I need to do something to get rid of my negative energy. I know part of it is depression, but part of it is my general attitude, and it sucks mightily.
Why is it that when I come to post something here, my mind goes blank? It's not like I don't have interesting thoughts in my head. I do! But once the page comes up, all I can see is that white canvas, and then I start thinking mundane thoughts, and it's all so irritating.
My wedding kimono FINALLY came today. It's... really crappy workmanship. I'm disappointed. Plus there are black smudges around the collar. Threads are loose from the fake obi, and the velcro is sewn all askew and through the wrong places... it's sort of freaking me out. Not that you can tell. Also, it doesn't fit me. That really sucks.
I wanted to get something else really nice for my swappee. I know for sure she has one of the things I have for her, so I went looking for other things. They all turned out to be things that I want for me, so that's a bad idea. I was all set to check out with some perfume oil samples from various and sundry other places, when I thought to myself: "Self, you ought to check your bank account." And I did. I'm so glad I did... but now what? I know, I'll get creative. But I wish I could do more.
So! I am going to be in Portland for a couple of days for Thanksgiving, and I know there are a few Portlanders out there- if anybody would like to meet up, drop me a PM. I also know it's a busy time and a lot of you might be out of town, so I'm not banking on it or anything- I just thought I would offer. Aaand... I should know what part of Portland, right? But I don't; not for sure. I think Milwaukee. I'll have my car there, and I'm pondering a trip to Powells- anyway, just let me know.
Okay! Here's the deal, folks. I have no idea. I got an auto-reply from the watchdog group saying that they'd be gone until after the 20th, so nobody has gotten in touch with us, which I find really strange... Hopefully they can do something about this, but I'm pretty sure my dsl won't work without an active phone line in the house, so I may be gone for a bit. If that is the case, please remember: Happy holidays, whatever you celebrate! I'm thinking of you and will be going through massive bpal.org withdrawls. I love you guys!
Not so much that I'm thinking about cotton candy as the level of substance to the thoughts...
I was thinking about my name. I just signed a PM "Gracie", even though I've been using "Grace" predominantly. I have also written out a few return labels using the full Gracelyn. It's inevitable that I'll use one more than the others, right? I never shortened my given name, despite it having a very popular nickname (which my mother hated), so I don't know how these things work. It's like having three seperate names! It's almost like playing "pretend" again.
It's JUST a TV show... but I'm so sad that Chris is gone, and I feel an odd sense of guilt for not voting enough.
This should NOT be effecting me to this degree. Dammit.
"For the duration of your mortal lives"
That bothers me more than "till death do you part."
I'll continue the full account, but I wanted to write about this now.
As I mentioned previously, I was raised primarily in the LDS church. One thing the church really hammers home is the importance of eternal families. Eternal families are formed through sacred covenants made in a temple wedding ceremony- the couple is sealed in the temple, as the phrase goes. (Not literally.) Anyone who marries outside the temple, provided they are given ample opportunity in this life to do so, will not be able to remain with their spouse beyond death. Despite my doubts about my devotion to christianity as a whole, this really scares me. I don't know that we will have a lot of time together on this earth, so what if it really is true? This must sound ridiculous or lofty or something, but... I just love him so much. I don't want to spend eternity knowing I could've been with him, but my choices made it so I can't.
With "til death do you part," it was easier to reassure myself that a mortal death doesn't kill the soul- thus, there is no death. "For the duration of your mortal lives" is pretty freaking straightforward. There's no room for interpretation there. It's like an expiration date has been stamped on our marriage, and the silly thing is that I don't even know if I believe that. I know I shouldn't. I know that no just God would sentence me to hell for not getting married in the temple- and, while the LDS religion doesn't teach that people who aren't married in the temple will go to hell (just a lower degree of heaven), eternity without him would be hell for me, no matter how nice the accomodations.
It makes me afraid of losing him. I shouldn't be obsessing over this; I know. I just can't help it.
Grades will be posted on tuesday, so I'll know for sure that I passed. My husband is being ever supportive, but I'm freaking out. Dude. I am almost positive that I only did 5 of 6 essay questions on my LotR final. (We get to choose 6 of 8 topics, and I'm thinking I split early without realizing it.) So if I did that, who's to say I didn't choke on my math final? Blarg.
Hope you're all doing well, lovelies.
Eee, school starts a week from tomorrow. AND THE SCHOOL STILL HASN'T POSTED THE BOOK LIST!!! What the hell is up with that?? Okay, off to snuggle with the boy.
