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BPAL Madness!
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About this blog

Tumbleweeds abound

Entries in this blog

 

What am I wearing?

This is to get a better feel for what I wear on a regular basis. So, beginning with yesterday:   4/16: Snow-Flakes 4/17: Pink Moon 2007 4/18: Boomslang, but it smells terrible. I'm going to wash it off and wear something lighter. 4/19: Whitechapel

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The Colbert Report

Steven Colbert just said "cock-blocked." Is there a clean reference that I'm missing; one that has to do with roosters or something? Because otherwise? Woah. Not bleeped or anything.  

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Cotton Candy thoughts

Not so much that I'm thinking about cotton candy as the level of substance to the thoughts...   I was thinking about my name. I just signed a PM "Gracie", even though I've been using "Grace" predominantly. I have also written out a few return labels using the full Gracelyn. It's inevitable that I'll use one more than the others, right? I never shortened my given name, despite it having a very popular nickname (which my mother hated), so I don't know how these things work. It's like having three seperate names! It's almost like playing "pretend" again.

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Night before...

I'm getting MARRIED tomorrow! And it's already tomorrow in some places! I can't believe how excited and calm I am, all at the same time. My piano player did show up at the rehersal, so we talked about what songs I wanted and what parts. I'm walking to Nightfall and Leaves on the Seine by David Lanz. I love him.   I'm starting to feel self-conscious about my dress not being white or traditional. Woah. Serious anxiety. That's so weird. ...   Ugh. I'm so stressed out now! What happened to being calm? I'm going to be walking in front of who knows how many people in a blue nonwedding dress! Why didn't I get a normal dress, like normal people do?

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Trouble

I don't know if this is just me, but sometimes I have trouble dealing with kindness when I'm going through a rough time. I don't know how to explain it, other than it makes me break down, because it's overwhelming, or something... does that make sense? At any rate, there's a whole heck of a lot of kindness here and as much as I appreciate it, I think I need to sign off for the evening. Love to everyone.     I can't stop crying. I'm not even sure I know why anymore.

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An interlude

"For the duration of your mortal lives"   That bothers me more than "till death do you part."   I'll continue the full account, but I wanted to write about this now.   As I mentioned previously, I was raised primarily in the LDS church. One thing the church really hammers home is the importance of eternal families. Eternal families are formed through sacred covenants made in a temple wedding ceremony- the couple is sealed in the temple, as the phrase goes. (Not literally.) Anyone who marries outside the temple, provided they are given ample opportunity in this life to do so, will not be able to remain with their spouse beyond death. Despite my doubts about my devotion to christianity as a whole, this really scares me. I don't know that we will have a lot of time together on this earth, so what if it really is true? This must sound ridiculous or lofty or something, but... I just love him so much. I don't want to spend eternity knowing I could've been with him, but my choices made it so I can't.   With "til death do you part," it was easier to reassure myself that a mortal death doesn't kill the soul- thus, there is no death. "For the duration of your mortal lives" is pretty freaking straightforward. There's no room for interpretation there. It's like an expiration date has been stamped on our marriage, and the silly thing is that I don't even know if I believe that. I know I shouldn't. I know that no just God would sentence me to hell for not getting married in the temple- and, while the LDS religion doesn't teach that people who aren't married in the temple will go to hell (just a lower degree of heaven), eternity without him would be hell for me, no matter how nice the accomodations.   It makes me afraid of losing him. I shouldn't be obsessing over this; I know. I just can't help it.

