I am actually in a full-blown panic over never finding a bottle of House of Mirrors. Beaver Moon to a lesser degree. This is sort of scary. I think I need some rest. But it's really, really freaking me out. Seriously, though? House of Mirrors seems to have vanished from the swaps. (I know there are a couple there, but what if nobody ever wants to sell it again? )
And it's not like I have any real reason to be afraid I'll never get my hands on either of them ever again. It's irrational. That's how I know it's a panic attack.
I signed up for the design class. It's my first class of the day! And then I have math! And then a break! And only then do I have my favourite instructor! This feels scary. Not to mention that I don't actually have any financial aid at the moment. All my classes are way far away from each other, too! Okay, the math to psych doesn't matter much, since I have my break then, but dude! They are really far apart.
Winter I'll be taking math, english 201 and. . . Dunno. Maybe another art class, if this one works out.
Spring. . . Biology and speech for sure. Maybe archaeology, too. Maybe art.
I'm obsessing, and that's never a good thing.
My emoticon favourites don't show up here. That's sad!
Ooh! I got my checks in the mail today! And I've got my license and social security card (I think I already mentioned those) and my new debit card! So friggin' exciting!
I am a swapping fiend. I'm getting back on track with the GC swap- except for reviews! I took a chance on Baobahn Sith and swapped for 4 decants, and... I really don't like it. It's so floral! I also swapped for a couple of imps of Baghdad recently, and I'm disappointed in that one too! The one I got was full of glorious almond, and one of these has a breath of that memory, and the other one smells like sandalwood. I know they must all be different ages, but I really wish I had the almond one. I think I need to find an almond scent to soothe my soul. Actually, I think I'm set on scents. I don't think I need to find any new ones.
I want to try my hand at beading this weekend. But I really need to clean out my car. I was neurotic about anything being left in it until recently. Having two men who regularly ride in it in addition to school stuff has made me careless. I do not want my car to be dirty inside. I need to get to knitting, as well.
Things are starting to come together with my switch witchery package. I think it'll be pretty neat, but I don't know what she'll think of it. I am eagerly anticipating the round where I get to spoil my switchee the way I've been spoiled these three rounds. Until then, I'll make do with what I've got.
I'm considering selling some of my bottles off so I can get in on the inquisition. My sweet husband has promised that I can do the next one, but the treat scents look so incredible. I know. I'm all Ms. Grabby-hands. Gotta have it! I just love how spoiled BPAL makes me feel.
I had no idea that the recipe Lost For Words was lost! It smells fantastic. Anyone know what the notes are? I'm coming up blank.
I think I'm going to postpone writing my psych paper until tomorrow morning. I started it already, I just need to finish it up. Give it a quick polish and whatnot. I'm thinking he might be gone again. Class was cancelled today. Which I believe means there won't be a quiz tomorrow. This is good news! I've been awful about studying. And I need to go back to the gym.
Wow, this is a long entry. I just have a lot to say, I suppose.
I need to find all my imps and put them away before they get scattered and I lose important ones.
I'm swapping Manhattan away for Devil's Night, which rocks because I swapped for an imp of last year's version, and it smells amazing on me. Now I just have to wrangle a swap for Pumpkin Queen.
Eh. I don't need the inquisition this time. I'll live, and be durn happy with the wonderful things I do have.
I'm in a pretty good mood. That's kinda cool!
The watchdog group didn't work out. We paid stupid Trinsic. They're going to disconnect the number entirely in 24-48 hours, so I'll probably be without DSL until Verizon can get us hooked up. I dunno how long that'll take, so if you don't hear from me, don't worry, for I am not gone.
Ugh. I hate this.
In my excitement over not being pregnant, I forgot to share one of my main causes of anxiety, and that is my new nephew! My sister in law had her baby on the 16th and he is beautiful! Obviously they both came through it fine, which was worriesome at the time, and they got to leave the day afterwards, even though it had originally been projected that she'd have to stay at least three days. So, yes. There's much happiness over the new addition to the family.
I am thankful that I'm related to my father for one reason: His mother.
I love my grandmother. She passed away in October of 1998 in Vancouver, Washington while I was in Provo, Utah. I didn't cry when I got the news. I wish I could've spent a little more time with her, and it wasn't expected, but I was surprisingly at peace with it.