I am about sick of money issues coming up. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because it's not like we're starving to death or anything, but it's awfully frustrating being the only one of the three of us with any sort of income. Car insurance and gas money tacked on to everything else is just sort of almost too much to deal with. And here's the thing with insurance: My mom had been taking care of it because she had the money and it was just cheaper for her to do it for a number of reasons. Well, when we went in to have it switched over to my name, they initially quoted a rate that was within our budget, but recanted when they noticed that we didn't get the multiple car discount that my mother has. The rate they quoted then was about double the original one. We went in a couple of days ago to finish up the paperwork and when I asked for the quote again to put in my records, we were given the lower rate- which I didn't notice until we got home. I like the lower rate, but I don't want this to bite us in the ass. Do we go in and bring it up to them? Just wait on it? Oh yeah, and here's something else fun: My windshield is cracked. Got trapped behind two big semi's riding side by side, with rocks piled into the back, completely unprotected, and several of them pelted the windshield. I didn't notice the crack until this week. We can apparently get it fixed for $70, which we don't have to spare, or we can file a claim and have the insurance rate increase. Does that seem right? I'm a bit naive about insurance, apparently, but I've been exceedingly distressed since my husband told me that any claim we make will bump up our rate.
If I had the energy, I'd shriek in frustration.
Quick post- more to come
51
Alice
Arkham
Bengal
Black Opal
Dorian
Jailbait
Katharina
The Lion
Mouse's Long and Sad Tale
Persephone
Queen of Sheba
Whitechapel
LE:
Asp Viper
Beaver Moon
Boomslang
Et Lux Fuit
Green Tree Viper
Hungry Ghost Moon
Lotus Moon
Pink Moon '05
Punkie Night
Snow-Flakes
Obsessing over trying: TKO, Leo '07, Victoria, Lysander, Schlafende Baigneuse and Crowley.
Bottles I particularly yearn for: 51, Mouse's Long and Sad Tale, Queen of Sheba, TKO, Bengal, Snowflakes
Imps I particularly yearn for: Croquet, TKO, Crowley, Tristran, Hermia.
LE's I'd almost rent out my soul for: Storyville, SN Lime, SN Pomegranate, Fee, Tears, Circe, Noir
LE's I'd almost always accept another bottle of: Et Lux Fuit, Snowflakes, Boomslang, Punkie Night
LE's I'd always accept another imp of: Storyville, Beaver Moon, Pink Moon '05, Chaste Moon and the bottle bunch, of course!
Catalog bottles I absolutely can't be without: Katharina, Whitechapel and Alice.
BPTP stuff I would sell my soul for: (other than a scent locket, obviously) Bitter Moon tee. Mum Moon tee, too.
Previously in my wishlist, I decided to take it out but to leave it available here. It'll be updated with some frequency as my mood dictates.
I'm also putting some of my wishlist on here that doesn't need to be up there anymore; namely Tarot and such.
Tarot
The World
Temperance
*The Hanged Man
Justice
Strength
*The Hierophant
*The Sun
The High Priestess
The Chariot
The Chakras
Vishuddha
Manipura
Sahasrara
TAL
Charisma
Glamour
*Anthelion
*Bastet's Laughter
*Block Buster
*Euphony
*Hand of Hermes
*Hymn to Pan
*Radiance of Ra
**Road Opener
Brass Balls
Foundation of Fortune
King Solomon's
Millk and Honey
*Perpetuum Bonum
White Light
Catalyst
Clarity
**Concentration
**Crucible of Courage
*Determination
**Healing
*Mnemosyne
Ouroboros
Wolf's Heart
I don't want any TAL that I could mistakenly cause negative effects. I'm not a magical practitioner, but I do have faith that focusing energy really does make a difference. (That's just my little disclaimer about TAL oils.)
Me= -6lbs
Birthday= ipod knockoff, WoW boardgame (...I don't know), book store gift certificate, a bptp scent locket (!), Singing Moon tee and possibly an Arkham tee... and a membership to a local gym. Henceforth it'll be about $75 a month for both of us, but it's an important investment. (I'm way more excited than I sound, seriously. This is a really spectacular birthday for me.) This year's scent: Morocco, completely by chance. It was just on my desk, and a lovely surprise- the notes shouldn't be pretty on me.
Switch Witchery= The universe hated me (or my switchee) this round. My witch is wonderful, as per usual. Really delightful tea and I ADORE the loose tea filter. It's awesomeness.
