin Donna shows up with 2 of her kids, and we have a little reunion. Her dad died earlier this year, and it was the first time I'd seen her since. She brought me tic tacs from him and came to the rescue when I realized I didn't have "something old" to carry. The second of three bridesmaids shows up with the pretty earrings and lots of hair-doing supplies. It's about 3:00 at this point. Lots of family have arrived and I'm trying to get around to see everybody, but I'm sort of confined to the room, so people are coming around to see me. I'm sorta hungry at this point; haven't had much to eat. And thus, my favourite story from the wedding is born. (To be told much later) Bridesmaid #2 volunteers to get me food, so she runs off to subway around 3:30. I can't remember what else she was doing. (Gah. I should've continued this sooner. I know there's a ton of stuff I'm forgetting.)
And that, chickies, is where I must pause for the night, because... I'm so tired it's literally making me sick to my stomach. I'll pick back up soon.
I have about $50 in my paypal account. I really want to do whatever the BPTP event is going to be. I totally support the price increase and all that, but... I think I'm going to spend it on GC scents.
I don't have anything for my husband's birthday. I don't have any ideas about what to get him. I... may actually not use it on BPAL at all. If I spend a ton of money on myself and don't have anything for him, that's just... wrong, to me. Wrong.
This website shows what sort of inspired my husband's gift to me. I can't find them anywhere else, but I know I've seen them before. He made it himself, though, and it is perfect.
My internet has been gone for the past week or so! I shall return as soon as the telecommunication gods decide they don't hate me anymore. Thinking of you all, and hoping you're doing well.
I will have a huge update coming when I do get back. (Possibly tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath.)