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A Rant About Money

I am about sick of money issues coming up. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because it's not like we're starving to death or anything, but it's awfully frustrating being the only one of the three of us with any sort of income. Car insurance and gas money tacked on to everything else is just sort of almost too much to deal with. And here's the thing with insurance: My mom had been taking care of it because she had the money and it was just cheaper for her to do it for a number of reasons. Well, when we went in to have it switched over to my name, they initially quoted a rate that was within our budget, but recanted when they noticed that we didn't get the multiple car discount that my mother has. The rate they quoted then was about double the original one. We went in a couple of days ago to finish up the paperwork and when I asked for the quote again to put in my records, we were given the lower rate- which I didn't notice until we got home. I like the lower rate, but I don't want this to bite us in the ass. Do we go in and bring it up to them? Just wait on it? Oh yeah, and here's something else fun: My windshield is cracked. Got trapped behind two big semi's riding side by side, with rocks piled into the back, completely unprotected, and several of them pelted the windshield. I didn't notice the crack until this week. We can apparently get it fixed for $70, which we don't have to spare, or we can file a claim and have the insurance rate increase. Does that seem right? I'm a bit naive about insurance, apparently, but I've been exceedingly distressed since my husband told me that any claim we make will bump up our rate.   If I had the energy, I'd shriek in frustration.

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Filters

I wish we had filters here. I had a post all written out about something really personal- probably TMI. I just don't feel like sharing it with anybody who happens to stumble across this blog. I'm not even sure I feel comfortable divulging it to you guys. Ze regulars. But. . . I don't know. I don't want to deal with livejournal, but I'd love a friends only filter right now.

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Kindly Moon

If I could buy bottles and bottles of Kindly Moon, I would. (I'd really love the bottle, but I don't know that the notes will agree with my chemistry.) I'd buy them, and then I'd give them to all of you. You've all been so very kind to me, and I have been so desperately needy, and it has helped me more than you can know.   Looking over the notes, I may have to wrangle a decant or two, because it does sound extremely lovely- if a tad floral. I bet it's really light and gorgeous, though. I'll probably see about swapping for a decant eventually, just to be sure.   I really want to get a bottle of Arkham and the series' teeshirt. Arkham just strikes me as exquisitely perfect for late summer/early autumn. The shirt is just kickass.   I was supposed to see my meds nurse tomorrow (wednesday), but got pushed back to friday. This is very sad. I really have a lot to discuss with her.   Okay, back to BPAL. I think I may swap for a few GC scents. I have a couple of bottles that I don't love.   So, a bit of a digression: My housemate came back and was talking to my husband and I about how horrible the premiere of House was. My husband likened it to someone taking something lovely and perfect from the Louvre, finger-painting over the top of it, and then tossing it into the bargain bin at Wal-Mart. My housemate tossed in that it was more like they f@cked it with a large, purple dick. So I was all, "So, that reminds me..." and they both start cracking up like nothing else, and it took me a few seconds to connect what I'd just said with the context of the conversation... But, yeah. I think it was Sarada who was commenting on the whole ebay "Not from BPAL" issue and said something to the effect of: "The next time I put something up for auction on ebay, I'm going to title it "Not a giant green metal dildo" so that people who are looking for one have to look at my shit, too." I need to find that and put it in my signature quote.   That has to do with BPAL, albeit indirectly.   I can now knit, purl and stitch a mean stockinette! Woohoo! Patterns make no sense at all to me, though. I also have no idea how to handle increases or decreases or binding off or what to do with the tail end of the yarn that's just kinda dangling there. Is there something I'm supposed to be doing special with the end stitches to make them more tidy or something? I'm planning on knitting a scarf and a few other things, but I think I need to learn more first. Heh.   So, yeah. Doing better. You guys are really important to me, y'know? I missed you over the long weekend.

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My last entry

Woah. I am so not upset about the contest not being as successful as I might've imagined. It was late, and I was tired and cranky and felt sort of silly and awkward having devised this intricate event with the two entertaining guesses and the two entertaining non-guesses. (I really did love all the responses.) I realize it isn't All About Me- non-cc paypal only is a limitation, and everybody's saving up for the update, and I'm sure some people feel like it's too much of a gamble and I'm equally sure there are many people who are simply not interested. But, hey, if you guess now, you're pretty much guaranteed a pack. Unless five people pop up and want to play. Heh. Anyway, I'm more relaxed about it. Really.