Life= Joined a weight loss support type group; TOPS. Personal weigh-ins weekly sans humiliation. You say if you've gained or lost and how much and people applaud or encourage as necessary. Then there's other stuff. It's a bunch of little old ladies with silver hair and good stories. Baby shower for a friend in about an hour.
Out.
I will be generous with the spoiler tags, for those who plan on seeing it. First, I'll do generalizations:
It is visually stunning. There's no denying that.
The cast is amazing. I need to watch more foreign films, because it cemented my belief that I just don't have an understanding of interpersonal relationships anywhere but where I've lived. In other words, not all the interactions translate into my sphere of understanding, if that makes any sense. It's like anger in anime always seems way, way overdramatic and over-done to me. . . which is a bit of a simplistic way of putting it, but that's all I can really say about it right now.
It isn't what I was expecting from the trailer I saw- but I read enough reviews to know it wasn't exactly what I was expecting anyway, but it still wasn't what I was expecting.
It seemed a little... scattered? Thematically, I mean. That could be my lack of understanding (as mentioned above) in part, but not wholly. And here is where I get into spoiler tags. Note: A lot of this is critical because I think a lot of the good has been advocated already, but I did really enjoy the experience.
Spoiler
I am probably in the minority here, and I realize that.
I was originally under the impression that it was a fantasy movie, sort of in the vein of Labyrinth, Willow or Legend. Then I was under the impression that it was a movie about blurring those lines between fantasy and reality. I'm left feeling like it wasn't a faerie tale, and it wasn't religious and it wasn't historical, and it sort of needed to define itself.
If it was a fable, it wasn't a good one, because the "moral of the story" kept changing- it could've been about faith, but the last test was to not have faith, so that's not it.
There were too many stories crammed into the movie, and they didn't feel cohesive to me. It sort of felt like they were all neglected; like they didn't have enough time to get to any of them completely.
I would've preferred more focus on the fantasy aspect, obviously. I would have been happy, though, if any one aspect had been central, rather than all of them seeming peripheral.
Also, looking at it from a historical standpoint- from what I understand, there were no good guys in that war, so I felt a little uncomfortable with how sympathetic the "outlaws" were made to be. (Isn't that essentially Stalin's camp?) I appreciate how unflinching and stark the film was about it, but it seemed like it was mis-represented a little bit, perhaps.
Finally, since I'm not in a place where I can coherently express myself, I have a teensy bone to pick.
That awesome, awesome scene for her second task? The guy with his eyes in his hands? That pissed me off. This chick crawls into the belly of a tree, with bugs crawling all over her, to look for some toad and feed some rocks to, just because the faun told her to. But when he makes it really clear that the one thing she can't do while she's in the second task is eat, she falters? It's not like she's starving. Her family is well taken care of on that front. And it's not like she's never read a faerie tale! She's obsessed with them! So she should freaking know better! But she still eats! That was so infuriating to me. At least there could have been some clever trap for her to walk into, but it was just straightforward. "Ho-hum. I think I'll pluck some dinner off this table where this freaky guy is sitting with his eyeballs on the plate... mmm." No. Not believable. That girl knows better. Anyway, I'm going to end this here. Heh.
I am still undecided. I want this quarter to be a really good one! I don't want to regret not taking precalc. Um. That's about it. Hope you're all doing well!
So, I'm about 5 pages in to Kushiel's Chosen, but I am tempted to re-read Kushiel's Dart, just because there was SO MUCH to follow that, even with the chart at the beginning, it was difficult to keep track of everyone. I'm going to spoiler tag the rest of this entry, because I hate having plots ruined, and I plan on divulging some plot points. Pretty major ones, in fact. However, before I do that, I want to say that I was enchanted by this world and it should not be categorized with romance novels. It is so much more!
On the subject of Kushiel's Chosen,
Ugh. It's been a long day, and I don't really know what else to say about this... I had a ton of stuff in my head about it after I finished, but I don't have the energy now.
So! I went to Portland for Thanksgiving and we just got home and there's already a bunch of stuff to write about, but I have to talk about meeting up with Snarky! We ended up getting together Wednesday evening, and we drove around trying to find someplace that was open and even Starbucks was closed! Well, Ms. Snarky found a little cake shop that was closed, but the owner said we could come in while she finished her receipts and she'd make us coffee. We were going to try to find somewhere else to go, but the owner sort of insisted that we stay, so we did, and we learned that she had this award-winning cake. The carrot cake was not particularly wonderful, so I think I should have gone with the special cake, but eh. Anyway! It was a great meeting and she's every bit as wonderful in person as you would imagine she is from here. I got to try a bunch of scents I haven't had a chance to test yet and it was just loads of fun. I was very tired, so if I nattered on a bit, I apologise. Okay... gotta go unwind a bit now. Hope everybody who's local had a great Thanksgiving!