She was a sweet, willowy, classy lady. Her hair was always done. She loved cheerful colors, her grandchildren, and petunias. She was tiny and smelled like powder and cigarettes, and she always wore lipstick. I think I would look a lot like she did when she was young if I lost, like, more than half of my total body weight. She really was an amazing lady, and I really, really miss her.
I wish she could've been at my wedding. She would like my husband. He would adore her. Everyone did.
She never lost her wits, mobility, or sense of humor. I am glad I didn't have to go through watching her health decline, like so many other people have done and seem to be in the process of doing right now. A lot of people are talking about their grandparents on the forums right now, and that's what made me think of her.
She was one of a kind. I'm certainly not eager for death or anything, but I sure can't wait to see her again.
I have a math exam and a presentation in speech today, and I am freaked out. And really tired. Mostly freaked out.
I'm going to be so glad when today is over with. SO. GLAD.
Not as in "making knots", but as in "not knitting".
Dude, I don't know what I'm doing, but it sure as hell doesn't resemble what she's doing on the knittinghelp site. Also, I've watched her continental casting clip ten thousand times, and I can still only get it started once in twenty-five times. Is there any reason I can't start with a slip knot and a single cast, and then do the rest with her double-casting style thingy?
Also? None of my knitting looks like any of the things she's demonstrated at all. Mine is all wavy and you can sort of see a braided effect if you pull it out really tightly, but then it springs right back into the wavy seam thing. WTF? I'm doing something, and it is making rows and whatnot, but it's nothing like anything I've seen today. Or ever.
Here's the rundown of everything that's been going wrong in my life of late. I'll do a more positive one soon.
-I got violently ill during finals week last quarter.
-I was violently ill the first week of spring break.
-I was PMS'ing, too.
-Surprise visit from my beloved cousin left little time for rest during the second week of spring break.
-Ugliness and misfortune from friend in previous entry.
-School starts. Yoga-ow. Math-ow. Archaeology-YAY. English-....
-Things resolve with friend, who gets kicked out of his apartment due to not paying rent. (This is a long story.) Instead of doing homework, I help him get moved.
-S.O. gets sick.
-Mom may have whooping cough. If she does, I will have to be tested for it as well.
-If mom has whooping cough, she will go straight to the hospital. Scariness.
-I get sick. I miss 3 of the first 8 days of classes. Catching up in math is going to be a bitch.
-Friend gets moved in here.
-English instructor is extremely condescending to me. It makes me sad.
-At the urging of my S.O., I realize that I can't take archaeology. This is heartbreaking news.
-A favourite uncle who has been really sick for a while now goes into renal failure and is on his deathbed.
-Favourite uncle consequently dies.
-I miss the funeral because it is out of town, and I've already missed too much school.
-The death brings up a lot of past issues.
-I'm still sick but attending school. My voice is mostly gone and I feel like shit, but I'm probably not contagious.
-I tell my archaeology instructor in person that I'm dropping his class, and when he gets concerned, I damn near cry, because his class is the only one I enjoy. This causes more concern from him. Luckily (for me) he has a class and can't stay, but reassures me that I'm not giving up and I have to do what's best for me and all the nice things people say.
-I cry. (In my car)
-I cry some more. (At home)
-For whatever reason, math just isn't sticking with me. I suck. I fail the first quiz.
-My first english essay is late.
-I cry some more. (In my car and at home)
-I don't have wedding invitations yet. This is not good.
-.... to be continued.
I found my imp of Snake Oil yesterday and dabbed a bit on my hand. I remembered that I wasn't too fond of it, but couldn't remember why. I actually thought maybe it was just that my nose wasn't developed enough, or sensitive enough to the scents, but it just doesn't work on me. Why? Patchouli. It's all patchouli, all the time on my skin. And I don't mean that in a good way. It just doesn't work. I don't like it. I have a dear friend who loves patchouli, though, so I'm thinking I'll send it to her.
I found a whole tin of imps that I've been missing. Silk Road and Dragon's Millk are the ones I'm really excited to find. The rest I'm all kinda meh about.
Dude! I'm going to be in art! Just a little over a month to wait. Art, math and psych. Plus fitness! I just need to make sure I'm going to the fitness lab all quarter. I know I've said that for the past two quarters, but I mean it now. Really! I'm going to do it this time. Things will be different.
I'm learning to cook so that we don't have to eat out so often. I was annoyed at spending so much money on meats, and then realized that we spend the equivalent (and often more) on fast food that's so bad for us. So instead of doing my 'stop eating' thing that's 'worked' so well in the past (because he won't let me, mostly.), I'm working on healthy alternatives.