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Working

I want to get a job to support my BPAL habit. . . and that's probably the worst reason for wanting to get a job.   I know I've mentioned anxiety in the past, but it's really, really bad. Paired with depression, it caused me to have several years that are mostly a blur of misery to me. I sort of crawled into myself and gave up. It's a whole big long sad story that I'm not up to rehashing at the moment, but it resulted in me applying and receiving disability from social security. I really just didn't have it in me to hold down a job. At that point, I was lucky to care enough to brush my teeth. I haven't worked in seven years. Getting a job would be spreading myself too thin, combined with school. I know most people can do both, but I'm just not that strong. It's frustrating, but I'm getting my feet under me.   I'm sorely tempted to look for a job right now. Sorely. And I know I'm not ready. But I'm tired of having to budget every penny and I'm tired of feeling guilty for buying perfume, and I'm generally grouchy right now.   I'm excited that I'm getting Katharina, though! (My husband's still unhappy about it, which makes me tense.)   I am tired, tired, tired. And I'm in need of brushing of teeth and snuggling with the boy.   'Night, chickies.

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Calmer now

As has become expected, I am doing much better today than I was yesterday. I am SUCH a freak the first day of a new quarter, seriously.   Speech is going to be challenging, but I think it'll be good for me, and I already like the instructor. I got into the 8:00 math class and dropped the one that traumatized me, so even though I'll have to get up at 6am, I'll be totally done with school by 11:30, and that is really nice. I have missed that. I'm half tempted to do a 7:00 class next spring so I'll get out at around 10. But... eh. I'm not that much of a morning person, and dragging myself to yoga at that time was seriously difficult, and that was only two days a week.   I like my Lord of the Rings instructor, too. I have a feeling that is going to be a good class for me; I just need to get reading. For now, though, I need to do some math!   to everyone! Thanks for all the support!

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More death, less angst

I am thankful that I'm related to my father for one reason: His mother.   I love my grandmother. She passed away in October of 1998 in Vancouver, Washington while I was in Provo, Utah. I didn't cry when I got the news. I wish I could've spent a little more time with her, and it wasn't expected, but I was surprisingly at peace with it.   She was a sweet, willowy, classy lady. Her hair was always done. She loved cheerful colors, her grandchildren, and petunias. She was tiny and smelled like powder and cigarettes, and she always wore lipstick. I think I would look a lot like she did when she was young if I lost, like, more than half of my total body weight. She really was an amazing lady, and I really, really miss her.   I wish she could've been at my wedding. She would like my husband. He would adore her. Everyone did.   She never lost her wits, mobility, or sense of humor. I am glad I didn't have to go through watching her health decline, like so many other people have done and seem to be in the process of doing right now. A lot of people are talking about their grandparents on the forums right now, and that's what made me think of her.   She was one of a kind. I'm certainly not eager for death or anything, but I sure can't wait to see her again.

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School

I HAVE to apply for financial aid for the '06-'07 school year very soon! Turns out I'm going to be taking a series of two math classes instead of this one I'm failing so miserably right now. It sucks, and I don't want to fail again. It makes my GPA cry. And by fail, I do mean fail. I'm trying to see the positive side, which is that I'll get to take more classes that I really want to try, to prepare for the career path I'm interested in before the pressure really sets in. Since when did 2 year colleges become 4 year schools?   I'm really, really tired.