I'm sure you'll all be relieved to know that there was no drama today, save me losing my schedule and finding it shortly thereafter. I'm kind of afraid. I sort of like all of my classes and feel comfortable- they're not necessarily going to be particularly "fun", but that's okay.
I tentatively like my instructors. I think I may keep this schedule. Yeah, that's all.
Woah. I am so not upset about the contest not being as successful as I might've imagined. It was late, and I was tired and cranky and felt sort of silly and awkward having devised this intricate event with the two entertaining guesses and the two entertaining non-guesses. (I really did love all the responses.) I realize it isn't All About Me- non-cc paypal only is a limitation, and everybody's saving up for the update, and I'm sure some people feel like it's too much of a gamble and I'm equally sure there are many people who are simply not interested. But, hey, if you guess now, you're pretty much guaranteed a pack. Unless five people pop up and want to play. Heh. Anyway, I'm more relaxed about it. Really.
So here are things I've recently figured out about myself:
I don't trust people. Moreso than I originally believed.
I have issues with my father, but I think those issues are easier for me to resolve, because I've written him off. What's going to be hardest for me is that most of my issues stem from my mother, and I can't bear to think about that. I love my mother, and I know she loves me and did the best she could, but... there's a lot of anger and I don't know how to deal with that.
I am a freak who cannot find closure in any way over some STUPID boy I met online AGES ago. This is disturbing. I just want to heal, but he hurt me on such a base level that I sort of sealed it off and now I can't get to it. I don't want him; I don't want to be with him, and if he ever showed back up in my life, I'd probably tell him to trust his instincts and get the hell away from me. But first I would tell him all the things that hurt me. Maybe I just want some acknowledgement of what he did. And there's a part of me that hopes he never realized how much it hurt me, because I don't want him to be capable of doing that to anyone.
I need to take care of myself.
Why is this called unsent? Because I'm going to start writing physical letters to people I can't let go of, and pretend that they've been read and heard, and hopefully that will help.
I'm doing a weekly weigh in, and I'm going to record stuff about it in here.
Loss Today: 4.0lbs
Loss in August: 7.8
Cumulative Loss: 11.8lbs
Long term overall goal: 99.6lbs
Short term overall goal: 35lbs
Updated Long and Short Term goals to address weight lost: 87.8/23.2
After much angst and self-doubt, I dropped precalculus... and I know I could've done it. Maybe that's all I needed, though.
I still feel disappointed in myself.
The former housemate who owes us massive amounts of money just told us that he bought himself a nintendo DS. The hell? That's not the only thing he's bought himself, either. And I know he has a right to do nice things for himself, but it pisses me off that he's letting repaying us slide. Or maybe he's not. Maybe it just seems like it's been a while since he sent anything. He was also a dumbass in a self-destructive mode and went to see this crazy bitch that he swears he's over, but then he's still in love with her, and whatever whatever whatever. Boo-frickin-hoo. I sound insensitive, but it's just ridiculous. He knows better. He needs to focus on himself if he's going to get well anytime soon, and doing shit like that -really- doesn't help. I just keep HOPING that he will get it together, and when he gets self destructive, I get pissed.
Anyway. School. I needed one of my books to arrive in the mail today, and it didn't, and I'm sort of freaked out now. I am in love with linguistics and have found myself fully engrossed in the textbook at times. BUT. It doesn't count as a humanities credit?? Uh, the hell? It's just an elective credit, which I certainly don't need. It is listed as a humanities credit in the catalog, and if I'm not mistaken, they're sort of required to honor that, so I'm going to have a visit with an advisor and mention that. Why would linguistics not count for humanities? That's just insane. Then again, my college also wouldn't count Lord of the Rings as a lit credit. But, whatever. Because I'm so not getting rid of this course. They'd have to pry it from my cold, dead hands. Or something like that. We've spent the first week of Biology covering the chemistry used in biology. I like her well enough. She's married to my favourite instructor, and it's interesting to see her style as well. My lab instructor, though... heh. Is he even old enough to cross the street by himself? Somebody in the class was like, "Should we call you Mr. So-and-so?" I about choked. There's no way I could address that kid that way- to my great relief, he begged us not to. He's nice, but he seriously doesn't look old enough to be out of high school. (I may be exaggerating. I told my husband he was 12, so I am getting a little better.) Anyway, so I think I'll like finally having a lab, but it is on friday, which means I'm driving out there 5 days a week... much, much more gasoline.