I bought onions today!
Did I brag about my boy's tomatos yet? He planted tomato plants, and they're finally red! They're small, but they taste amazing-- and I'm not a really big fan of tomatoes, generally speaking. Except lately.
I totally want these socks!
Feeling a little better. Not sleeping like I should be. Still looking for neat and relatively easy patterns to try. Working on the one thing, and now I'm a little worried about how it is going to turn out. Anyway.
I am going to work out next week. If I do not, please thwack me. It is for my own well-being. And, honestly, it'll be good to start early in the quarter instead of waiting to the very last moment.
I'm nervous about school starting, still, but also still excited. I got these super cute pants that are in a size I never want to purchase again, and a few shirts, with the gift cards from our wedding.
It was nice to get out today. I got a few things mailed out and the aforementioned clothes. I didn't get much knitting done, though. This is not good.
I love the song Ladylike, and I can't get it out of my head. I need it for my ride to school.
My witch gave me an awesome mixed cd; it's got David Hasslehoff on it, in German! Plus the black rum song, and Charlotte Church. I love it. And I don't know if my lips are just wierd, but the bonnie bell lip smacker's stuff has made them softer than most things I've tried recently-- which is a lot!
Jarvenpa read my husband's chart for me. It was really quite breathtaking. I like thinking that the stars and the planets are an intrinsic part of our lives.
Back to the subject of school: Re: Art: I'm really worried about it. I don't know if it's just self-doubt or if it's intuitive, but I have this really nagging feeling that I shouldn't be taking it. Then again, I have similar feelings about most of my classes. So, I dunno. I'll see how things unfold next week.
Annnyway. That's it.
I'm not pregnant!
I almost wrote a post here last night that I thought I was pregnant, because I was having huge anxiety over it, but then I freaked out about how saying it might help it to be real or whatever. Anyway, I'm not. Hooray!
I hurt my neck today somehow. It is not comfortable. I think I'm going to try and sleep now, though. Just wanted to share the good news!
Is Chinese musk the same as white musk? I've seen it used several times and wasn't sure. So these are white musks, golden musks, and musks of indeterminate color.
Dragon's Musk (with 5, one is bound to be white!)
Aeval (I didn't like this one the first time, but white musk warrants a re-try)
Black Pearl
Fae
Lampades (sensual musk could be white)
Lurid
Ode on Melancholy
Zephyr
Death on a Pale Horse
The Bow and Crown of Conquest
The Great Sword of War (Yeah, it's red musk, but it sounds so perfect.)
Bluebeard (I'm pretty sure I tried and disliked this one)
Imp (not white musk, but golden musk sounds so lovely!)
Kitsune-tsuki
Kuang Shi
Villain (citrus musk)
Grandmother of Ghosts
Pietho (warm musk probably isn't white, but it sounds pretty)
Queen Mab (Chinese musk)
Thanatopsis (pine, juniper and musk... yeah, those first two scare me. This is way low on my list.)
Cordelia (Chinese musk- this has all my favourite things in it.)
Juliet
Oberon (orchid too!)
Endymion (tried once already)
Psyche
Vicomte de Valmont
Berenice (if I can find some!)
Usher (as above)
Mantis (golden again, but sounds lovely)
Fallen (golden musk)
Aglaea (musk type isn't specified [except 'bright'], but sounds like it could be white)
Euterpe
Urania
Zorya
Bengal (skin musk)
I think that's all, for now!
This website shows what sort of inspired my husband's gift to me. I can't find them anywhere else, but I know I've seen them before. He made it himself, though, and it is perfect.
Trying to focus on other things... meh. I hate when life gets turned upside down, even when it's best in the long run... But this..? This is just dredging up awfulness from the past and present. It'll get better, but... man, it sucks right now. I'll go into more detail when I can. I'm paranoid at the moment.
I have some sort of a skin infection that's not going to kill me, but it is grossing me out. Plus, I have to take 4 pills a day to help clear it up. Because it's communicable, I'm going to have to bathe in bleach. Or just go swimming a lot, which is preferrable. On top of that, the air conditioner in my room froze over, so we've had it off to let it thaw out and it's freaking hot in here. It explains why the ac hasn't been putting out as much cool air as it probably should be.
And, uh, now it appears to be broken. Crap.