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Ch-ch-ch-changes

My mother decided to leave my father when I was 14 years old, an idea that I supported. Unfortunately, the method was all wrong. Instead of going through an attorney, she packed up the car and we rode off into the sunset. It was a whole big ordeal.   I was never one of those kids who was afraid of her parents getting a divorce. I occasionally prayed for it, even as early as 8 or 9 years old. I don't know- possibly before then.   When we left town, it was several days before he noticed. Days. He called my sister (from his first marriage), who was in her late 20s at the time, I believe. He was frantic about who was going to take care of him. It's always all about him. Most two year olds are less self-centered, and that's not hyperbole.   We eventually came back.   My mother's health is declining. Living with him has gotten progressively worse. So... she's decided to leave him. Finally. My fiancee (husband in less than a month!) talked her into seeing a lawyer and doing this right. It's just dredging up a lot of shit for me. There's SO much more that I can't process yet. But yeah. If I'm all over the place, that's part of the reason.

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Maths

Sooo... now that I'm all registered for the maths next quarter- precalculus, to be exact- I'm starting to feel anxious about passing the final.   I've done fine in the class and I've had reasonably few problems grasping the concepts, but if I choke on the final... well, I can't get higher than a 1.7, even if I had a 4.0 going into it.   I know I'll pass. I know I'll pass. I need to pass.   Oh, and just in case you're lurking, Indi- I dropped History of the Modern Middle East, not linguistics. I need my fun class, and while I'd prefer archaeology, linguistics works out pretty well anyway.   Now I'm obsessing over how to work my schedule from here on out. I have 4 more quarters (counting Spring) before I can start the radiology program, though I have to be accepted first. Classes I have to take: A&P 1 and 2, Statistics. Possibly one other thing. Classes I want to take: Precalc 1 and 2, Calculus 1-4, English 201, Intro to Genetics, Archaeology, Physical Anthropology. A lot of classes to fit into three quarters, since I'm already registered for spring.   Fall: A&P 1, Precalc 2, English 201 or Genetics Winter: A&P 2, Calc 1, Statistics Spring: Calc 2, English 201, archaeology   ....yeah. I didn't really think that one through all the way. I just really want to learn this. Why didn't I tackle math sooner? And why is calculus a 4 course sequence?

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News!

In my excitement over not being pregnant, I forgot to share one of my main causes of anxiety, and that is my new nephew! My sister in law had her baby on the 16th and he is beautiful! Obviously they both came through it fine, which was worriesome at the time, and they got to leave the day afterwards, even though it had originally been projected that she'd have to stay at least three days. So, yes. There's much happiness over the new addition to the family.  

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Award letter

I got my award letter today. I'm getting about $400 less each quarter than I was last year. That kinda blows.   On the upside, it does cover tuition and books, so hooray school! Boo fafsa cuts.   I don't know what the notes in Montressor are, but I'm concerned that it shares something with MB: Closet, which is all cat urine, all the time, on my skin. I got a whiff of that note and I'm hoping I was mistaken.   I'm having this obsessive moment, where I feel so wound up about getting all the LE's that I want (all of them.) and worrying about my favourite catalog scents being discontinued. But, seriously? How incredible does Gennivre sound? And I'm still having fits over House of Mirrors.   I'm so sick of my acryllic nails, it's not even funny.   I made a kickass dinner tonight. Mashed potatoes and chicken and peas, but the chicken was lacking, somehow. It just didn't have any oomph to it. And I used wine in the marinade, too!   I just started playing the sims a couple of weeks ago and, dude, I've been missing out. Those little bastards are addictive!

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School

Art   If you heard a noise that sounded much like a sonic boom early monday, that was my anxiety skyrocketing.   Monday was baaaad. Tuesday was better. Wednesday, I suspect, will be even better.   I'm feeling good about my math class and the instructor and the pace. I love my psych instructor and I'm interested in the subject, so that one's a delight. Winter quarter, I'll do 3 classes. I need to conserve my energy for now.   Bed, now.  

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Anxiety

I am actually in a full-blown panic over never finding a bottle of House of Mirrors. Beaver Moon to a lesser degree. This is sort of scary. I think I need some rest. But it's really, really freaking me out. Seriously, though? House of Mirrors seems to have vanished from the swaps. (I know there are a couple there, but what if nobody ever wants to sell it again? )   And it's not like I have any real reason to be afraid I'll never get my hands on either of them ever again. It's irrational. That's how I know it's a panic attack.