Huh. This is a pretty long entry. I'm just really restless. And... I am a bit forlorn with a turn in Kushiel's Dart about 250 pages from the end. For some reason, I just didn't see that coming. I know at some point I said that her writing was a bit pretentious, but I think it's because I had been reading things like Dresden Files and Women of the Otherworld and Weather Wardens. It's just a different genre and a different style of writing. I'm actually quite enthralled by her, and I had to get the second book, as well as the first book of her new series. (I finally nabbed a bunch of used books and made a run to the bookstore. I love that- we came out with 10 books and it worked out to less than one dollar each.)
Okay. I'm going to end this now. I'm so freaking thirsty. Merfolk should not be thirsty.
I had a good day today. It pisses me off how quickly I can lose that feeling. And my poor husband. He was like, "You can't... but... I miss you being happy." It doesn't make any sense when I write it out like this, but there it is.
I have homework for the lab that I haven't done. Gah. And!!!!! The stupid bookstore was STILL out of the lab manual when I went in today!!!!! S'okay, I bought myself some goggles. The ones for general use just squick me out. They don't clean them or anything. Ewwww.
When I am feeling better, I will tell you about the cell diagram project for my bio class and the interpretive dance.
I have a linguistics exam on tuesday, and I am excited about it. My instructor had never heard the word lagniappe. Did you know that even though the spelling is french, the origin is much more interesting? Originally it was yapa, coined by the Aztec tribe, the Quetchua. Then the people living there when it was still part of mexico adopted it, assigning it an article: la napa (only the n has a tilde on top, sorry for the lack of proper lettering), so it was pronounced lanyapa. The French people who settled that area then latched onto it and gave it a french spelling.
And don't get me started about the Basque.
I'm going to follow through with the radiology technician program, but when I have the money, I'm going to go back to school and get a degree in linguistics.
Tiiiiired. Some of you may know why. I'll explain more later.
Anyway. So, I stumbled to my computer this am, and was like, "OMG, somebody hacked my account and added this garish skin and how do I get my f@#%$ing Alice back and I will DIE IF I DO NOT REMEMBER HOW TO CHANGE THE BLOODY SKIN!!" Uh. Right. So, happy April Fool's Day- I've definitely been fooled.
School starts tomorrow, and as of today, I'm keeping precalculus. You all know how that can change in an instant, though! I've got linguistics, then a break for an hour, then cell biology and then precalc. I'm actually quite looking forward to it, to be honest. (Too tired to panic. Y'all know I must be all kinds of tired. Hee.)
I tried a few imps really quickly before I put them up for swap.
De Sade: Unsurprisingly, it's leather. I'd test it on my husband if I thought he'd like it, because it might smell fantastic on him, but he's not into wearing scents. At least not where he can smell them. I tried a smidge of Manhattan on his collarbone, and he hated being able to smell it. Should I try his hands, maybe? Anyway, right. De Sade. Leather. That's about it. I don't like it on me, but I think I'd love it in other blends. I just don't like it by itself and can't see myself ever wanting to wear this blend. For me, it's a 3 of 10. It's that high because I'd love to smell it on my husband, and I think it's a novelty that I really enjoy.
Queen Gertrude: First struck me as really... I dunno. Overwhelmingly floral and perfumey. Once on my skin, however, it takes a turn for the lovely. I'm thinking Illyria might be my category even more than Wanderlust. It softens into this sweet, warm floral that is comforting and light. Very beautiful. I like it more than Shadow Witch Orchid. Odd note: Gennivre smells almost just like this on my skin, except really oddly bitter. Huh. It ranks an 8, but Gennivre ranks a swap, I think.
A dab of French Love: Bright and friendly smelling. It's just got an undertone that I don't like- there's something turning bitter on my skin, like a bad combination of herbs/greens on me. Not my thing. May be worth trying again at a later date, though. 5.
Saint-Germain: The amber REALLY blooms in this one. I'm pondering keeping it, but I'm not sure I like the beginning enough to want to wear it often. Still, the amber is just stunning. I may test this one again.
Pain: I love the mintiness of this. It's actually very pretty, but doesn't strike my fancy at the moment. I don't hate it. 6.