I have size 15 needles that I was going to knit a scarf with, but I think I'll go back to the size 9 set. I sort of want a pretty scarf that's really easy, but I haven't had luck finding any good patterns. Any thoughts would be welcomed gratefully.
I also want to do a small coinpurse, but I think I may just wing that one.
I think I need circular needles! They seem to be necessary for -everything- cute. Dude! I also need to pick up a tote bag for knitting stuff.
Anxiety is high but I'm doing reasonably well. I found the new address of the site I mentioned last night and I still recognize a lot of names.
I went and got my driver's license info updated yesterday. I realized that my signature looks awkward, even for being left handed and not so good with the neat handwriting in the first place. I need some serious practice.
It feels like a fake ID. (Especially since it's that paper stand-in you get before they send you the fancy plastic) Somebody called me Grace! I updated my social security card, too. Now I need to do billing records and bank account and library card and credit cards and school records... this is a really huge undertaking.
It will be my two year anniversary for having my driver's license on my birthday.
Tomorrow is my one-month wedding anniversary!
Awesome.
I don't know why, but my anxiety is all wonky right now. Like, really badly. And there's sort of not a whole lot of reason for it to be especially high.
On the upside, I'm hoping that the BPAL birthday package my mom ordered me will be arriving within a week or two. (I'm trying to be generous with the time!) I think I will positively love Manhattan! I already know I love Katharina. I'm really excited to find out what my chaos theory smells like, and I think she got me a CD. Xanthe, maybe? Or Gennivre? I know it wasn't the Organ Grinder, because I had some amount of panic about that, and then found a decant of it available. The cool thing about a CD bottle in my hands is that if I love one of my decants more than it, I'll probably be able to swap for whichever bottle I love more.
Is it silly that I get so freakin' excited about frimpage, too? There's usually 2 per bottle, so I could end up with De Sade, Severin, the Jersey Devil, Ladon, Cockaigne, Phobos, Tintagel, and Euphrosyne! Yeah, I know, the middle three probably won't happen, but they might! Really, I'd prefer Les Bijoux over the Jersey Devil.
It's amazing to me that prattling on about BPAL allows me to forget about anxiety. Heh.
How long does it take an inept knitter to knit a scarf? Or 15 scarves?
If I'm ever going to attend a four year school, I'm going to have to take a whole lot more math than just statistics. Do I try and get some of it done next year? Or do I try and keep the focus on the sciences I need for the radiology thing and not spread myself too thin?
I don't know. I'm back in obsessive mode regarding my classes. Obviously.
More:
Ooh! I just went through the new course catalog, and the genetics class I want to take has basic math and science prerequisites, which means I should be able to take it sometime in the next school year. But there's where I run into the problem I was chewing on up above- where do I fit it in?
They've also got several spanish classes that I'm now interested in looking at. (I was essentially forced into taking 3 years of it in high school because it was practical, so I never developed a love for the language, but I think I might be able to do that now.)
More:
How is it that I can obsess so much over future classes and yet be dreading tomorrow so much? There's no reason for it, either. I like all of them. In fact, this is probably my best quarter of instructors, and certainly one of my favourite classes, as far as people in it go. I'm going to fall apart when things start getting really difficult.
I grew up in the LDS church, also known as the mormons. I was baptised at age 12 because my mother and I were converts, and my dad wasn't active. I'm no longer active. I'm still feeling out my spiritual pathways. However, the LDS church is always going to be a part of who I am and, at least locally, they have a really great community of people. Most of the people helping with the wedding are members. I'm getting married in an LDS church building, by an LDS bishop. My mom is still an active member. My fiance decides that he wants to investigate the church to learn more about my background in it and to connect more with my mom, and also to attend with our roommate, who wouldn't go otherwise. This is all very nice, in theory. However, he hates organized religion. He's very liberal, politically speaking. He believes in God, but doesn't like all the dressings. When he met with the missionaries, it annoyed me, because I felt like he was there to waste their time. And he came back with snide remarks and his usual issues with the thought of organized religions- complaints about beliefs and accusations about oppression of women and just... all the same stuff. So I shrugged and told him not to do it. But he's persisted. So I tend to nod and sigh and remind him that he doesn't have to go there, and nobody's trying to force him into the beliefs. It just irritates me. He came home today ranting about how tithing is just rent for the church and they don't care about motivations and whatever. It's a freaking principle of the church. Don't act like you understand it, because you obviously don't. It isn't flexible. Organized religion has to have structure to it, otherwise it WOULDN'T BE ORGANIZED!!!