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Internet

My internet was cut off friday- I should be back online tuesday. No worries everybody.

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Not to dwell...

I really am going to have to get rid of my cat.   I'm trying to keep my mind off the impending seperation by testing BPAL oils.   Tavern of Hell: Not me at all. It is unusual, but there's this odd musky scent that actually turns my stomach. Even on drydown, it's still there in the background. It's possible this might even out to something lovely, but there are other scents I love more from start to finish. I think it might be the ambergris that I dislike.   Tweedledee: This, in the imp, smells just like the imp of Kunstkammer I had that loved me. It's like a slightly melted orange popsicle with a splash of iced tea and the spice of the pepper gives this added depth. I really like this one.   Severin: I have tried this a couple of times. It smells light and fresh in the imp, but once it hits my skin, it is GONE. I can't smell it past 15 minutes. Strange.   Yeah. I don't know what to do with myself, because this isn't working.

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ANTM

ANTM: I haven't ever watched it during the season before, but I usually catch at least part of a marathon afterwards. (I'm going to try and break this up, since it was sort of a stream of thought and was in one huge clump.)   I don't think the remaining girls are all that pretty, especially the twins. I don't get all the fuss over their features, though admittedly, I'm no expert. Still, they seem pretty... average, I guess? I don't think they'd really stand out all that much, even. However, Michelle is the one I've been hoping would go home since the episode where Nicole left.   I like Melrose, and I like that all the other girls hate her. It just makes me laugh.   I have a really big issue with girls who can't deal with having their look changed- when they whine about having short hair, it is a complete annoyance and I hope they go home right away. I may be insensitive in that area, though. But seriously, just deal.   My favourite was Anchal- I think I spelled that wrong. Gah. Anyway. She was gorgeous! They really played up how much everyone told her that she was fat and wouldn't make it with that body, though, but she annoyed me because she really did the job of sending herself home. If she had carried herself just a bit differently, with more confidence, I don't think she would've taken any shit from the girls at least about her size. Anyone remember Dee? She's, like, half of Dee's size, and they weren't half that cruel about Dee's weight. I have come into this late, admittedly.   I actually think that Eugena has the prettiest face of the models that are left. Melrose is my pick to win, though. They usually have a clear leader, which makes it more about watching the girls interact than about the competition, but sometimes people do stupid things, so that's always interesting.   I like Carridee, but I don't think she's the winner. They're probably going to send her home next and leave the top three as Melrose, Eugena and Amanda. Hell, maybe Amanda will be their pick, but I kind of doubt it. Yeah, I doubt it a lot.   Oh, and with regards to Tyra? She is absofrickinlutely batshit insane. I just don't find her likeable at all.   Off to watch the Heroes marathon and put off doing my homework! Whee!   I'm done with fall quarter in one week! I'll be home from doing my last final a week from right now! Woohoo!

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Phone saga

The watchdog group didn't work out. We paid stupid Trinsic. They're going to disconnect the number entirely in 24-48 hours, so I'll probably be without DSL until Verizon can get us hooked up. I dunno how long that'll take, so if you don't hear from me, don't worry, for I am not gone.   Ugh. I hate this.

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Anxiety

Math. Why am I taking precalculus? I have this image of myself and I won't be "smart" if I can't do math, if I don't have a degree, if I'm not good enough. I don't want to drop it, but I don't want to be taking it for no reason at all. Or for no good reason. I mean, is it healthy to take it so I can prove to myself that I am capable of understanding higher math? I feel like I may've really screwed up. Even if I took the second half of precalc this summer, I still wouldn't get the full sequence of calculus unless a. I don't get into the program or b. I sneak in the last one in tandem with the radiology tech program. Neither of those seem like good options. OMG. Somebody tell me to calm the hell down.

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